We have to talk about Junior Masterchef.
Why has it taken me so long to discuss this? Because I have only just awoken from the torpor into which I slumped upon the end of the finale, having collapsed to the floor in a great puddle of disgust, disappointment and pastry.
Because let me just say this:
Let me repeat it:
ELEVEN OUT OF GODDAMN FREAK-BUGGERING TEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let me explain something to everyone involved with that travesty.
YOU CANNOT HAVE ELEVEN OUT OF TEN
I know this, because back in kindergarten we did a maths problem that went, how many numbers are there in ten? The answer was...TEN.
Then in first grade we learned another maths problem that went, what is one more than ten? The answer was...ELEVEN.
Get that, Junior Masterchef? ELEVEN is MORE than TEN.
In other words, "11/10" is not a score - it is a FREAKING DISGRACE.
Is this how it had to end, Junior Masterchef? After wowing us with how great these kids were at making wonderful dishes, after impressing us with their poise and skill, after dazzling us with their adorable enthusiasm and sincerity, this is what you serve up?
You tell us these kids are real talented chefs, you set us up to believe there is an actual competition going on, and then...
And then you bring it all crashing down around our ears with your 11/10s, with your 53/50 versus 50/50, making real all our worst fears: that it was all a sham, that it was never a real contest at all. You would go to any lengths necessary to manufacture false tension for that final challenge.
What I can't believe is how some people think that pressures of Junior Masterchef were too cruel for the kids. Good Lord, the show wasn't cruel enough! We managed to swallow our qualms about the ridiculously generous scores all series, but when you stoop to the depths of 11/10, we cannot stand any more.
There is NO SUCH THING as 11/10! It's a cheat, it's a fraud, it's a gold-plated five-star supernova of Go To Hell What Do You Take Us For?
Perhaps I can let Kate Miller-Heidke sum up my feelings at the Junior Masterchef finale:
My faith is shaken, Masterchef. You will need to work to restore it. You will need to reassure me that everything I see is not a cruel hoax, an attempt to play on my emotions and my love of vigorous competition in order to sell paper towels, while secretly all of you are laughing behind my back and punching numbers into a supercomputer to determine what mathematically impossible fraction is best-suited to creating a false impression of drama.
I guess what I'm saying, in essence, is: This would never have happened if you hadn't got rid of Zoe.
BRING BACK ZOE!