Thursday, February 25, 2010

An Historical ConunDrum

My latest weekly wrap at The ABC's The Drum is to be found here.

This is what "Darius the Mede" says about it:

for the first time in my life i agree with Miranda Devine; peurile is an apt description of Mr Pobjie's work.
Accusing Mr Garrett of being a murderer is not satire, it is slander but no doubt Mr Pobjie thinks the families of the insulation workers who have lost their lives find it hilarious.
Each day the ABC seems to find new lows in the quality of its on-line news and commentary

Well that's all very well Darius, but if I were an historical figure whose existence has been called into question by numerous reputable historians, I'd be more worried about getting my own house in order before throwing stones as the houses of others.

Also, how did a 6th-centruy BC king get access to the internet? Fibre to the node?

Also, why doesn't anyone know the difference between slander and libel? J. Jonah Jameson knows, why don't you, Darius the Mede?

Saturday, February 20, 2010

I Bet You're Feeling Pretty Low Right About Now

In today's edition of the Herald Sun, it is revealed that Australians (defined in the Macquarie Dictionary as "people who respond to online Herald Sun polls) do not believe Tiger Woods's expression of contrition.

Tiger is reportedly shattered by this news:

The Herald Sun also reports, in its "What the professionals said" section (in which professional people who are professional at something say things) that breakfast radio co-host Brigitte "Brig" Duclos thinks that "All the sex therapy in the world wouldn't allow me to trust Tiger again."

"Brigitte Duclos doesn't trust me anymore?"

Because how can Tiger pick up the pieces without Brig's trust? How can he try to rebuild his relationship with this complete stranger if she does not trust him anymore. From now on, whenever he is playing golf on the other side of the world, or sitting in his house nowhere near Brigitte Duclos, or going out to a function that has no connection to Brigitte Duclos at all, she will have this gnawing doubt..."what's he up to?" she will think. "Is he doing something that is none of my business? Who can tell with a cad like he's been?"

And that's the real tragedy. From now on, there's only one man for Brig.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Out Now!

I bet you often say to yourself, "It's great reading the work of Ben Pobjie on my electrical computer, but I wish there were some way that I could hear his rich, mellifluous voice speaking as if only to me, while I relax in the bath or drift gently off to sleep. Why is there no way for me to hear him yell and scream in the privacy of my own home?"

Brace yourself for some startling news...


HYPNOPROPHET - TALES OF TRUTH AND EXPLOSIONS is an exclusive LIVE recording of all those well-loved spoken-word hits that you have never heard in your life. So it's not only classic, it is surprising.

It is $15 from all good record stores. Unfortunately, no record stores are good, so you can't get it from them. But you CAN get it from me, either by emailing, or stopping me in the street and flattering and/or kissing me until I agree to sell you one.

Don't wait! Rush to buy!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Today in Tabloids

(cross-posted at Gather Around Me)

You may have got the impression from earlier postings that Melbourne's Herald Sun was mainly a repository for the ramblings of developmentally delayed readers with too much unsupervised email time available.

This is not true. It is also a repository for the ramblings of developmentally delayed journalists. Take for instance today's front page headline, which screamed "RED ARMY" in huge letters.

The story, with an update noting the army's backdown, is here. It's all about the shocking revelation that the government planned to MAKE OUR BRAVE FIGHTING SOLDIERS WEAR CHINESE MATERIAL!!!!!

And so the headline, RED ARMY. Get it? Because they're communists? So our soldiers would be wearing communist fabric? So our army would be "red"?


Felix Sher, whose son Gregory was killed in a rocket attack in Afghanistan last year, said this morning questions had to be asked over what justified the bizarre cost-cutting strategy.

"Bizarre cost-cutting strategy"? The strategy is to cut costs. This is, you know, to save money. Apparently this is bizarre to the Herald Sun? No, Herald Sun - a "bizarre cost-cutting strategy" would be one where you, say, threw a million dollars in cash into the river in order to cut costs - that would be quite bizarre. A cost-cutting strategy that saves you money is not a bizarre one; it's actually quite a sensible one, I would have thought.

"If Greg was alive I don't think he would be happy," Mr Sher said. "To wear a Chinese-made uniform just to save a dollar ... I don't think any Australian soldier would be happy.

"Greg was devoted to his job and to his country but if he was alive he'd definitely be asking why the Defence Department were doing this.''

And maybe the defence department would say, "To save money, cockface - now get back in line".

Because MAYBE, Mr Sher, the idea is to save money on uniforms - which, in a world full of SANE PEOPLE, would be made wherever was most convenient and cost-effective, with a general agreement that it doesn't matter the slightest, tiniest, infinitesimal bit where the fabric got made, for Christ's sake.

Jennifer Ward, whose son Benjamin Ranaudo was killed in Afghanistan last year, said the cost-cutting strategy was going too far.

"It might just be factory work to some people, but that company would be proud to make those uniforms,’’ Mrs Ward told the Herald Sun.

Oh, well if they're PROUD. I mean, you didn't mention they'd be PROUD to make uniforms. By all means, let the necessities of the defence budget take a backseat to company pride - the self-esteem of factory workers is after all the main purpose of the Defence Force, innit?

Australian Defence Association executive director Neil James blasted the decision.

"Do we seriously expect our soldiers to fight a war dressed in a uniform made in China?" he said.

"There's a simple dignity issue."

Yes, how undignified! Good God, our brave diggers might catch Chineseness from their uniforms! How can any soldier feel dignified fighting in a uniform that is exactly the same as any other uniform, knowing the identical uniform was made in China? How could this bunch of sissy, pansy-arse, wussy, limp-wristed nancy-boys handle it, given they're such a bunch of soft, namby-pamby little girls they can't even handle putting on a foreign-made shirt? Pussies.

Oh yeah, and Sophie Mirabella weighed in:

Opposition industry spokeswoman Sophie Mirabella said it was outrageous.

"Our soldiers risk their lives under the flag and in the uniform of this country," she said. "It's dangerous, unpatriotic and tawdry for the Government to save a few dollars and buy the fabric overseas."

But we already knew she was a total fuckstick, so no need to pay much attention there.

Still, they backed down, so it's nice to see the Herald Sun's proud tradition of racist, xenophobic scaremongering continues to get results in the corridors of power.

Bravo Herald Sun.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Christopher Monckton is a funny man, with a brain that works, but not in the way it's supposed to.

Here is what I have written about him.

The article also features Tony Abbott, Kevin Rudd, and ice cream.

Also, go to Gather Around Me to get the latest podcast from me and Cam Smith, in which war veterans and Indian thieves are discussed in a mature and responsible way.