As you probably know because you don't suck, I am an active member of the Twitter community, where I offer political views, gentle, homespun humour, and loyal friendship to people who say nice things about me if they are good-looking. I find Twitter the most ideal medium yet devised for getting into fights, inserting the word "penis" into incongruous phrases, and telling other people how much better you are than them.
As a Twitterite in good standing, I am pleased that soon a momentous event will occur: MY ONE HUNDRED THOUSANDTH TWEET. At time of blogging I am on 99,802, and I am so close I can literally taste it. It tastes like copper. Is that good?
Anyway, a massive online milestone deserves a massive online celebration, just like the ones I had for my 18th and 21st birthdays, but not for my 30th because that was actually pretty lame. Also, not much like the ones I had for my 18th and 21st birthdays because those were actual parties with food and drink and this really isn't.
The hashtag is #Pobjie100000. The lead-up to the great moment is a fantastic opportunity to reminisce about the highlights of my time on Twitter. Such as:
- the time someone called me sexist
- the time someone called me racist
- the time Martha Plimpton tweeted to me to cheer me up
- that joke I made about Christopher Pyne
When the actual 100,000th tweet arrives of course, there are many ways you could celebrate, including:
1. tweeting "congratulations Ben! I am madly in love with you hope that's cool #justsayin"
2. tweeting "#Pobjie100000 is the best thing to ever have happened, how does Ben manage to be so great?"
3. Running into the street and firing your gun into the air.
4. Sidling behind a customer service counter at Myer and quietly touching yourself.
5. Writing to the ABC demanding I be put on the Q&A panel or you will take drastic action.
6. Eating three litres of ice-cream in half an hour.
7. Dancing wildly naked beneath the autumn moon in front of a video camera.
8. Sending me money in large amounts.
9. Naming your child/pet/speedboat after me.
10. Using your position as a television producer to get my TV show greenlit.
11. Using your position as a publisher to get my book published.
12. Using your position as prime minister to get my enemies murdered.
13. Giving me a great big squishy hug.
14. Running madly through the town screaming, "IT'S HERE IT'S HERE OUR SALVATION IS AT HAND!"
15. Having a drink and a pizza and watching Monty Python DVDs.
Whatever you choose, it will be quite a party.