HELP! GAYS!

Former Victorian premier and current Hawthorn Football Club president Jeff Kennett succumbs to his constant fear that his face will seize up if he keeps his mouth shut, and backs a football club that sacked a trainer for being gay.

Jeff is worried that if you let a gay man massage other men it "ran an unnecessary risk".

"It's the same if you have a pedophile there as a masseur, right?" said Mr Kennett, showing that endearing sensitivity that made him such a beloved political figure.

Indeed it is, Jeff - in fact, the previous 22 years the chap spent working for the football club were probably just a clever, slow-burning ruse, waiting for the perfect moment to out himself, upon which he would seize his opportunity and start raping everyone in sight.

So naturally, the football club did the right thing. Somebody has to take a stand before these gays start thinking of themselves as people.

In News Limited papers, Robbo and Ando discussed the issue with equal sophistication and intelligence. Apparently Ando and Robbo "both know where Jeff's coming from". Also, they admire Jeff, because "at least he speaks his mind".

So when you email Robbo and Ando to point out that they are oafish halfwits perpetrating a laughable mockery of the word "journalism", you will get a speedy reply commending you on how well you speak your mind. Since forthrightness is all that matters, after all.