Thursday, July 31, 2008

Never Can Say Goodbye

What does Ben think of Peter Costello, I hear you ask,

Thank the good Lord you don't have to wonder any longer!

New Matilda now!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008


Former Victorian premier and current Hawthorn Football Club president Jeff Kennett succumbs to his constant fear that his face will seize up if he keeps his mouth shut, and backs a football club that sacked a trainer for being gay.

Jeff is worried that if you let a gay man massage other men it "ran an unnecessary risk".

"It's the same if you have a pedophile there as a masseur, right?" said Mr Kennett, showing that endearing sensitivity that made him such a beloved political figure.

Indeed it is, Jeff - in fact, the previous 22 years the chap spent working for the football club were probably just a clever, slow-burning ruse, waiting for the perfect moment to out himself, upon which he would seize his opportunity and start raping everyone in sight.

So naturally, the football club did the right thing. Somebody has to take a stand before these gays start thinking of themselves as people.

In News Limited papers, Robbo and Ando discussed the issue with equal sophistication and intelligence. Apparently Ando and Robbo "both know where Jeff's coming from". Also, they admire Jeff, because "at least he speaks his mind".

So when you email Robbo and Ando to point out that they are oafish halfwits perpetrating a laughable mockery of the word "journalism", you will get a speedy reply commending you on how well you speak your mind. Since forthrightness is all that matters, after all.


Sunday, July 27, 2008

Enlightenment in Speedos

Today's front page of the Herald Sun: Grant Hackett says some Olympic athletes will take drugs.

Coming soon: Grant Hackett says swimming can be "hard on the arms".

Grant Hackett says the Olympics "will be in China this year, but not next time".

Grant Hackett says horses "can run faster than men".

Grant Hackett says Ian Thorpe is a little effeminate.

What next, from Gorgeous Grant's Amazing Repository Of The Hog-Buggeringly Obvious?

Whatever it is, rest assured the Herald Sun will be right on the spot to make sure it is given prominence over and above anything else happening in the world that day.

(Cross-posted in Polliegraph)

Thank You For Being A Friend - An Obituary

The world of showbusiness, indeed the world of people, lost a giant last week, when Estelle Getty, beloved star of The Golden Girls, passed away at the age of 84.

It's hard to put into words the influence that Estelle had on me and my career. I never met her, and yet I feel that she has, in a way, been with me for many years. I think she was a kind woman, a gentle woman, with an eternal twinkle in her eye and always ready and willing to offer advice and comfort in times of trouble. "E-Get", as her friends may have liked to call her, was the grandmother we all wished we had, instead of the demented alcoholic we were actually burdened with.

Estelle Getty first came to prominence, of course, in the pivotal role of "middle-aged woman" in Tootsie, stealing every scene she was in (one). But this was merely a tasty prelude to her searing portrayal of Claire Prince Timkin in 1987's hit romantic comedy/social satire Mannequin, where, in the words of Leonard Maltin, she "blew Kim Cattrall off the screen" with a performance that was by turns tender, uproarious and erotic, the sizzling sexual electricity between Estelle and Steve Vinovich as BJ Wert making the movie a true tour de force (Vinovich, like Estelle, would make his mark in situation comedy, reducing millions to tears with his role as Sandy Duncan's ex-husband in Valerie's Family.

No doubt it was the versatility and indefinable animal magnetism she showed in Mannequin that had won her the role of Sophia Petrillo in The Golden Girls, a role which began by defining Estelle, and ended up defining America in the 1980s.

Sophia was a representation of the American Dream; an elderly, incontinent immigrant with ties to organised crime, she straddled the divide between the old world, represented by the Golden Girls, and the new, represented by Dorothy's ne'er-do-well musician son Michael. With exquisite comic timing coupled with a flair for pathos, Estelle breathed vivid life into the tiny, sarcastic, dirty-minded Sicilian grandmother, and we laughed, cried and cheered along with her as she exposed the harsh realities of living in the same house as a slut, a moron and a gigantic, sexually unappealing daughter. We could relate.

For me, The Golden Girls opened up a whole new world that I hadn't imagined existed. Having spent my childhood thinking comedy began and ended with Allo Allo and It Ain't Half Hot Mum, I hadn't realised that comedy could be different - it could be intelligent and daring and avant-garde. You could make jokes about oestrogen and trading your eldest daughter for a donkey, you could racially abuse Scandinavians and have sex with Jack Gilford, and if you gave it enough chutzpah, you could pull it off. I've never forgotten these lessons - they permeate all of my work in one way or another.

And that's why I'm still a little bit teary that Estelle has left us. But though she's gone, she's living on within us all, and we will remember her as she was: wise...








and psychotic...


All things to all men, Estelle, we will never forget you.

There is an extra serve of cheesecake in Heaven tonight.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Monday, July 21, 2008

What a life you lead

Cross-posted on Polliegraph.

Ron Delezio has been officially overwhelmed.

As he says, "This is the best thing that's ever happened apart from Sophie's survival from her accidents - just unreal."

Mind you, when the best thing that's ever happened to you is your daughter not quite dying, perhaps the bar has been set slightly low.

The Pope meanwhile, as God's vessel upon Earth, has said the Lord will take Sophie's request to please stop trying to kill her "into consideration", along with other submissions on the matter from bodies including Satan and the Association of Elderly Motorists (AEM).

Sunday, July 20, 2008

All That He Toucheth...

Policeman dies after being blessed by Pope

Pope Benedict XVI has once more applied the Touch of Death to a devout follower, continuing his trail of carnage throughout the civilised world. Apparently God was not satisfied with giving the poor copper multiple cancers, he had to send his hired goon to finish the job.

OK, here's the most disturbing aspect, for me, of this story - the following paragraph:

"In a touching moment, the pontiff donned Snr Const Hill's police hat and reportedly kept it after mistaking it for a gift."

So the light-fingered old Papa doesn't just kill the guy - he steals his HAT? So he can go home and play cops and robbers at St Peter's?

And the paper refers to it as a "touching moment" - rather than what it actually was - a felony.

A more accurate way of describing the situation would be: "In a callous act of blatant larceny, the pontiff donned Snr Const Hill's police hat and reportedly kept it in an attempt to magnify his family's grief and pain by taking from them what would have been a precious memento of a loved one.

So yeah, next time you meet the Pope, keep one hand on your wallet.

In other news, the Pope yesterday became hungry and grabbed a quick snack:


Friday, July 18, 2008

The Irresistible Lure...

A commercial for the new "cycle" of America's Next Top Model, wherein an aspiring contestant reveals she is a mother:

Contestant: I'm a mommy, and it's really hard being apart, especially cos I'm breastfeeding...

Tyra: So you're Fed-exing the milk?

Contestant: Well right now, I'm drinking it.

You know, I do not think I can wait a moment longer before watching this show. Previous seasons have shown us bitching, emotional breakdowns, tantrums, bullying, vague hints of nudity, and stunning stupidity, but I think most would agree that self-suckling has been the missing ingredient holding it back from greatness.

What happened to you China? You used to be cool

Olympics crack down on fun.

"Beijing CBD businesses are reporting increasingly bizarre restrictions on couriers. This includes a ban on transporting CD-ROMs through the city, and mobile phones or GPS devices can only be sent if their batteries are delivered separately. This is on top of postal restrictions on sending liquids and powders."

That's not that bizarre. If they were serious about bizarre restrictions on couriers, they would require them all to ride penny farthings and carry everything in their mouths.

"Beijing police have been visiting bar owners in the popular Sanlitun area and asking them to sign pledges agreeing to not serve black people or Mongolians and ban activities including dancing."

That shouldn't cause too much of a stir, really - traditionally, black people play very little part in the Olympic Games.

It's a fairly bigoted article actually, in that the fears of a "no-fun" Olympics really only apply to those who don't find repression of ethnic minorities fun.

And how many of us can honestly say that?

Thursday, July 17, 2008


New piece by me at about the decline and fall of Big Brother.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Living Your Faith

Catholic Bishop to schoolgirl rape victims: why so cranky?


Bishop Anthony Fisher, seen here whistling merrily to his woodland friends, cannot believe people are trying to ruin his super happy Catholic joyfest by harping on about petty inconsequentialities like child rape.

One of the victims, Emma Foster, has already done the decent thing by the church by committing suicide at the age of 26, while her sister Katherine "drank heavily before being left disabled when hit by a drunk driver in 1999". If only, Bishop Fisher laments, more people would be as resourceful as those two in finding their own solutions to their problems, rather than spoil everyone else's day by complaining about everything.

I hear you, Bish. What is up with people? Waa, waa, rape this, child abuse that. If we all stopped our mindless Catholic-bashing for just a second, perhaps we could focus on the REAL issues, such as the Pope's love of marsupials.

Eye on the ball, people.

Friday, July 11, 2008

The Last Shall Be First

And so, this is a blog, in its own way. The first post of a new blog is always a bit awkward, isn't it? You find yourself thinking, "Should it be a simple greeting, should it just be an amusing picture of a cat, or should I hit them straightaway with the full force of my scathing critique of the World Trade Organisation?" In a way, I am attempting all three, although in another way, I'm attempting none of them.

The main point I wish for you to absorb is that this IS a blog, and I will be putting things on it which you can look at, and you can tell all your friends about it and secretly lust over me and so forth. If you're here reading this, it's probably because you already, to some extent, either like or dislike me, so hopefully I can sustain your interest.

So without further ado, let me present's FIRST-EVER LINK!

Which is this: in case you haven't yet read it, my latest scurrilous attack on decent people here.

And with that out of the way, please leave comments below on the theme of one of the following:

- Hi!

- I love you!

- Here is what I want from a blog

- I have lots of money would you like some?

Bye for now.