Hey there readers! Are you feeling loved up? Or are you wondering whether you're as spicy a fajita as you always thought you are?
Thank goodness there's an easily accessible Web 2.0 solution for anyone looking to ascertain whether they're an Enrique Iglesias or an Olive from On The Buses. And that solution is right below, in the form of my scientifically formulate SEX QUIZ for Lovers and Swingers. Just answer these simple multiple choice questions, and you'll quickly know whether you're HOT, or just sweaty.
1. On average, I have sex:
a) Once a week
b) Eight times a week
c) Less than three times a decade
d) Every few minutes
2. I believe the secret to great sex is:
a) A strong emotional connection
b) A powerful erotic odour emanating from the armpits
c) A willingness to experiment with borderline racist roleplaying
d) A stuffed marlin
3. I lost my virginity:
a) Before I was 18
b) After I was 40
c) In a refrigerated truck
d) To a Blakeney twin
4. The sexiest animal is:
a) The tiger
b) The wolf
c) The mosquito
d) The sea cucumber
5. Foreplay is:
a) Absolutely crucial
b) A complete waste of time
c) A kind of fish
d) An offence against God
6. How long should a penis be?
a) More than fifteen metres
b) Less than half an inch
c) Two and a half hours
d) It depends what kind of wood you're making it from
7. What is the most erotic dream you've ever had?
a) The one about Graham Kennedy and the ride-on mower
b) I'm being chased by angry ballerinas but their knees have faces
c) Will.i.am hiding under my bed softly reading Dr Seuss while I'm trying to sleep
d) The one where I find out my gynaecologist is an elk
8. How long does it usually take you to have an orgasm?
a) Less than a second
b) More than a second
c) At least until my sixteenth birthday
d) Between one and three Pirates of the Caribbean movies
9. What part should pornography play in a healthy relationship?
a) It should be banned
b) It can really bring people closer together and also you can have a wank
c) It can be useful, but better as a supplementary source of income rather than a full-time job
d) Ideally it should overwhelm every aspect of your life until you know nothing else
10. How many times have you had sex while doing this quiz?
d) The sea cucumber
HOW TO INTERPRET YOUR RESULTS:
Mostly As: You are a sexually normal, healthy person, but you smell a bit and need to shower more.
Mostly Bs: You are probably gay, but refuse to admit it, even to yourself, but your wife suspects, because when you talk in your sleep you keep mentioning someone called "Declan", and it's tearing your marriage apart, but neither of you are willing to discuss it. It's pathetic.
Mostly Cs: You are a wanted fugitive. You mostly only have sex with wild grasses.
Mostly Ds: Your relationship is passionate and loving, but prone to outbursts of irrational rage and inexplicable itches at inconvenient times. You and your partner are both happy to experiment and be open about your fantasies and fetishes, but it will turn out shortly that your partner is imaginary. Sorry.