ARIES: You are feeling uncertain and nervous about a major decision you have to make soon. It is time to relax: you are actually hallucinating about this major decision; it doesn't exist. In fact you've been locked in the same room for the last eighteen years. Chill out.
TAURUS: Your impetuous nature often gets you into trouble, and this week will be no exception, as you will find yourself killing between six and eight innocent people. You should probably organise an escape route now.
GEMINI: It's appropriate that you sign is "the twins". This week you will mostly have people stare at your breasts a lot.
CANCER: You are an enormous failure. If the phone rings, don't answer it. It's your mother calling to tell you she hates you.
LEO: You've forgotten where you parked your car. It's on the blue level, row 8. Also, one of your close friends is poisoning you. Can't tell you which one.
VIRGO: Everyone goes through moments of self-doubt in their lives, times when they're not sure if they're doing the right thing or if everything will work out. Except you. You carry yourself with invincible self-confidence, which is odd, because you suck.
LIBRA: This week you will be eaten by a whale.
SCORPIO: Financial matters are on your mind. So much so you probably haven't even noticed the spider laying eggs under your skin.
SAGITTARIUS: You will meet the love of your life very soon, but will waste the opportunity because he will look at you on the bus and you'll think he looks like a rapist so you'll get off at the next stop and walk two hours to get home. He'll probably kill himself from the disappointment, but whatever, you know, as long as you feel good about your unresolved trust issues, right?
CAPRICORN: This will be a week of big sandwiches for you. On Wednesday you will eat an egg and bacon one that will literally cause you to ejaculate in a crowded food court.
AQUARIUS: Maybe you should try a career in the music industry? Acrobatics isn't working out for you.
PISCES: You have toilet paper on your shoe.