Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Update on a fractured mind

I'm pissed off.

I'm pissed off by people, pissed off by the world, pissed off by the bigotry, the stupidity, the hatred and the selfishness. I'm pissed off by the fact that I know how guilty I can be of these things. I'm pissed off with myself for not fighting harder against them. And I'm tired of caring and I'm pissed off that I'm tired.

And I'm pissed off most of all by the fact that I'm pissed off. I'm pissed off that I'm depressed and hurt and insulted and I'm pissed off that I'm in a terrible headspace today and I know that that's the only reason I'm letting everything get to me and I'm pissed off that I've allowed myself to fall victim to my own emotions.

What it boils down to is: I'm pissed off, because I'm just not the person I want to be, and I never will be. And I the fact that I know I should accept myself the way I am makes me dislike myself even more, and accept myself even less.

So I'm pissed off. At everything. Especially myself. And I have no idea how not to be, nor any hope that I ever will.

I apologise for this post.


Anonymous said...

I'm a better person than i was 12 months ago. At which point i was a better person than i was 12 months before that. Yet at both those times it was inconceivable to think I'd have progressed, because at the time, i didn't see how to do so. Hence where i was at.
Don't write yourself off. We all grow. Even those who don't want to. You're allowed to be angry. Just never be silent.xo

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear that Ben. If it's any consolation, your columns and tweets are consistently entertaining, which is more than can be said for most writers!

Anonymous said...

No need to apologise. I have depression. It's hard. It's unpredictable. Because there doesn't seem to be a reason I'm feeling this way I feel like I don't have the right to feel this way - but that's wrong. Depression does that to you. And to me. See? You do lots of great things - you're entertaining, you put youself out there and make yourself vulnerable so you're brave. For what it's worth, I think you're awesome. Just put one foot in front of the other till it passes. Cos it will

KayMac said...

Firstly, never apologise for how you feel.

Secondly, you've put into words exactly how I feel at the moment so you're certainly not alone. Not that this will make any difference.

Thirdly, never apologise for how you feel. Ever.

Dee said...

Ben, You're a good person, even though you may not feel or believe it some days. Truly. I've suffered from depression and it takes every bit of time and effort to get out of the pit of self-loathing.
You have family and friends who love you and fans who appreciate your work. Each time you write you make a difference. You may not always be able to measure it with a stick or with stats, but it's all up here *tap head* and in here *tap heart*. ANd that's all that matters :)

Kitty said...

Everybody gets angry occasionally. People just happen to piss us off on days where we're feeling particularly under the gun. There's no need to apologise, because we all get cranky - me moreso than most.

Don't assume that because you have depression, that your emotions are not valid. Every single one of them still counts.

Anonymous said...

Ben I hope your pissedoffness passes quickly and doesn't return for a while. I don't know you but have enjoyed your writings, blog, tweets for ages. You are obviously loved and appreciated by friends and strangers (like me)and I hope that on a better day this might sustain you and ward off or diminish the impact of bad days like this one. Wishing you and Bec well always.

Unknown said...

I love a good pissed off post. On my blog I flag them as 'Stuff That Shits Me'. It's good to get it off your chest. Hope the shitty stuff passes and life is awesome again soon.

Unknown said...

I love a good pissed off post. On my blog I flag them as 'Stuff That Shits Me'. It's good to get it off your chest. Hope the shitty stuff passes and life is awesome again soon.

Carl Joseph said...

Incredibly brave of you to post this Ben. You should be proud of your courage for sure.

Reading this helps others who suffer from depression, including myself, to remember that the pain is not our own.

Take care of yourself Ben and be gentle with yourself too.

Anonymous said...

I know this isn't a cure-all by any stretch of the imagination; but as for not fighting hard enough against things, I used your piece on Slutwalk to explain to people why I went, and convinced people with it. I'm not naive enough to think that this is going to stop you being pissed off, but I really love your writing, both serious and satirical and I definitely think it strikes at the bigotry and stupidity of the world.

Anonymous said...

I've only just read this and it sums me up today. But reading this has taken the edge off it a bit. I would never wish for anyone to be in this state of mind, but knowing someone else has experienced it gives a strange sort of comfort. I'm not alone.
Thank you.

Anonymous said...

i love you