Commenting on comments

You may have noticed on my latest ABC article that there are quite a few comments. Do take the time to trawl through them - diamonds they are. Anyway, having (belatedly) become smart enough to avoid arguing with stupid people who hate me, I'm going to muse on some of the comments here.

For example, "shane" writes:

"Anybody who follows Jesus as Lord & savoir according to the bible are saints"

Kind of a low standard, isn't it?

"If you pray to dead people this is called necromancy"

You mean like...Jesus?

"fed up" writes:

"Well i dont find this funny at all"

Damn...I've failed with a key demographic here.

"how sarcastic.
mr. Rudd has been going to Marys Chapel for some time
WHY O WHY ARE THE ABC PICKING ON OUR P.M.
SO MUCH ARE YOU ALL SERIOUS

CAN YOU DO BETTER AT COPENHAGEN I SUGGEST YOU CATCH THE NEXT PLANE
mary has anwered many a prayer for me you may laugh but i hope you dont need to prayer her soon for something that comes in your life.
i am fed up of the abc taking the mickey out of every one that does good in this country in couding out p.m TALL POPPY SYNDROM ITS ABOUT TIME THIS COUNTRY GREW UP
of course you all write this rubbish but then do you move on to the next thing without reading what we saY.
I WOULD SUGGEST TO OTHERS AND MYSELF NOT TO BOTHER BECAUSE I DOUBT YOU READ WHAT WE SAY.
AND IF WE DID NOT MAKE COMMENTS THEN THERE WOULD BE NO DRUM SO FROM NOW ON I AM NOT COMMENTING"

Now that my career has been destroyed by the mass grassroots "no commenting" movement, I guess I have some free time. So yeah, I WILL get on the next plane. And I will give those pollies a talking to, "in couding out p.m."

Hopefully the plane doesn't run into trouble, or I might have to prayer Mary MacKillop for something that comes in my life.

And then there's "Dazza":

"First of all God does not make mistakes, it is our fallen world that has caused all of this."

I wonder, when I hear someone express this sentiment, if you put the person in a nice quiet room and just left them there, without interruptions, for an indefinite length of time...would they eventually figure out what's wrong with their picture?

"ElijahThomas" chips in:

"like all anti-religion arguments yours demonstrates a woefully inadequate (even theoretical) understanding of God.

look at your own language...

"A God who knows the future is powerless to change it."

what of an author who has planned the end of his book? are they powerless to change it?"

Powerful, powerful analogy, Elijah. Now if you'd just step into this nice quiet room...

"DocMercury" changes the subject:

"One of the cures for cancer is known to be preventive rather than responsive, such as making it a habit to ingest or inhale zero dosage in toxins, avoiding aldehyde in the liver and benzene in the air.

So we're told, now that gambling excise more than makes up for lost nicotine excise, and the ethanol consumption remains constant."

Good point, Doc. You've really, er, cut to the heart of the article...um, there...

Last word goes to "John":

"Abbott will make a fine prime minister and I will be first in the queue to vote for him. Thumbs up!"

And you can NOT argue with that!

A Brave New World?

For those of you who haven't seen it yet, this is the first of what will, it would seem, be a series of weekly articles for the ABC's new site, The Drum (or The Drum Unleashed, or...something). Go check it out! I deal with Copenhagen, Rudd, Obama, Abbott, Joyce, and of course Mother Mary MacKillop

This does NOT mean I am leaving newmatilda - I remain the resident satirist at NM, long may their hit-count multiply. In that spirit, also go check out my end-of-year column for newmatilda, in which I look back at 2009 and make some bold predictions for 2010.

Also, keep looking out on newmatilda for another piece by me, part of the site's summer series. Maybe you should subscribe (for free!) so you NEVER miss a piece I write? Just a thought.

Fill in the blanks: Oh My Sainted _unt

So anyway, Mary MacKillop is set to become a saint, AUSTRALIA'S FIRST!

Now, far be it from me to distract from the orgy of patriotic pride that will undoubtedly spew forth like a great burst abscess at the canonisation of the dear lady,; I enjoy the assigning of nationalistic value to arbitrary decisions of the religiously insane as much as the next man.

HOWEVER

Given that the qualification for MacKillop's sainthood is the performance of two miracles...

And given that these two miracles were performed by Sister Mary many, many years AFTER her death...

And given PM Rudd's enthusiastic support for the canonisation and the fact he is sure to pontificate on the significance of the event when it comes...

Will ANY journalist have the guts to ask the obvious question, which is:

"Prime Minister, do you actually believe that the ghosts of dead nuns heal the sick, and if your answer is yes, do you think you are of sound mind to be in charge of a sharp kitchen utensil, let alone a country?"

A Quick Quiz

My latest newmatilda article...and comments.

Now, having read said article and said comments, a quick quiz for readers to take, to win big!

1. In what sense can "motherlode" (however you spell it) be construed as a religious reference?

2. What is the average IQ required to grasp the difference between ridiculing someone who IS a Catholic, and ridiculing someone for BEING Catholic, with no other reason?

3. Is there any particular reason anyone's religion should be immune from ridicule?

Highest scores win a specially autographed essay on the links between anonymous abusive internet warriors and virulent anti-Semitism.

A Glossary

Here is a list of South Australian political puns that you can drop into conversation to make your next social event go with a zing:

Nick Xenuphon

Mike Ranndy

Sandra Skanck

Penny Wrong

Natasha's Hot - Despoil Her

Alexander Downer

Submit your own South Australian Political Puns and win BIG PRIZES!

Yes, WHY?

I have made my debut on The Punch, with my Twitter piece.

The commenters are already out in force, with the usual nice mix of applause and duhhhhh.

My favourite example, from "Colin Campbell"

"why did you spend seven hours on something you hate?"

Colin is SO onto me. Why DID I do that? It's a completely absurd thing to do! It's just stupid! It's like some ridiculous JOKE!

Hee.

Hitler: the lighter side

Most of us are aware that Hitler is a pretty common go-to guy for politicians, writers and public figures looking to score debating points against their enemies. You know how it goes: "What M X is proposing is disturbingly similar to the policies enacted in 1930s Germany"; "The honourable member brings to mind frightening echoes of the excesses of the Nazi Party"; "The government's policies carry more than a whiff of the Third Reich"; "You're a fucking Nazi, pal" and so forth. Many a reputation has been effectively smeared in this manner, not least that of Mr X.

However, all of these smears have, until now, had one notable thing in common: in all cases, the Nazi parallels were brought up to show the person, party or policy being compared in a bad light. That is, the rule has hitherto been, if you say that something is a lot like what Hitler would do, you are saying it is not a good thing.

NOT ANY MORE, BABY!

West Australian state MP Peter Abetz has changed the game for everyone with a breathtakingly original move: citing the Nazis as a positive example to demonstrate the soundness of his proposal.

That's right: Abetz, pushing the WA Liberal government's legislation that would grant police powers to search people in public without needing to show reasonable cause, chose to illustrate the good sense and practicality of the policy by pointing out how well it worked for Hitler.

"When it comes to the crunch, people prefer to be safe than to have freedom," said the good member, cannily putting his finger on just why the Liberals are known far and wide as "The Cuddly Party".

Bravo, The Hon. Mr Abetz. We thought we had seen every political trick, every cunning tactic, every sly manoeuvre, every cheap rhetorical trick, every piece of clever spin under the sun. We had, I confess, yet to consider the possibility that a politician who to all outward appearances is a fully-functioning adult human being might at some point try to put into play that rarest of political gambits, the old "A vote for me is a vote for a police force modelled on the SS" ploy. Kudos to you, sir!

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy books - a Spotter's Guide

How to recognise a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy book:

Here is one:





And here's another:





This is another one:





This one too:





And goodness gracious me, even this one:






But here is what a Hitchhiker' Guide to the Galaxy book does NOT look like:




So fuck YOU, Eoin Colfer, you smug Irish bastard.