Wednesday, December 12, 2012


Look,  there are a lot of problems in the world, and I recognise that some of them are pretty big, but are any of the world's problems really as big as the problem of annoying details in movies? Really?


See, that second "REALLY" got you, didn't it? You were all ready to rebut me until I cracked open a can of all caps on you mothers.

Anyway I was watching a movie, and I noticed some stuff that bugged me, and I thought it worthwhile to document the bits in movies that are really annoying.

This is not a list of BAD movies - it's a list of GOOD movies, or at least enjoyable movies, that have little bits that grate on you and make the good movie less good than it should be. I'm sure you have your own - let me know.


- At one point, sexy long-haired rebel John Bender says to wealthy prom queen Claire "Bein' bad feels pretty good, doesn't it?" This is a problem, because not only would John Bender not say this, nobody on earth would say it. It's an irredeemably stupid thing to say. To say this sentence you would have to be lame beyond all reckoning. And Bender IS NOT LAME. Apart from this line, he's not, really he's not. So we're watching a badass rebel, and then we're watching a 50s greaser in a Roger Corman film about motorcycling nogoodniks, and then it's a badass rebel again for the rest of the movie. BUT we can't erase the memory. When someone says "Bein' bad feels pretty good" it CANNOT BE UNSAID.

- Also, Ally Sheedy is totally hot, but then Molly Ringwald gives her a makeover and makes her totally not hot, and for some reason Emilio Estevez is all like "whoa you're hot!" even though she looks like a four-year-old halfway through getting ready for Sunday School. It is a major plothole that this character does not find Ally Sheedy hot when she actually IS hot, but only finds her hot after the world's worst makeover, which causes her to become attractive only to men who like humping Rainbow Brite dolls. It's a lot like The Truth About Cats and Dogs, where they based the whole movie around the premise that Janeane Garofalo is ugly, which is like basing a movie around the premise that the Incredible Hulk is an English professor.


- I didn't see The Goonies until last year, so maybe I'd feel differently if I were a wide-eyed child, but even though there were lots of wacky fun times in this movie, there is also a lot of children shouting incoherently at each other. Basically, every page of the script must have read, "The Goonies all shout their lines at once". Couldn't ONE person, just ONCE, say, "Hey, how about we all take it in turns to speak?"

- They're called the Goonies and really that seems a bit weird.


- I really think that John Candy shouldn't have tried to comfort Catherine O'Hara. He'd have been pretty well within his rights to call her a monster and make her sit well away from the polka band. Because I mean, she is a terrible mother. A very very terrible mother. What's most annoying is that when the sequel came around, she and her husband had not been jailed or had their children removed, even though clearly they are incapable of caring for minors, because they lose their kid AGAIN. Which brings me to...


- In Home Alone, Kevin is a scared little boy who's left home alone and doesn't know what to do, and finds the courage to stick it to the evil burglars. In Home Alone 2 he is a sadistic sociopath who finds himself alone once again, but instead of trying to contact his family, lies to hotel staff, steals from his father to fund his lavish lifestyle, and then embarks on a campaign of completely unnecessary ultra-violence against the burglars from the first film, just because he enjoys hurting them. When he learns of their plan, the simplest thing would've been to go to the police, but Kevin doesn't do this, because he gets off on inflicting life-threatening injuries. The only proper response to the events of the first two Home Alone films is to imprison the parents and put Kevin into intensive psychiatric care.


- Charlie DID steal Fizzy Lifting Drink! He DID disobey Wonka's explicit instructions! HE IS JUST AS BAD AS THE OTHER KIDS! Actually he's worse, because he's just a flat-out thief. Mike Teevee is punished just for being curious about science, but Charlie wins the jackpot after STEALING FROM WILLY WONKA AND RISKING SEVERE DAMAGE TO PLANT AND EQUIPMENT!

- Grandpa Joe is bed-ridden for twenty years and "miraculously" can walk, when he finds out he gets to go to a chocolate factory? How does Mrs Bucket not punch him in the mouth here?

- Why does Charlie ask Joe anyway? How about your mother who works late into the night providing for you at the clothes-stirring factory? You ungrateful little prick.


- Peter Parker's Uncle Ben gives him a lengthy speech on the theme "With great power comes great responsibility", berating him for the awful sin of DEFENDING HIMSELF. A guy tries to beat the shit out of his nephew, and all Ben can do is scold the kid for not just standing there and letting himself be hospitalised. Peter's not even allowed to defend himself from bullies? You'd rather he'd get bashed than have him teach a bully a lesson? Jesus Christ Uncle Ben, you're such a bastard.

- When the Green Goblin asks Spider-Man "Are you in, or are you out?" Spider-Man responds, "You're the one who's out - out of your MIND!" This is one of the worst things to happen in Western civilisation. I can only assume everyone involved in making this movie had enormous tumours pressing on vital parts of their brains, causing them to allow this line to stay in the movie. The fact that Tobey Maguire said this line without vomiting blood does not speak well of him.


- Why do people go to this place for their holidays when it is clearly the most boring place on earth? Jerry Orbach is smart enough to get a medical degree but not smart enough to see what a shithole his family is staying at?

- Isn't Patrick Swayze a statutory rapist? Didn't they have police in 1962?

- When all the resort staff are singing that song at the end, why isn't anyone in the audience killing themselves?

- Shouldn't people have been a bit more weirded out by the bizarre music that plays during the final dance? Aren't they startled by the fact they're listening to instruments that haven't been invented yet?

- Why doesn't Baby ever tell Patrick Swayze to stop being such a whiny little bitch?

- Why does hardly anything happen in this movie?

Below: Jennifer Grey with her "co-star", a watermelon that stood in for the character of "Johnny Castle", who was added via CGI in post-production


TimT said...

You're right. That "REALLY" really got me. Or did that "REALLY" really 'really' get me? I'm not really sure about that "REALLY" really, in fact I'm not 'really' really sure about any 'really' really, much less the really real reality of the really "REALLY". Am I really really real really? I don't really know.

What? Oh, the movies...

I am massively out of touch. I don't think I've watched one of them.

Bert Maverick said...

Ally Sheedy post-Breakfast Club makeover was the inspiration for Nicki Minaj.

Anonymous said...

I always always always hated that makeover! I stayed awake at night wondering if i was just a wee bit too young and didn't appreciate it like a horny teenage boy.

It was perplexing, because the hot teenage girls i looked up to then were a combo of original Ally Sheedy and Molly Ringwald with a bit more hairspray and fluro tossed in.

I thought 'is this what boys like? HOW can that be?!!'

I'm glad you've sorted this lifelong problem out for me. Now i can finally sleep