Wednesday, January 26, 2011

From the Border Mail, 27/1/11

Have you been wondering why this country is in such trouble?

No need to wonder: Greg Wild is here to explain it to you!

Government is unconstitutional

IT is most important that Australians be brought up to date with the current status of the Australian Parliament and the republican movement.

The method of constitutional change being pursued at this time without the realisation of all Australians and without referendums is the alteration of the 1901 language of the constitution.

The land masses Victoria and NSW were changed in 1980 by an unlawful judgment of the High Court (Ward vs the Queen).

In this case those responsible for proper evidence left out the position of the original surveyed line and included a section 5 of an invalid part of an Act for Better Government 1855 which was not Crown approved and too late to effect the Separation Act of 1850.

The word "discrimination" is practised in Australia by the Australian government.

Indigenous people were Australian people or residents of a state in the constitution in 1901 and therefore equally treated.

The world "reasonable" appears in section 100 of the constitution but today applies to illegal agreements.

Today's prime minister isn't qualified to hold the office in the 1901 meaning because she refuses to take the proper oath inter alia.

She was sworn in by the solicitor general, not the governor general; did not win the last election and does not recognise the right of the people's parliament to defeat legislation.

There is no authority or responsibility to legislate something called climate change without a referendum to include it in the constitution.

Tony Abbott might have been prime minister but the majority of his party are republicans and therefore do not recognise referendums.

The Liberals are no longer a Westminster party.

GREG WILD, Corryong

So I'm glad we cleared that up.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

And Another Bloody Thing

Probably, had you been asked a week ago, "Who is Ben Pobjie's least-favourite person in the history of the universe?" you would have said, "Oh, easy, that would be Kate Middleton of Toowoomba, who is famous for not being engaged to a prince or having any interesting characteristics whatsoever, and whose presence in actual newspapers heralds the coming of the Beast."

You would have been right.

Not anymore.

For now, the not-ever-going-to-be-a-princess has been usurped, by Daniel Brew, the teenager who crashed a press conference to tell Australian captain Michael Clarke how to bat.

First of all, don't let teenagers crash press conferences. Keep teenagers OUT of press conferences. Michael Clarke gets harassed by morons everywhere he goes: wouldn't you think an official press conference would be the one place he would feel entitled to expect an absence of mouthy 17-year-old twits gibbering up-themselves wankery at him?

Secondly, Daniel Brew, put your manners back in. I realise you're just a kid with a dream: a dream to get your picture in the paper without having to do anything useful, productive or worthwhile, but you're dumb and you're obnoxious and you should shut up and show some respect to the captain of your national cricket team.

Especially given Brew plays in the fourth XI competition of the Geelong Cricket Association, which means that as a cricketer, he is not good enough to make the third-best team of a local club in a minor suburban competition. How's keeping your head over the ball working for you down in the fourths, Danny?

Let's tally up the scores so far:

Michael Clarke: 4742 Test runs at an average of 46.49 with 14 Test centuries; 5777 ODI runs at an average of 43.43 with 5 centuries;

Daniel Brew: One ugly haircut.

Statistics don't lie.

But look, it's only fair to see what the critique of the lad actually was, to see if it has any merit. Let's see...

"You should be playing the ball under your nose and at eye level"

OH MY GOD HE IS A GENIUS! It's hard to believe that Daniel Brew, at the tender age of seventeen, is capable of reading a "Cricket for Beginners" pamphlet.

"Playing the ball under your nose"? That's his advice? That's the insightful analysis that got this uppity little rind of twonk into the papers? Seriously? That's it? That's all he's got? A technique tip that you learn at your first training session in Under Sixes?

Wow, that'll blow Clarke's mind, won't it? I bet he never even THOUGHT of that!

And what's that? Oh you have more advice, Daniel? Do let us in on your wisdom.

"Hit the nets"?

WOW! How does he come UP with these? How can we neglect to laud the brilliance of this precocious young Mozart of cricket, with this revolutionary idea that will turn conventional sporting wisdom on its head: "When you are out of form, why not practise a bit?"

I can see Clarke slapping his forehead: "Of course! Practise batting! It seems so obvious now I think of it, yet it took the wisdom of a child to make me realise that it might be a good idea to PRACTISE the skill by which I earn my living and which the vast majority of my life is devoted to. D'oh!"

And look, the boy genius has kindly DEMONSTRATED for us his secret to success!

Isn't it amazing, the lad's skill? Isn't it incredible how he is able somehow to pose for a photoshoot in a park without any opposition or need to actually hit a ball, with perfect technique, while Michael so-called Clarke is unable to achieve such a perfect stance in the middle of the SCG while trying to hit a ball travelling at 145km/h in the middle of the bat in front of a crowd of thousands with a team of fielders waiting to prey on any mistakes and with the knowledge that failure puts his career in jeopardy?

Just how DOES Brew do it, and why can't Clarke replicate that perfect textbook technique every time a photographer takes a picture of him?

Sign this kid up as head coach immediately, CA, he's got answers for everyone. "I think Mitchell Johnson should bowl straighter". "The slips should try not to drop the ball". "Ponting should bring on a bowler who will take a wicket".

Aussie cricket's future: sorted.

Jesus Christ


Floods? Oh yeah, we're happy to help. It's what makes Australia great, our willingness to band together when our fellow countrymen are in trouble and put every hand to the tiller to help out. It's mateship, it's the Australian way, it's what makes us unique among nations, our eagerness to help, our can-do spirit, our indefatigable love of pitching in to see our friends through a rough spot.

So absolutely we'll help. We'll work as hard as we can, we'll give till it hurts, we will do everything that is humanly possible to help you poor buggers get back on your feet again. 'Cos we're Australians, and Australians lend a hand when times are tough. With you all the way.

Oh great! Then would you mind perhaps just paying a little bit extra tax for a short while?


They Breed 'Em Tough At News Ltd

In today's Herald Sun, prominent columnist/ironman Alan Howe has pointed out how Anna Bligh, in her attempts to cheer up Queenslanders, has revealed the dark, rotten heart of her innate racism. Bligh stands exposed for what she is: racist against Victorians. And possibly Tasmanians and maybe West Australians. Not New South Welsh though, who are pussies.

But the machinations of vicious premiers who use tragedies as opportunities to promulgate their grubby vote-pulling bigotry aside, one part of Howe's think-piece struck me as particularly intriguing:

Not long ago a Queensland Liberal leader went by the name of Denver Beanland, such was the dearth of talent in conservative ranks.

The logic seems to go like this:

1. The Liberal Party had a leader called Denver Beanland.
2. People called Denver Beanland are innately untalented.
3. Therefore, the Liberal Party has no talent.

I'm just wondering what process Howe went through in developing this "funny name=incompetence" theory, and if he could share the workings of his mighty brain with his readers.

I mean, I can see the theory's explanatory power clearly enough: "Why are some politicians talented and some not? Because the untalented ones have names that Alan Howe thinks are odd". It all fits like the cogs of a beautiful watch. I just want to learn more about the process, so I can one day aspire to be an intellectual too, like Alan.

My Life As A Fabulous Prize

If you are an aspiring writer or a lover of writing looking to make a contribution to recovery efforts for the Queensland floods, Writers On Rafts is the Queensland Writers' Centre's initiative to pull together a collective of writers and wandering publishing-folk to chip in.

Head to the site to check it out - essentially you buy a ticket for $5 and thereby gain a chance to win a writerly prize in one of four categories.

The categories:

Author Visit - where you have a writer of your choice visit your writers' group, book club or school.

Writer Support - a one-on-one workshop, writing session or manuscript assessment from the writer or industry bod of your choice.

Character Name - have your chosen writer name a character in their next book after you.

Book Pack - Win a stack of books from your chosen author, personally signed.

And then there's the Super Special Prize Draw!

All the details of the competition are on the site, and it is raising money for a very, very good cause - all money goes to the Queensland Premier's Flood Relief Appeal. You can enter as many times as you like in as many categories as you choose - the more you enter the more chance you have to win.

As you may have surmised, I am myself a prize in this competition, but there are loads and loads of other high-class slabs of writer up for grabs - like Benjamin Law, Emily Maguire, First Dog On The Moon, Nick Earls, Markus Zusak, Morris Gleitzman, Peter Fitzsimons, Tara Moss, Jessica Rudd (!), Marianne de Pierres, Bec Sparrow, Mem Fox, Kathy Lette, Toni Jordan, and oh so many many more. Tons to choose from.

So do check it out, it's kinda cool.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

You've Changed, Man


How could you?

I mean...being so nasty.

Being so mean.

I just...I just can't believe it. Mocking those poor people. Making FUN of them.

So cruel. So unfeeling.

When did this happen, Ricky? When did you become so acerbic? So snarky? When did you develop this unattractive habit of making jokes at others' expense?

What happened to the Ricky we once knew? The kind, gentle, whimsical Ricky who would make lovely, inoffensive jokes about mothers-in-law and happy woodland creatures? The Ricky who didn't see "comedy" as an excuse to take cheap shots? The Ricky who wanted to make us all feel GOOD about ourselves?

What happened to THIS Ricky? You'd hardly even know it was the same man!

Somewhere, that love of humanity was drowned, sacrificed to the altar of "edginess". And it's a damn shame.

What's more, it's sneaky. One thing is for SURE: When they booked Ricky Gervais to host the Golden Globes, they would have had NO IDEA that he would ever be impolite. That's not the Ricky they knew, or the Ricky we know.

Hang your head, Ricky, and think about where it all went wrong.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Welcome back!

To same old place that you laughed about...

Did you have a good Christmas? A festive new year? Or was it a dark period in your life that you hope never to have to re-live?

Anyway, the new year is here, and full of exciting possibilities. Personally, I've been busy as hell, and in 2011 I've got lots of goodies to share.

Firstly, why not listen to the RETURN OF GATHER AROUND ME, Cam Smith and myself back to let you all know about the problems of teens who are also hospital administrators and/or staff. And some other things. Your ears will be amazed.

Also, look out for my upcoming contribution in the February issue of Kings Tribune magazine, my debut for this particular organ.

And of course, New Matilda is back next month to inform and delight you all! Make sure you check out the many fine writers contributing to debate there.

But besides these immediate concerns, let's look into the mists of the future. You may all commence slavering with anticipation, as March sees the publication of my first proper, real, honest-to-goodness papery BOOK!

Surveying the Wreckage, published by aduki Press.

Start ticking off the days now. I'm excited. Are you excited?

Welcome back, my friends, to the blog that never ends.