Thursday, September 29, 2011

Please Do Not Read This If You Are Not A Blog Forward Reader

A community service announcement from Ben Pobjie, recent graduate of the GASP College of Public Relations-itude and Customer Service Trainingness.

I understand there have been certain complaints from readers of this blog whom have found the bloggingness of the blog to be not to their tasting. Having now had the privilege of learning the factibility of the situations which led to the circumstances of these complainants, I am now in a position to respond.

Firstly, this blog is especially designed to appeal to a very blog forward consumer. Always at the forefront of my mind when writing this blog is the need to not appeal to those whom are not in the position of being in front of themselves when it comes to consuming blogs and other things. This blog is read by A List celebrities such as Patti Newton, Tom Oliver and Mike Whitney to name only a few, and these are not the sort of personages who would read a "run of the mill" blog. In fact, when people read this blog and say they are "frightened" or "confused" or "nauseated", I give myself a big pat on the back as it means I am succeeding in my targets of making a blog full of attractivenessitude to people whom are the kind of people whom I wish to be attractive to. I know I am doing my job right and my modus operandi is being affirmed in a typically solidistic fashion.

Insofar as the aforesaid blog posts in a manner of specificity, blog posts are selected with the same approach in mind - I am a qualified blogger who has a sixth sense for words, and my only problem is that I am too good at what I do, and being a person whom am talented I cannot tolerate having my time wasted, which is the reason you may be provoked to refer to me as a "dickhead". This is your prerogatorivity.

Inasmuch as you say you are also capable of literacy, this does not mean we are of a sameness. Much of what I am writing here probably does not make sense to you or you are not in agreeance with the generalised thrustings of what I am conveying to your brain right now. You would probably never write a blog post like this, would you? This is because you are a person whom does not understand elite bloggery like I do and so it is of an inappropriate nature that you would say "we both know how to write" as it is almost as if we are in different industries: you in an industry whom is for stupidities and me in a forward-thinking industry for blog superstars.

So if you would like do me any favours or kindnessings, please do not waste my time because as you have seen I am not someone whom tolerates it from people whom are you. I am sure there are plenty of blogs that appease your taste which is stupid, so I retrospectfully request that you side-step this blog during future eyeball-directioning computer operativity engagements.

Thank you for your inquisitions

Ben Pobjie, Blog Manager



Below: a picture of a person appreciating the sensual and evocative lifestyle that an exceedingly directional blog like this one can bring about.

46 comments:

Kitty said...

OH GOD I LOVE YOU YOU ARE HILARIOUS.

Adriana_G said...

Being the fashion forward blog reader that I am, I knew before I even got out of bed this morning that I would read this post of yours, even though you may not even have realised you would put fingers to the keyboard and create such an amazingly awesomeness piece of elitenessicity. Well done to you sir, for being the uber superstar you are.

Jo said...

MOAR POLYESTER

SHG said...

I rate this blog post five out of five Undead Gay Vikings, which as all forward users of the Internet are aware is the only true measurement of website lolarity.

Anonymous said...

You do make an effort and that is to be proud of. You put your name to it and that is something even more so to be proud of.

Blogging for all the good things it offers is soooo socially dysfunctional as a means of communication; it is not funny.

It turns into one large cuckoo's nest of misinterpretation, assumption, and confused cuckoos.

People that choose to communicate in such a medium can only expect to “Live by the sword, die by the sword” (oh the irony) – a lesson as old as the hills.

Keep up the great site and keep flying the flag of decency above the nest.

Sadhbh Warren said...

I shall print and wear this text as a paper hat on my exceedingly slim head, that people might see how blog-forward I am. Might just add a few dead flamingo feathers for colour.

Helen Razer said...

Fuck me, that's funny.

TimT said...

How true it all is. I look exactly like that person in the picture, only a bit more glamorous and frilly. Actually no I don't, but I certainly plan to later today.

BJ said...

My new favourite made-up wordings of the day: prerogatorivity.

Anonymous said...

Genius

Kerri Sackville said...

This post is awesimnity. I wish I'd written it but I am not blog forward enough. I will wrap myself in your magnificent wordoddity instead.

Huffle Mawson said...

Ben, you are my hero.

rod3000 said...

Bloody brilliant!

bigwords is... said...

Only being from second tier bloggerarti I am in aweness of your awesomenicity.

Anonymous said...

Why didn't you write it to someone WHOM was blog forward?

Brierley + Clover said...

Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Oh, I am wiping tears from my eyes. However, I don't know what was funnier - the blog or Sadhbh Warren's comment.
Thank you all, for sticking it to the glorified register bunnies at that ridiculous store.

Carolyn Cordon said...

Yeah, yeah... Tell me, where can I buy that dress?!

Thomas said...

Brilliantness personificated.

Anonymous said...

LOVE TimT's comment, too. Even funnier when taken with a large dose of his avatar. xx

Erin Marie said...

'Generalised thrustings' is no less funny on the second reading.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I just couldn't side-step it - it was too funny and so 'well written'!

Steve said...

God I wish I had written this....Inspiredly.

Mandy said...

Ben Pobjie, blogging superstar. Very funny response!

nicky said...

This is hysterical and by that, I mean fucking awesome. I am one whom can relate to blogging forwardness...as long as someone else has written it.
I am planning on window shopping by your blog again in the future. You will know me by the dead flamingos I'm wearing as a dress.

Anonymous said...

I AM FORWARD LOVING YOU.

Sparkly Tiara said...

Being one of much magnificence whom does forward awesome amazingballsness, I shall be sharing this post with all of my A list friends whom shall also love it.

Kirsten Glitta Gloves said...

Jesus wept I cannot stop laughing right now

doingmydarndest said...

Brilliant. Classy, avant-garde, and yet totally fair and judicious in putting us readers in our place. I really think though that you're underusing and undervaluing "whom", that most elegant and aristocratic of pronouns.

Hopscotch said...

This is pretty much THE BEST THING on the interwebs. More please.

Becadroit said...

So many funny people, where do you all come from? Again, not only have you made the fun, but have inspired it in others. Always bringing it is Mr Pobjie.

Anonymous said...

My brain hurts!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious and wonderful mangling of language.

MissPosy said...

Hysterical.

Anonymous said...

Where's the 'Like' button?!!

anonymouse said...

holy crapping dogfaces ! so amazingly funny

5oh19 said...

You are just, like, a dead pink flamingo!

Anonymous said...

Agreeance. My pet hate.

Anonymous said...

ROFL!

Anonymous said...

I am one whom nervously looked at your blog, but then whom realised I was in way indepthedly above by head. I really couldn't have any understandment of what you were talking about, it was all too blogfowardly for me so I had to leave and go somewhere else with whom I could blend in and not feel so evocatively about myself. Now I just feel stupidity...think I'll go and tar and flamingo feather myself.

Emma said...

GOLD! Love your work. x

CarlyMayCarnage said...

I laughed until my sides hurt, and then read it out aloud to my man and laughed again. Mmmmmm that's good satire.

Anonymous said...

ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm just a little bit in love with you!
Hilarious!!

CathieT said...

Ben!! You were on Gruen with this post!!

AnnM said...

Anne of Green Gables, Zizek tweets, Gasp. Awesome, awesome, awesome!