SCORPIO: For many years you have worried that your past sins will catch up to you and shatter your peaceful existence. This week it finally happens and is surprisingly uneventful.
AQUARIUS: The birth of your first child brings much joy to your life this week especially as you've yet to find out your actual child was swapped with the child of a demon.
ARIES: You'll fall off a horse a LOT. I'm not going to lie to you: you won't enjoy it.
SAGITTARIUS: Spiritual matters dominate for you, a major frustration given everyone around you is obsessed by marbles. Some days it seems as if things are never going to get any better, while other days it seems as if things are never going to get any better. It's that kind of repetition that makes your life unbearable. Early on Monday morning you will think you've seen Jesus, but actually it's a chicken. Life is full of disappointments. Ask your mum.
TAURUS: Nobody likes you, which you've learnt to come to terms with, but it really seems like you're cursed this week, when a sheep falls off a truck and crushes your spine.
CAPRICORN: Everything tastes sort of crunchy this week. You don't realise until pretty late that it's that one of your teeth has fallen out and has been rolling loose in your mouth for days. I knew you were dumb but this is something else.
GEMINI: A serious boating accident leaves you questioning everything you thought you knew. You find solace in the arms of another Gemini who also suffered a serious boating accident. Later your dog dies but you won't find its body until next year in particularly gruesome circumstances.
LIBRA: Why not settle in with a good book? There is nothing for you out there anymore. Trust me.
VIRGO: A biography of Oliver Cromwell assumes peculiar significance this week, thanks to a chance encounter with a woman who claims to be the grandmother of former AFL umpire Peter Carey. A nasty rash brings new career opportunities, which you squander due to your alcoholism. Later in the week you finally admit to yourself that you are an alcoholic. This is why you imagined all the stuff in this paragraph.
PISCES: A headbutt from a Senator makes your wedding anniversary special, but not in the way you'd hoped. Your impotence continues.
LEO: A lot of people say they don't care what other people think, but you genuinely mean it. Hence your lonely death, unmourned by even your immediate family. A terrible waste of a life. Yet all self-inflicted. It's sad, but also disgusting. Also you'll have a bit of luck at bingo.