Tony Abbott's Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat
(OR, A Trip Through The Tunnel Of Love)
(OR, A Psychedelic Manifesto)
(OR, The Adventures of Andrew, Ultra-Deacon)
I just can't stop myself singing
As I stand here before you, my beloved people
Your upturned faces shining like stars in the night sky
With hope, freedom and competence writ large across each one
I can't stop myself singing at the thought
Of the beautiful future I've come here to show you
Of the shimmering, glistening world we will live in
Now I am here
Let me now spread my arms wide and fold you in my loving Liberal embrace
Let me envelop you in the coruscating creases
Of my coat of many colours
With sleeves woven from democracy
Lapels crafted from truth
Pockets deep, the better to hold all your dreams
And throughout it is stitched together with finest economic discipline
Because folks, coats of many colours do not come cheap
As I look down upon you all, decent, hard-working creatures that you are
I am filled with love and affection
And I can't stop myself singing
Of the wonders I will show you
Of the happiness you will know
Of the security you will experience
I can't stop myself singing
About my coat and the magic it contains in every seam
And know, my people, my children, my beloved fluffy little electorate-bunnies
That no matter what happens, I will never, ever lie to you about how much I love this coat
No matter what happens, I will never abandon this coat
Whatever tragedies come to pass, me and this coat are in it for the long haul
That's why I sing to you today
Of this coat, and the boon it will be to our manufacturing industry
The advantages the coat will bring to our steel sector
The ability of the coat to reduce asylum seekers to a fine powder on sight
I cannot stop singing, my people, because now I am wearing this coat
Everything will be All Right
Once life was bleak
And cold
And involved no coats of many colours
My predecessor
She wore
A coat of one colour
And that colour was Evil
And that's why
I came to you
All those months ago
And said
Let me don my coat of many colours!
And I promise
You will feel
Like sunshine on your backs
And burgers in your bellies
And a skilled tongue between your thighs
And now I am wearing this coat I shall be that tongue
And I shall skilfully bring this nation to climax
And the lubrication I bring to our fiscal position
Will allow for penetration into markets as yet undreamed of!
Did you know a man in a coat could be so sexy?
He can
I am naked under this coat
And I am tumescent for your vote
Look closer
I've been working out
And I can't stop singing
And I can't stop cutting taxes
And I can't stop holding the government accountable
And I can't stop riding my bike
And I can't stop oiling my toned, muscular thighs
And I can't stop singing
And I can't stop wearing this coat
This coat of many colours
That is my gift to you
"Gift" in the sense of "thing I am keeping for myself"
And I can't stop singing
And I can't stop listening to mums and dads
And I can't stop easing cost of living pressures
And I can't stop getting tough on things
AND I CAN'T STOP SINGING
THIS IS MY COAT OF MANY COLOURS AND YOU WILL RAISE YOUR HANDS TO ME
FOR I CARE
AND I AM HERE FOR YOU
KEEP WATCHING THE COAT
...
UNGH
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