Tuesday, June 17, 2014


If there is one social commentator who I always make sure to accidentally click on links to because I don't realise what they are, it is Tim Blair, a man whose blog brings a whole new meaning to the word "huh?"

Say what you like about him - for example, "he is desperately striving to retain the illusion of relevance", or "how has a man built an entire career on his unfulfilled desire to be chastised with a riding crop by Annabel Crabb?" or "it's not so much a blog as an open-mic night for the developmentally-delayed" - but you can't deny that Tim is never one to shy away from controversy, never one to indulge in political correctness, never one to ice the cupcake of his opinion with the butter cream of conciliation, and today was no exception, as the nation's foremost citizen journalist set to the task of determining, sound statistical means, the answer to one of Australia's most intriguing public policy questions: out of all those chicks who get on Tim Blair's wick, which one is the most mentally ill?

You might think this is a trivial matter, but to many of us, knowing which left-wing feminist is the biggest nutcase could have a major impact on our lives: when most of your life is devoted to squatting in a corner of your bathroom gnawing on Saos and muttering about people trying to steal your thoughts, it makes a huge difference being able to focus your muttering on one particular target. The time savings alone are enormous.

But let us not be complacent: the fact Tim Blair has hit upon the solution to the problem of which frightbat is the craziest frightbat, a question that has plagued mankind ever since the first man looked to the stars and wondered what the hell a "frightbat" is, does not mean there are not other, equally important questions we need the answers to. So let us now decide those answers using the tried-and-true Blair method. Please leave your answers in the comments.

QUESTION 1: Who is Australia's foremost right-wing columnist?

a) Tim Blair
b) Andrew Bolt
c) Piers Akerman
d) Miranda Devine
e) This small bowl of custard

QUESTION 2: What is a woman?

a) One of the larger species of Atlantic deep-sea fish
b) A series of irregular lumps occasionally flashing into my line of sight
c) Underpants
d) The point at which apple juice boils
e) This small bowl of custard

QUESTION 3: What did women do to Tim Blair?

a) Made fun of his smell that day he had to walk all the way to school
b) Snapped his bra strap
c) Called him "Jellytits"
d) Called him "Grima Spermtongue"
e) Stole his Chantoozies cassingle right out of his bag

QUESTION 4: At what age did Tim Blair's mother prematurely stop breastfeeding him?

a) eighteen
b) eighteen and a half
c) ten
d) thirty-six
e) four hours

QUESTION 5: Why are da ladeez so crazee?

a) Their wombs
b) We taught them to read
c) Cos they need a real man
d) They have had too many abortions
e) I have seen them dancing naked in the woods

QUESTION 6: What can be done about girls?

a) Imprisonment
b) Branding
c) The Bible
d) Make them cook dinner
e) A good shave

QUESTION 7: How can I become a famous journalist?

a) Start a blog with funny polls on
b) Wander around public parks in the nude, hitting yourself in the face with a dead possum and screaming "Natasha Stott Despoja stole my fluids!"
c) Masturbate into a cup and mail it to the Australian
d) Get incredibly angry about speed limits
e) Drop some acid and become convinced that David Marr is hiding in your oven

QUESTION 8: What, exactly, is a "frightbat"?

a) A bat which has had a fright
b) A Gray-Nicolls Geoff Marsh Signature Power-Scoop
c) A clitoris with a machine gun
d) A terrifying faceless man, enormously tall and with eerie spindly limbs, who appears in terrifying visions on the inside of Tim Blair's eyelids
e) This small bowl of custard

QUESTION 9: What is the most pressing problem assailing modern society?

a) Misandry
b) Man-hating
c) Males being oppressed
d) Emotional castration
e) Bitches

QUESTION 10: What is the first symptom of hysteria?

a) Being mean to a dude
b) Wearing trousers
c) Appearing on Q&A
d) Voting
e) Working for News Limited


Roz Vecsey said...

I think I love you.

Ernie Mac said...

A clitoris with a machine gun?! That's a whole lot of bang for your buck.

Under the Water Tower said...

'well said, sending this one straight onto Jane Caro. I was as intrigued as she was about the existence of Jim Blair. I suppose we have to thank him for putting up this tripe, because at least now we are aware of another shock jock to look out for.

Under the Water Tower said...

Well said, sending this one straight onto Jane Caro. I was as intrigued as she was about the existence of Jim Blair. I suppose we have to thank him for putting up this tripe, because at least now we are aware of another shock jock to look out for.

seymourglass said...

This is brilliant, thank you for the belly laugh!

Anonymous said...

The Best and Biggest Smile so far today.. Kudos

Anonymous said...

Love it, but what have you got against that small bowl of custard?

Anonymous said...

You'll get girlish hips by eating all that custard. Now let's see those man boobs.

Anonymous said...

Ha google is my friend. You sir are an undiscovered Manzier model - that filthy lucre must be more than what you get from stand up. Thanks for the giggles custard boy :)

Bradford Oakes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bradford Oakes said...

To me you are really without peer when it comes to this perfect kind of writing. I hope, pray and maybe secretly wish that I never run a foul of your perfectly pointed pen!

BC said...

1 is a trick question. Tim Blair, a small bowl of custard, is listed twice.
2 a
3 e
4 The answer is e, but the question is misleading. It wasn’t ‘premature’
5 b
6 a, d
7 b
8 c. More specifically, the machine gun is the trusty AK-47, used by insurgents everywhere.
9 d, c
10 e

If I win, can I get the prize small bowl of custard?

claire said...

I just wanted someone to be aware that more than 26,000 people and/or spambots have responded to that survey and i'm really not OK with that

Thanks for listening cheers bye

claire said...

p. s. i heart ben pobjie and everything he writes, is that too fangirl? don't really care jsyk

keep writing mr pobjie, thank you, you're pretty great

Spike said...

Man I LOVE custard

Anonymous said...

The whole quote is:
"it is not about you, it is about God."
Rev Dr Rick Warren.

Doug Quixote said...

Most amusing, Ben.

If you don't mind, I'll put a link in a comment on Bob Ellis' blog.

I think the bowl of custard is underrated. :)