ARIES: Last night's lobster will haunt your dreams for many years to come. Therapy is recommended, but will be useless.
TAURUS: You can relax: you actually ARE a fundamentally bad person.
GEMINI: This will be a big week for you, as you will find a large quantity of drugs in your home, and be able to live the life you always wanted to.
CANCER: This week will be the week where you finally understand how powerful the love between a man and a dingo can be. Also you should wear blue. You'll understand when it happens.
LEO: You will meet a tall and charming man, but sabotage your relationship with him due to a persistent paranoid concern that he might be a malevolent insect-god in human form. That'll be Monday. The rest of the week you will spend using a hand-mirror to peer into your intimate crevices.
VIRGO: You're so fat. Why are you so fat?
LIBRA: Everyone worries about the future sometimes. Except you. You might have a brain injury.
SCORPIO: Tonight you will die. Painfully and slowly. There is literally no way you can avoid this. All you can do is wait with growing dread for your horrific demise. Your lucky number is 18.
SAGITTARIUS: An unexpected financial transaction will lead to a nasty case of shingles. What will shock you most will be the part played by former child star Gaby Hoffman in the affair.
CAPRICORN: A distant relative will come to stay with you and use all your towels. This will be much less interesting than it sounds.
AQUARIUS: It's probably time to clear up some long-unresolved issues in your life. Start with returning those ill-fitting shoes, and then work your way up to the dead hooker.
PISCES: At some point in the coming week your face will be torn off by industrial machinery. Try to act surprised when it happens.