In my perusings of the modern media landscape, a worrying trend has come to my attention: young men who apparently just can't stop having non-consensual sex with others. It's a tricky problem, and one to which there are, clearly, no easy solutions. I mean, it's all very well to say "No means no", but as popular ex-footballer/arachnid Peter "Spida" Everitt says, when a girl goes home with a guy at 3am, it's not for a cup of Milo. So we can see there are two sides to every story: on the one hand, a young lady might feel violated, but on the other hand, why do these women keep going round to strangers' houses in the hopes of having some Milo? Why don't they buy their OWN Milo? Young people today, I ask you.
The point is, as a man myself, I know how hard it can sometimes be to not be a rapist. Masculine identity is so ill-defined these days, what with the sexual revolution, feminism, meggings and so on: it's so difficult to know what women want: do they want us to hold the door open and pay for dinner, or do they want us to wait until they're blind drunk and have sex with them against their will? How can we tell? After all, as ABC The Drum commenter "James" says in response to an article by Lauren Rosewarne, "Why are young women so strange?"
Indeed, why? When young women are free to go around being strange all over the place, how can men be expected to know how to behave? This is why we see so many comments around the internet along the lines of "Why do these women put themselves in this situation what do they expect they are just after bragging rights they can't change their minds after the fact I agree with Kerri-Anne Kennerly"?
When people start agreeing with Kerri-Anne Kennerly, society has gone too far, and this is why I have prepared, for the benefit of my fellow man and also people who play football, a Handy Guide To Not Raping People. Feel free to print it out and keep it in your shirt pocket, men, so next time you find yourself in an awkward situation where it seems you have no choice but to rape someone, you can check the guide and gracefully extricate yourself from the sticky predicament.
THE HANDY GUIDE TO NOT RAPING PEOPLE IN SEVEN EASY STEPS
1. When you meet a girl who doesn't want to have sex with you, don't have sex with her.
2. When you meet a girl who wants to have sex with one of your friends, remember the golden rule: You Are A Different Person To Your Friends. Maybe this handy mnemonic can help: Yentl Acted As Ducks Probed Three Yucky Frenchmen. This will help you remember that a girl who wants to have sex with one person does not necessarily want to have sex with every person she meets. Confusing, I know; what can I say - political correctness, etc.
3. If you meet a girl who DOES want to have sex with you, but then a bit later she says she'd rather not, don't have sex with her. Again, pretty confusing, I know, but it's due to a special Scientific Fact: sometimes girls change their minds. Like, remember the time you wanted a kebab, but then you thought no, I'll have a hamburger instead? It's a bit like that, only with sex.
4. When you meet a girl who is unconscious, don't have sex with her. This is true even if she was drinking before. I may be delving into some fairly arcane theory here, but scientists have discovered there is actually technically a difference between "drinking a lot of alcohol" and "saying yes I want to have sex with you". I realise this difference is probably hard to spot for a lot of you guys; you might have to squint a bit.
5. When you go home with a girl, try not to have sex with her until after she says she'd like to.
6. Practise not having sex with people. I know it's hard - sometimes you just look down and it's like, whoops, I'm having sex with this girl, how did that happen? But I bet with a bit of concentration and discipline, you can actually manage to avoid having sex with someone, even when they're in the same room as you. It's true! Anyone can do it! Why, last week I met at least five women who I actually didn't have sex with, without causing myself any particularly severe internal injuries.
7. When you meet a girl who doesn't want to have sex with you, don't have sex with her. I realise I already said this one, but that was five steps ago, and I have a feeling some of you guys might have slightly short attention spans.
So there you go: seven easy steps to becoming a non-rapist. I bet you didn't think it was that simple, did you? You probably thought you'd need electrodes attached to something. But no, you can do it in your own living room! It's just a matter of staying "on the ball" and learning the difference between a girl who wants to have sex with you, and a girl who doesn't. One way is by listening to what she says: a girl who says "Let's have sex" probably wants to have sex; a girl who says "let's not have sex" probably doesn't. I realise listening to what women say will be a new experience for a lot of you, but I'm confident you can manage it. Practise at home first if you like, with a mirror and a wig.
Anyway, good luck with it all, guys! I know you probably think you could never not rape people, but I believe in you, guys! With a little bit of hard work and determination, anyone can not have sex, any time they want! Amazing but true!
Happy Not-raping!
267 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 201 – 267 of 267Anonymous said:
It sounds like people are redefining consent, so let's just lay down the dictionary definition: to permit, approve, or agree; comply or yield. There is nothing in here saying that being drunk means you can't consent.
On the contrary, the alcohol becomes a cause for your consenting.
It isn't the dictionary meaning of consent that you need to worry about but the legal one, which, in essence, says that someone who is drunk or affected by drugs is unable to give consent. It also makes no discrimination between previous sexual activity or current or past relationship, meaning that if someone says no, even if they have said yes in the past, then it means no.
All of these people discussing scenarios where she says 'no' and he continues are missing the point; in most rapes she doesn't make much of an effort to say 'no'. No wonder many blokes incorrectly assume they have consent because she isn't saying no.
laws should be much simpler ..
any sex under the influence of alcohol or drugs should simply be illegal .. period
thats how it already is anyway in victoria. not the same in the other states though as far as i know.
you are a rapist in victoria but not elsewhere then i suppose
these days if enough people just say your a rapist you are
you got to wonder if the people naming other people rapists are actually using them as a smokescreen for their own behavior
would provide the perfect cover me thinks
settled then .. call someone a rapist .. you are a rapist OK
what you say is what you are and it takes one to no one sort of thing
its all media and gossips on the sex is bad bandwagon
yeh, their is shit thats bad, but your right, sometimes all the talk makes something thats not bad .. well bad
and thats bad
The strap-on analogy was brilliant. Man is raped by stripper with a strap on after specifically denying consent and men are outraged. Women go home with men and are told they deserve to be raped for putting themselves in that position. Could there be a clearer example of double standards?
I suspect most would accept that the stripper should have been convicted for rape and that various other people should also be convicted for rape. But it seems some of the men on this board would prefer no one is convicted for rape.
Why do some men assume they have consent? Where did this farcical concept come from? I didn't specifically say no to something doesn't mean I said yes to it. It's very simple - if you have nothing that positively indicates you have consent - then don't assume you have it. If you have sex with someone and were so careless as to whether or not you have consent don't be surprised if you are accused of rape.
Oh and btw, I'm a guy. This idea that we're all sexual beings that have no way of knowing whether or not we have consent, except when women are forced to say 'I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX', is extremely offensive and a huge cop out. Take some responsibility or stay at home and jerk off.
if 2 drunk people are having sex and one says stop then
a: does the drunk one saying stop mean it .. maybe not cause they are under the influence and there choices are not theres to make (unless its declining already given consent)
b: the drunk person being asked to stop .. doesnt no if its reality or again .. just the liquor talking
(man says stop .. woman says .. shut up you drunken fool and do me or the reverse)
two drunk people having sex should suck it up and put it down to experience .. as if you were not capable of making the decision in the first place im not sure how either of them would be capable of ascertaining whether they actually wanted them to stop
the only way you can blanket law these sort of situations is make drunken sex illegal
innocents will always get done and non innocents wont .. and the reverse of course.
messy, unclear, unequal .. big grey area
no alcohol involved in sex full stop
no media shit storms and we can all talk about other things again
im not drunk
im gonna get drunk
your gonna do me
if i say stop its just the alcohol talking
im making that decision now cause when im drunk i wont no what im saying
victoria=rape
nsw=not rape
apparently
the bottom line seems to be that women such as the "strap on stripper" are not getting found guilty, however, men in these situations are also getting found not guilty.
there is no double standard, cause no one is getting done for rape in these alcohol fueled circumstances
duh .. the reason no male or female is getting done is cause they apparently are not raping
i think the courts maybe have a bit more sense than what they are giving credit for .. laws shouldnt be passed on someones or some moral minorities outrage, no matter how noisy they are
they have also worked out that once alcohol is involved it gets really hard cause "everyone" is not clear and convicting someone of any crime without 100% surety should be a worse crime than a crime of consenting adults engaging in drunken sex
the other crime should also be people and media passing judgement before someone is found guilty of anything .. nothing worse than those sort of douche's
that is pretty obvious i think
what about drug fuelled sex
do both people get done for using illegal drugs or only whoever might be found guilty of rape
You're right to an extent- across the board sexual assault has a low conviction rate - but the double standards aren't in the courts, it's in society. When women are raped we're told it's their fault for being there in the first place. When the situation is reversed there is an outpouring of sympathy for the man.
It's not limited to sexism either. If this rape was perpetrated by Muslims most would be making declarations of guilt and how their culture demeans women and how Australians shouldn't tolerate it. But because this one involves footballers, we're told it was her fault for going home with them. No one applies that logic to women who go home with Muslims.
Unfortunately, conviction rates and actual rates of sexual assault are not going to fall significantly anytime soon - prevention has always focused on the behaviour of the victims and not the perpetrators. Until education and prevention strategies are targeted at men- we're stuck with a very awful problem
Okay - what is with people being unable to see a difference between being 'drunk' and being 'drugged with a date-rape drug'?
Maybe you act 'retarded' after being criminally drugged. Of course that will be rape if you can barely move, never give consent and someone has sex with you.
Though if you are merely drunk, and act on your own - agree to have sex with someone while drunk. Wake up, regret it because you are in a relationship - that is complete BULLSHIT! Anyone who is saying 'OOoo drunk women can't consent' - stop being so sexist. If men can have consensual sex while drunk - so can women.
Also - what world are some of you people living in? A man doesn't get sympathy for being raped.
A man will be laughed at, and most people will not believe him. Most people won't even accept that a woman can rape a man.
Often if a man is accused of rape, he will receive scorn whether it's proven or not. Perhaps not in the case of footballers, because fans are stupid and will defend their heroes for their own sake.
Though an average man will receive more hatred for a rape claim than a woman would. The fact that the stripper was not convicted and everyone laughs about it shows the double standard. Women have trouble convicting their rapists - think about what men have to go through after being raped - being actually LAUGHED at.
these days i think most men are assumed to be rapists until proven otherwise
they are inevitably absolved after death due to not having got into trouble for not raping
if they are lucky
So here is an interesting question since it was this situation that started this um er ....
Did those two footballers rape someone?
@ImpotentAnger
If you're concerned that 'How Not to Rape' implies there are right and wrong ways to rape someone, why are you not concerned that 'How Not to Rape People' implies that perhaps you should be raping animals or objects?
Jus' sayin'.
This blog must be read my many people and should get this useful information about the how not to rape the people. And it is hand guide for all of the persons.
Ben, thank you, it really is so clear. That's what I can never understand, why rape is often referred to as a'grey' area. or confusing.
As you so beautifully point out it's not confusing: if you don't clearly have consent then don;t have sex. Simple, and for al those guys out there who are going well what if I'm drunk too? Well what if? I suggest you read the Victorian Crimes Act and find out...
Stop doing the 'but what ifs' and start taking responsibility for your actions.
I love the way Ben turns around the advice given to woman about avoiding rape and shifts it to men to take responsibility not to rape. Thanks Ben, you've made my day
how often is drunk (consensual) sex actually really any good anyway?
If you both do really like each other, wait until you arent drunk. The sex will be way better AND you'll remember it
There's now been a nice cycle in this thread as follows:
1. People make ridiculous comments implying that anyone sleeping with a slightly tipsy girl who hasn't signed a binding contract including colour diagrams and a timetable is 'rape'
2. People point out that this is not correct or sensible for a number of reasons and also appears to reflect certain double standards about responsibility and communication when both parties are drunk
3. Militant divorced fathers and anonymous date rapists/prison sex victims jump on board and make argument #2 look like a cynical justification for wild sexism by arguing that women who have a glass of wine have consented to free for all gang banging
4. People making argument #1 feel justified and avoid dealing with the points raised by argument #2
I love the internet.
'When women are raped we're told it's their fault for being there in the first place. When the situation is reversed there is an outpouring of sympathy for the man.'
There are about 1 MILLION rapes committed in American male jails every year. No one knows for sure because no proper study has ever been conducted..... because nobody gives a shit.
Why?
On a related topic
A girl offered to buy me a drink last saturday night (Im a guy btw). I didnt find her attractive, so I said no. Simple isnt it? No misunderstanding, no rape.
Why are we pretending that accepting a drink from someone doesnt mean anything?
Girls I know getting something for nothing is great but nothing is free.
free drink from a stranger = would you consider doing me
accepting free drink = maybe
maybe /= no
Doesnt give you a right to have sex but....... Why dont you just say no next time and avoid all this?
I have never, EVER raped a woman in my life.
I am 20, and lost my virginity this year.
Not all men are rapists or sex maniacs. I thought this was kind of patronising...
Hey, congratulations, most recent Anonymous! Aren't you the clever boy!
Rofl - Latest annonymous is funny. Yes - it is patronising and have you noticed all the how not to get raped dribble women have to put up with?
Apparently men are so dumb that they need this kind of guide - it's not women who have told us this - it's men. Apparently, unless men are told specifically, a drink does not equate to i want to have sex with you, or, if i am asleep, I don't want to have sex with you - they don't know that they don't have consent. This is what we, as men keep telling people.
Oh actually there is research around male to male rape and there is research on rape within prisons. With regards to prisoners - people don't care because they are prisoners, not because they are men men. It's a sad indictment on our society though. Also, its odd that you assume only male prisoners are raped in prison.
Is anyone else waiting for the guys that said the most repulsive stuff in these comments to claim women tricked them into making the comments? Seems to be their MO.
that couple have just been sentenced for raping their child .. man got heaps more than woman .. by about five years actually cause she said the man "made her do it"....
what a crock
women can manipulate men better than men can manipulate women .. maybe it should have been the other way around
shock horror - how could you say that about a female
another woman has been charged with sexual assault in an aged care facility in inner sydney
maybe he was drunk right....
to 20 year old who just lost virginity
I don't want to put a dampener on your exiting loss of virginity thing
but you may have actually been raped ..
particularly if you had any alcohol on the aforementioned night
there are several websites you can check out if you need help
http://www.mankindcounselling.org.uk/
http://www.male-rape.org.uk/
however you will notice they are UK based though cause men only get raped in other countries
what was that old guy doing in an aged care facility in the first place
i wish these comments had a like tag
the old guy went there for a drink
HANDY GUIDE HOW NOT TO BE ACCUSED OF RAPE AFTER NOT RAPING SOMEONE (preliminary draft)
1)Don't be born; however if you are unlucky enough to be born, get a sex change. If all of this fails, a cave can be helpful however suicide is a complete fail safe.
2)Drink enough to get pulled over for drink driving and locked in the cell for a night thus providing yourself with an alibi.
(This one only works if the other party is actually so drunk that they are still convinced they had sex with you).
3)As soon as you hit 15, become a serial killer and get life imprisonment. Now the more people you kill, the better as there will be less chance of an early release.
(Remember, prior to age 18 you will still be charged as a minor so you have to ensure your murderous spree continues until at least age 21)
4)The buddy: This person rings the police for you and unequivocally states they slept with you that night and you were actually raping them.
(However, you will need several buddies for this one as usually you have to murder each buddy after one use.)
5)Murder yourself after sex while your partner is asleep beside you. This is obviously a one time use only but it is a "get your cake and eat it" way to go. Lets face it, compared to some of the other options this is the best way to ensure that you are the winner right.
disclaimer: Every word of this must be taken completely seriously otherwise the cruel fate of "BEING ACCUSED OF RAPE AFTER NOT RAPING SOMEONE" awaits you. If you don't believe me just read the papers and internet forums and statistics will confirm
disclaier2: You probably still will be accused of rape .. suck eggs
srry about the misspell
sorry about the srry
I just found a way to eliminate murders. If an acquittal of a charge means the crime was not committed, as many on this page have suggested,then presumably whenever someone on a murder charge is acquitted then there must have been no murder... oh wait - there's something wrong with that logic...
someone acquitted of murder only means that person is innocent
it doesnt mean a murder wasnt committed
a murder acquittal doesnt prove that it was murder either
Actually, it means the presumption of innocence applies - it doesn't mean actual innocence. Well done, you manage to pick up exactly what that person was saying.
So men rape other men and other men ridicule them for it and somehow this is women's fault. Hmmm,
finish your sentences .. and dont assume what i said .. im pretty sure i went a bit further than understanding what you profess someone else said
presumption of innocence applies until proven guilty (finished sentence)
it doesnt actually mean innocence or guilt, same as people who havnt been accused of anything - again until proven otherwise either way
if someone is found guilty of a crime doesnt always mean they are guilty and doesnt even always mean a crime was even committed either by anyone
you could really go round and round forever you know
as far as men or women raping other men and the victims being laughed at .. this is everyones bad .. including women
read again "a murder acquittal doesnt prove that it was murder either"
you did pick up .. but selective for sure .. didnt read the last line .. just "cutnpaste" what you wanted rather than the whole statement
I think we should remove courts and police out of the process of establishing guilt all together.
We should move the parameters of establishing guilt to how many "idioms" are recorded in the press and on gossip websites.
For e.g. If over 10 people say "where there's smoke there's fire" then your a rapist
But .. if any of those 10 people have been drinking .. its just an indecent assault.
For defense purposes, if someone says "your innocent until proven guilty" well that means .. well .. lets just ignore that altogether cause your not innocent OK.
Ends all arguments and takes all the wrong decisions the courts make and puts the power back into the paparazzi's hands .. where it belongs.
To anyone concerned with the woman changing her mind the next day and crying rape and to anyone complaining how it's not fair when women say yes first and then say no, I offer this simple solution:
Stop having sex with women.
You'll never have to deal with any of those concerns again. Easy.
its not fair when men do that either
YEs there is a lack of resources for men who have been raped. There was a time when a group recognised the lack of services and a need to address the needs of those who were raped, they were ridiculed and blamed for their situation, government and police failed to act etc. Then some members of this group started volunteering, organising and campaigning for their needs to be met. Years of public education, lobbying etc meant governments had to act and volunteer services started to receive funding. That is what women and supportive men did. If men want help, of course they should get it. Do what women had to do - throw in the hard work. It has to men because as is clear from this blog - men hate it when women start talking and doing things for them.
My mate once asked the women's officer at uni why there wasn't a men's room and her response was, ' If you want a men's room you should establish one - just like it took women and queer collectives effort to get something. Make your case for it and lobby the University.' Of course, no men's room but no actual effort to create a men's room and somehow this is women's fault. They can't do everything for us guys. *sigh* We've had it too easy for too long.
It is simple guys. Don't assume you have consent - it is idiotic risk taking behaviour to make such assumptions. You know not to hit other guys when they don't say, dont hit me.
its simple girls .. dont assume you have consent
problem solved
Im getting sick of being perved on an ogled by girls as well .. can i whinge to anyone about that as well.
As a man who was raped I find these comments quite disturbing. First of all, if you are a rape victim feminists are your best bet. They understand rape is about power and they understand that you shouldn't blame the victim. They also understand that services for rape victims are woefully underresourced.
Whatever you do, don't tell hetereosexual men - they will spend hours trying blame you for it, just as the people on this board have done.
As for those talking male/female consent. Of course men can be raped, but it's a bit easier to establish consent when you repeatedly insert your erect penis into someone.
Last Anonymous, thanks a lot for sharing that, I'm really glad you commented. All power to you.
Total crap!!!
Feminist's are not your best bet as feminist groups also have an agenda which unfortunately is also perverted by power. This power becomes more important than the people who need help .. sort of like "jobs for the girls".
When you discuss rape being about power, that is true .. which is why so many of these "alleged" rapes are not rapes. Its about a couple of really pissed people hardly remembering what they have been up to and someone accusing the other of rape. Powerful hey.
Its good we have the courts cause in most cases they get it right .. its just a shame that there are so many innocent people walking around with tarnished reputations as rapists when they are not.
Shock horror.
There actually are heaps of resources for male rape victims and the best ones are run by males and females of all sexual persuasions. I highly doubt you are a male rape victim .. maybe a gay lesbian rape victim.
Is just that males don't report.
Last anonymous is full of crap and when you talk about offensive .. your last statement is the most offensive on here.
Wow - some people really can't handle other people having opposing views. So if you are a man and don't have a standardised heterosexual male response you must not only be a woman, but a gay one that has been raped. No wonder guys don't talk to other guys about being raped.
For the record - I was not referring to feminist run services, I was talking about feminist friends compared to my male heterosexual friends.
Yes, it is very offensive when rapists claim they didn't consent and just accidentally repeatedly inserted their erect penis into another person.
Thank you. You've just made my day. I'm a rape crisis worker, and horribly overworked!
Thank you. This article, and the comments that actually take it seriously, have absolutely made my day.
I found this article very confusing and I dont really understand it. Ill have to try and work it out later tho, Im late for footy practice.
I'm not raping a women RIGHT NOW. It's quite easy. Just be next to a bunch of unattarctive, fully consciouss women, and VIOLA! No rape! Especially when there's a fugly asian. What a turn-off.
You left out a rule.
If the girl says she wants to have sex with you, and then initiates contact, don't have sex with her, because she could wake up the next morning and then decide she didn't want to.
wow. i can't even believe some of you are making fun of rape. serioulsy, it's a lot less funny if you replace the words "the girl" or "a woman" with "your sister","your mother", "your daughter", or "your best friend". seriously twisted, folks.
Good point, "Anonymous". But then again, your comment is a lot MORE funny if you replace the word "Anonymous" with the word "clueless" or "semi-literate" or "funny little goblin".
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Perhaps it should be pointed out that good and bad, right and wrong do not exist in nature.
They are purely products of the human mind.
Everyone is free to what they want but may be subject to the law.
Also it should be noted that the law is not a collective agreement by all members of society. It has been entrusted to a select few and given the flexibility to allow for interpretation to deal with the 'grey areas'.
Personal responsibility is actually a matter of choice, not a social requirement.
I, personally, enjoy a good debate of the issues, especially controversial and emotive ones such as this. I feel that it can broaden the mind and sharpen the intellect.
However I do realise that, as I am not involved in the law making process in any way, the whole discussion is merely pissing in the wind.
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Here's a scenario for you. When I was a young teen of 16, I was given alcohol for the first time and left unsupervised. Yes, wonderful parenting I had, but anyway. I drank on an empty stomach, and too much to handle. One minute I was talking to a guy, lost my balance and used his leg to stop myself falling over (he was sitting down). Next minute, I had his tongue down my throat. All I remember is coming in and out of consciousness because I felt the pain of penetration. My mother calling out my name disturbed him and he left me lying there. I got up, straightened my clothing and went to her. The next morning I pretended like nothing ever happened and never spoke of it to anyone because I felt guilty, ashamed and violated. Was that rape? Or did I consent somehow when I was semi-conscious? When you are a "guest" in someone else's body, if your "host" cannot consent vocally with enthusiasm (it's not consent if she's afraid to say no) and you go ahead anyway, you are a rapist.
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