Thursday, May 19, 2011

People Get Ready...

Hi! Have you heard about The RAPTURE? It's coming tomorrow, May 21st, and it's just about the most exciting thing to happen to the world of People and Things since the premiere of the film Annie.

Basically what will happen is all the good people in the world will get sucked up to Heaven, a lot like what happens when you run a vacuum cleaner over a peanut shell. But imagine your vacuum cleaner's bag is heaven, and the peanut shell is a good Christian. Like maybe Fred Nile or TV's Patricia Heaton.

However, the bad people are like those little bits of sticky stuff that you don't really know what they are but you can't get them off the carpet unless you bend down and use your nails for, like, AGES. But God has no time to use His nails, he is a busy man with many tsunamis to calibrate, so he uses his vacuum cleaner, and all the people who are not good Christians will get left on earth and be ruled over by the Anti-Christ, AKA "Stevie".

So it's going to be fun for everyone really: for good Christians, eternity in Heaven, where anal sex is permissible as long as it's with an angel, and friendly ghosts are everywhere. For non-Christians, slavery and volcanoes, which has its drawbacks, but on the upside anal sex will be OK down here as well.

However, the Rapture itself may be a little bit harrowing, what with the thunder and heavenly light and people going zooming up into the air just as they were handing you your chicken royale. It's going to be a lot like sniffing glue, only better and more frightening. Like sniffing REALLY GOOD glue. And that's why you need:


1. Wear warm, loose-fitting clothing. The Rapture is likely to be fairly chilly because of the low pressure system and Santa Claus, so it's important to wrap up warm so you don't get chilblains. Also your clothes should be loose-fitting so you don't get deep vein thrombosis, because anyone with deep vein thrombosis gets left behind.

2. Keep your head between your knees. When the Rapture comes, it will produce a real jolt, and you could get whiplash if you are not in the brace position. You will not enjoy Heaven if your neck hurts. You won't enjoy earth either. I mean you won't enjoy earth either because there'll be an earthquake and you'll get raped by vultures, but the neck thing will just be salt in the wound.

3. Eat lots of leafy green vegetables. This will be good for digestion and help you lose weight. Anyone with a BMI of over 25 gets left behind, so it's important to eat right and exercise. Now, the Rpature is tomorrow, so you may have left it a little bit late, but leafy vegetables are still great for improving your general sense of wellbeing, and also you will be supporting our local farmers, which would be nice, given they will be left behind because farmers are hated by God.

4. Dance like nobody's watching. This will give everyone a good laugh.

5. Get your financial affairs in order. I'm not really sure what this means, but it seems like good advice. I guess it means, like, paying your phone bill? And take all your money out of your account so you have it to hand, and that way you won't get taken by surprise by the direct debits you forgot you had. The Rapture only takes payment by direct debit, which is annoying, but what can you do?

6. Humanely slaughter your pets. They will miss you when you're gone, and they will suffer under Stevie's iron fist, so best put them out of their misery now. A good thing to do beforehand is scream abuse at them, and maybe torture them a bit, with needles or pliers or something. That way when the end comes they will view it as a relief, and won't be scared.

7. Build an enormous wooden statue in your backyard. This statue can be of anyone you like, but it's important that it be very large, and that you set it on fire at sundown. This way, if you don't get taken up by the Rapture, you're in with a chance of randomly attracting the attention of another god who might take you instead. Covering all bases etc.

8. Have your hymen surgically reconstructed. It's worth a shot. God doesn't look into these things too closely. So to speak. If you are a man and are uncomfortable with the idea of having an artifical hymen fitted, dress as a priest.

9. Get a haircut. This isn't necessary, strictly speaking, but let's be honest you look a complete shambles. Do you want to look like a scarecrow when the Rapture comes? Even if it doesn't, get a haircut, you will NEVER EVER find happiness looking like that. Seriously, I tell you this for your own good, smarten yourself up, Shaggy. To be honest, it MIGHT be necessary, if Jesus has any taste.

10. Stop being such a dick.


Kitty said...

I'm glad to see nobody's forgotten anal sex in these exciting times. It could easily be neglected.

Mr. Eyesore said...

Point no. 6 has been taken care of.

Mr. Eyesore said...

No a href? Bfft.

Mac Yourselfathome said...

I had a pet once. It was a fish. But then we moved to Melbourne and I had to leave the fish with my mother-in law. That's not quite the same thing but now I don't even have a haircut.

Unknown said...

Ah - well that's it. I'm getting left behind then.

Had DVT, now I CAN'T eat too many leafy green vegetables because of that ....Don't have a dog anymore (he died already) although I did have a haircut last week ..

Actually by the sounds of things, I don't really want to get RAPT anyway!

Talk to you Sunday!

Colin Campbell said...

Did you follow through on those steps before you were taken? Any regrets? Would you do it differently next time?

paul.robert.mcelwee said...

Did I miss something?

Anonymous said...

Point no. 6 gives me the sudden desire to punch you in the face.