Diary of an ABC Producer

(Note: This was originally published on Junkee: I'm putting it up here after Junkee saw fit to remove it from their site)

25^th June, 2015

9am: Arrive at work. All staff gather in onsite mosque for daily Pledge of Allegiance. Reaffirming our commitment to the Prophet always energises one for the day ahead.

9.15am: Go through emails. Several from concerned Australians asking polite and reasonable questions about ensuring their tax dollars are spent efficiently and wisely. Forward these to all staff with obscene commentary. Look up senders’ personal details and pass on to ABC’s Punishment Division. Also one email from Malcolm Turnbull. Photoshop his head onto nude model, send to all staff.

10am: Pray to Allah for the strength to smite the infidels no matter where I may find them and no matter how much they might want to keep Australians safe.

10.30am: Bump into Tony Jones in corridor. Have a good laugh about the last meeting of our cell. Help him carry some bags of fertiliser to his car.

11am: Pray to Allah for the strength to not let Gerard Henderson have his own show.

11.30am: We have received a memo from managing director Mark Scott, reads as follows:

As-salamu alaykum,

All ABC staff are reminded that tomorrow morning is the Weakening Borders Workshop in the larger tearoom. Attendance is voluntary, but attending is likely to enhance all employees’ ability to translate their broadcasting skills into real results in making the borders of our country more porous.

It has also come to my attention that some employees have been coming to work without their flags. Please be notified that it is a condition of employment with the national broadcaster that while on the premises we all wear ISIS flags, or ISIS-branded caps or bandannas, as a measure of solidarity and our commitment to the principle of public broadcasting.

Finally, congratulations to all involved with this week’s episode of Q&A, which brought us closer than ever to our target of 50 percent of safe seats being occupied by jihadists by 2021. Well done everyone.

Wa’l-salaam,

Mark Scott, Managing Director

12pm: Pray to Allah for the strength to write unfair questions for Leigh Sales to ask Joe Hockey.

12.30pm: Production meeting for Lateline. Brainstorm ways in which we can more creatively obscure good news about the government’s agenda for repairing the budget.

1.15pm: Long phone call with Bill Shorten. He pitches new proposal for inserting subliminal socialist propaganda into Giggle and Hoot. I’m excited about the idea, tell him I’ll lobby hard for its inclusion. The same technique worked well on Play School – 60 percent of Play School viewers now become lesbians. Bill tells me he has new orders from Damascus – the imams wish us to repeat Please Like Me more often to sap the country’s moral fibre. We agreed to meet early next week to discuss plans for new Chaser series Pissing On Anzac Graves, as devised at last ALP Conference.

2pm: Pray to Allah for the strength to promote unnatural lifestyles to young people.

2.30pm: An awkward meeting. I had Wil Anderson come in to go over the outline for episode one of our new reality show Jihad Idol. We were pondering whether the beheading skills segment would work better with mannequins or watermelons, but we kept getting interrupted by the noise from next door. Grand Mufti Scott was in the next office tearing strips off Jon Faine – apparently Jon conducted an entire interview with Julie Bishop this morning without mentioning her internalised misogyny. Rookie mistake – it’s not like Jon doesn’t know the ABC Charter.

3pm: Rehearsals with Zaky Mallah for his upcoming guest stint hosting The Weekly. He’s a natural on camera, but a little concerned that his approach is a little too low-key. Advised him to watch some tapes of Charlie Pickering to learn how to really sell the idea of global caliphate with conviction.

4pm: Pray to Allah for the strength to wear sandals at all times.

4.15pm: Finish editing fake Scott Morrison sex tape.

4.30pm: Call ISIS headquarters to find out how many operatives entered the country as a direct result of this week’s Four Corners. Eight hundred! A good week! I ask if they need me to find them all jobs, but they’ve already started work at Crikey.

5pm: Pack up, although the day’s not over yet. When I get home will be doing prep for tomorrow’s first script meeting for new sitcom, At Home With Tony. Production team still unsure whether it should be kittens or bunnies whose necks Tony breaks in opening scene. Planning to suggest a compromise of ducklings. Also have to nut out question of whether Tony should wear Speedos in every scene, or alternate with SS uniform. I’m excited about the project – it looks like a winner, Insha’Allah.

10.30pm: Bed. Thank Allah for another day being on the Right Side.