Just Asking

OK, so you know those people who are all like, "Wow, Prince William is nice, isn't he? We can't have a republic, we love Prince William too much, cos he's GREAT!"?

And you know those other people, who are sometimes the same people, who are all like, "Hey, we can't have a republic, because our system of government works so well and if we didn't have a hereditary foreign monarch performing a purely ceremonial role on the other side of the world, it would all collapse because look at like Cuba and the Congo and stuff, they're republics and they're awful so if we didn't have the Queen we'd be like that!"?

You know all those people?

I just had a question about them:

Are they, like, retarded?

I mean, have they suffered massive head trauma at some point? Did their mothers drink a lot during pregnancy? Is it a genetic thing? Were they dropped as babies? Did they fall in a pool and lose consciousness for five minutes?

Are these people walking around wearing helments and knee pads? Do they go to special schools and work in sheltered workshops? Are they on government pensions due to their inability to make a living in normal society?

If you see these people in public, are they always walking into shopfront windows, thinking there's nothing there? Do they stare into mirrors for hours on end, trying to make friends with the nice person inside? Do they burst into tears on trains because they can't figure out how to open a broadsheet newspaper?

Do they squint in confusion at the Quick Crossword? Do they complain about the menus at McDonald's being too confusing? Do they quote the Herald Sun letters page at dinner parties?

Do they sit backwards on horses? Do they get stuck in revolving doors? Do they take half an hour to buy a train ticket from a machine? Do they get migraines from trying to follow the plot of Adam Sandler movies?

Do they watch Adam Sandler movies?

Are they, like, absolute irretrievable fucking morons?

Is there any other conclusion to come to?