THE LUCAS THING
It was in a theatre, dank and dusky
That I found him, sitting, sighing
A cigarette dangling from his dry, sad lips
Chuckling in the dark, blinking away tears
His smile sad and lonely, like a gunfighter remembering the last man he killed
And I sat next to him and I tried to talk
But he was in no mood
He looked at me with tired eyes
And shook his head, and shook the desert dust from his boots, and stood
And he walked away, but before he did, he handed me a rolled-up scroll, and shook my hand, and said three words
"I. Shot. First."
And he was gone
And I unrolled that scroll
And in that dank and dusky theatre, by the flickering light of the projector
I read what was written there
And tears sprang to mine as they had sprung to his
And what time was passing...I had no idea
And the scroll read like this:
OPEN: LONG-SHOT, LARS FAMILY HOMESTEAD
We see the farm of Owen Lars, in the early morning. Aunt BERU (Scarlett Johannson) steps out into the sunlight and begins doing her aerobics practice, while all around her run the beautiful bright green desert-elk of Tatooine.
ENTER LUKE SKYWALKER, the four-armed super-hulk of Tatooine.
LUKE
Hey Aunt Beru, what's shakin'?
BERU
Darth Vader is coming! I read it in my crystal ball!
She holds up her crystal ball, which speaks in a funky Negro voice.
CRYSTAL BALL
Sho' 'nuff!
LUKE
Oh yeah? We'll see what me and my faithful companion Dogbert von Woofilus have to say about that!
ENTER DOGBERT, a large cowardly dalmatian with a rocketpack
DOGBERT
Ruh-roh!
I was bawling, hardly able to see
But I had to keep going
I had to know just how the atrocity would end
I turned to a later page
INT. DEATH STAR
ENTER DARTH VADER, dancing to "I Got You (I Feel Good)" as it blares from the Death Star stereo system. He approaches GRAND MOFF TARKIN, a distinguished elderly man with an enormous parrot on one shoulder.
TARKIN
So we captured the princess, Lord Vader?
VADER
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TARKIN
What?
VADER
Sorry, I mean, yes, we did.
TARKIN
Well we better get her to talk then.
VADER
Yes I will use the Force on her.
TARKIN
LOL! The Force! Epic fail! You can't use the Force, roflcopter!
VADER
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO why not?
TARKIN
Maybe I can explain it like this...
ENTER the MAX REBO BAND to accompany Tarkin's musical number.
TARKIN
When you're fighting against all those nasty rebels
MAX REBO BAND
(nasty rebels!
TARKIN
And you just can't decide the correct course
Take a tip from Grand Moff Tarkin
You may say I'm simply barkin'
But you must never ever ever use the Force!
MAX REBO BAND
(use the Force!)
TARKIN
If you're wondering just how to kill a Wookiee
That ugly beast as strong as a wild horse...
Gasping, sick at heart, I read on
Page after page, all the same
All horrors unimagined, nightmares springing from the paper
I wanted to hurl it away, to run outside, to scream, to have a chemical shower, to vomit on a passer-by
But I could not - I had to see this through to the bitter end
I turned the page
EXT. CAESAR'S PALACE, LAS VEGAS
VADER, JAR JAR BINKS and DANNY OCEAN lounge by the pool
JAR JAR BINKS
Yousa give meesa one millions dollarees for just-a one night with meesa Sith Lord?
VADER
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK maybe I didn't have to finish.
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