I'm not sure I quite understand the complaints about stay-at-home mothers not getting maternity leave. To take "leave", I believe you actually have to have a job to take leave from. I think maternity leave is meant to be a payment to tide a new mother over while she's not working. I THINK so. I'm pretty sure that if you don't go to work before you have a baby, continuing not to go to work is not actually "taking leave". But some are complaining that stay-at-home mums are not going to get any maternity leave from the jobs they don't have.
It seems a bit like complaining that you're being discriminated against by being denied workers' compensation payments from a company you don't work for as a result of an injury suffered on a snorkelling holiday.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Are You Interested In Climate Change?
If so, why? It's boring as hell. In fact, until NOW, nobody had ever said anything interesting about climate change ever! So go read for a thrilling experience.
I do acknowledge a debt of gratitude to Kevin Rudd and his emissions trading scheme for allowing my dreams to take wing.
I do acknowledge a debt of gratitude to Kevin Rudd and his emissions trading scheme for allowing my dreams to take wing.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
To Conservative Columnists Everywhere
I mean you, Robyn Riley, Paul Sheehan and Andrew Bolt, among others:
Please stop whining like little bitches about how mean Perez Hilton was to Miss California. He was not in any way denying her right to free speech. This is what free speech is:
Free speech is when you have the right to say any bubbleheaded, fundamentalist Christian idiocy that pops into your spacious little skull, and when you do, anyone else has the right to call you the homophobic retard you are.
That's free speech. Giving your opinion of someone else's opinion isn't anti-free speech, it's the very definition of free speech. Get over it.
Oh, and also, the bimbo posed topless. It was against the rules. Nobody made that up to bring her down; the pictures are on the internet. Get over that too.
Oh, and also: I KNOW Perez Hilton is an insufferable dick. That doesn't mean he's not right about this little twit.
Please stop whining like little bitches about how mean Perez Hilton was to Miss California. He was not in any way denying her right to free speech. This is what free speech is:
Free speech is when you have the right to say any bubbleheaded, fundamentalist Christian idiocy that pops into your spacious little skull, and when you do, anyone else has the right to call you the homophobic retard you are.
That's free speech. Giving your opinion of someone else's opinion isn't anti-free speech, it's the very definition of free speech. Get over it.
Oh, and also, the bimbo posed topless. It was against the rules. Nobody made that up to bring her down; the pictures are on the internet. Get over that too.
Oh, and also: I KNOW Perez Hilton is an insufferable dick. That doesn't mean he's not right about this little twit.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Musing...
The thing about the issue raised in the last post is...
Andrew Bolt rails against the tragedy of allowing this poor girl to change her sex, on the basis that she was not born a "boy in a girl's body", but was somehow "twisted" into this state of mind by the abusive behaviour of parents.
And this line seems to assume that if someone is not born into a certain state, that state is not actually genuine.
Let us suppose that Bolt is right (God forbid), and that yes, "Alex" was not born with gender dysphoria, but instead developed the condition later in life. Does that mean her condition is not genuine? If she was not born this way, does that make it any easier for her to keep living as a girl? Does it make her need to be a boy any less urgent? Does a desire lose its legitimacy because it arose in the world and not in the womb?
The whole nature versus nurture debate is inherently flawed. Take the issue of homosexuality. Sure, if you can convince a fundamentalist that gays are born, not made, you might get them to stop trying to convert them back, but in reality it doesn't matter. If a gay person isn't born gay, but becomes gay as a child, as a teenager, as an adult, it doesn't make it wrong to be gay. If scientific evidence came to light tomorrow, proving beyond doubt that homosexuality is definitely a matter of upbringing or environment, it wouldn't change one bit the acceptability of homosexuality, or the importance of gay rights. It wouldn't make homophobes right.
So sure Andy, maybe "Alex" was made into who she is, not born that way. But that doesn't make her any less miserable now, and it doesn't make her any less entitled to try to be happy.
Andrew Bolt rails against the tragedy of allowing this poor girl to change her sex, on the basis that she was not born a "boy in a girl's body", but was somehow "twisted" into this state of mind by the abusive behaviour of parents.
And this line seems to assume that if someone is not born into a certain state, that state is not actually genuine.
Let us suppose that Bolt is right (God forbid), and that yes, "Alex" was not born with gender dysphoria, but instead developed the condition later in life. Does that mean her condition is not genuine? If she was not born this way, does that make it any easier for her to keep living as a girl? Does it make her need to be a boy any less urgent? Does a desire lose its legitimacy because it arose in the world and not in the womb?
The whole nature versus nurture debate is inherently flawed. Take the issue of homosexuality. Sure, if you can convince a fundamentalist that gays are born, not made, you might get them to stop trying to convert them back, but in reality it doesn't matter. If a gay person isn't born gay, but becomes gay as a child, as a teenager, as an adult, it doesn't make it wrong to be gay. If scientific evidence came to light tomorrow, proving beyond doubt that homosexuality is definitely a matter of upbringing or environment, it wouldn't change one bit the acceptability of homosexuality, or the importance of gay rights. It wouldn't make homophobes right.
So sure Andy, maybe "Alex" was made into who she is, not born that way. But that doesn't make her any less miserable now, and it doesn't make her any less entitled to try to be happy.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Is there anything the man can't do?
Andrew Bolt this week writes about the case of "Alex", a 17-year-old girl who wants to be a boy, and who was given permission by Chief Justice Diana Bryant to undergo a double mastectomy to allow her to do so.
Bolt says:
"I have not spoken to Alex. Bryant has. I am not a psychiatrist. Bryant, I presume, has consulted those who are."
And yet, it is a measure of the man's perspicacity, wordly knowledge and polymathic expertise that despite this, he knows the decision is wrong, why it's wrong, and what everyone should have done instead.
Bravo, Andrew, your mighty brain leaves us stuttering in awe
Bolt says:
"I have not spoken to Alex. Bryant has. I am not a psychiatrist. Bryant, I presume, has consulted those who are."
And yet, it is a measure of the man's perspicacity, wordly knowledge and polymathic expertise that despite this, he knows the decision is wrong, why it's wrong, and what everyone should have done instead.
Bravo, Andrew, your mighty brain leaves us stuttering in awe
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Live!
Short notice, but you can catch me on "Lime Champions" on Triple R tonight, around 7:40pm. That's 102.7 FM, or http://www.rrr.org.au/ to listen.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
The Definition Of Irony?
It might be Andrew Bolt, a columnist for the HERALD SUN, writing a column complaining about the whipping up of unnecessary panic.
It's like Kyle Sandilands complaining about declining standards in entertainment.
It's like Kyle Sandilands complaining about declining standards in entertainment.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
A Wise Man Once Said...
"Boat people scare easily, but they'll be back - and in greater numbers."
The Rudd government's failure to sustain the Obi Wan theory of border protection has cost us dearly - as I explain in my latest piece on newmatilda.
The Rudd government's failure to sustain the Obi Wan theory of border protection has cost us dearly - as I explain in my latest piece on newmatilda.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Andrew Bolt: Traitor?
Andrew Bolt demonstrates his loyalty to a foreign power.
Mick Keelty, get your surveillance team onto this man straight away. Soon or later, he must make contact with his European masters
Mick Keelty, get your surveillance team onto this man straight away. Soon or later, he must make contact with his European masters
The Moral Bankruptcy Of Crimefighters
And in other news...
Police and crime victims' advocates speak out against bushfire fundraising, expressing their outrage at attempts to assist the victims of Black Saturday.
So, the message from the police and crime victim community can be summed up as: "We enjoy seeing people suffer in bushfires." Noel McNamara, how do you sleep at night?
Police and crime victims' advocates speak out against bushfire fundraising, expressing their outrage at attempts to assist the victims of Black Saturday.
So, the message from the police and crime victim community can be summed up as: "We enjoy seeing people suffer in bushfires." Noel McNamara, how do you sleep at night?
What are the odds?
So the second Australian in a week has died while walking the Kokoda Track.
I never would have imagined that the Kokoda Track was so hard to walk. All the records from the war indicate that it was, to quote the War Office, "A pleasant enough afternoon's stroll, perfect for tourists".
It must have come as quite a shock to those people when they died.
I never would have imagined that the Kokoda Track was so hard to walk. All the records from the war indicate that it was, to quote the War Office, "A pleasant enough afternoon's stroll, perfect for tourists".
It must have come as quite a shock to those people when they died.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Children's Television Comes Of Age
You lose your heart,
I'll lose mine,
Show me your love and I'll feel fine.
We'll stay close and never part,
I'll always love you, cross my heart.
Show me an L.
Show me an O.
Show me a V,
And finish with an E.
L.O.V.E. I love you and you love me.
L.O.V.E. that's the way it's meant to be.
Hear that, family groups? Meant to be. Leave us alone.
Happy 100th Post!
It's been a long, hard struggle, full of heartache, tears, and forgetting of passwords, but today we celebrate the World of Objects' 100th post. Milestones like this don't come along every day - well, they do, but not on this particular blog - and it makes me feel that it's all been worthwhile to know that after just 100 posts, I have amassed a readership that, assuming nobody is trying to spare my feelings, numbers in the mid-to-high single digits.
So now is a time to think back on the good times, mull over our favourite memories on the blog, and, I don't know, eat some cheese or something.
So now is a time to think back on the good times, mull over our favourite memories on the blog, and, I don't know, eat some cheese or something.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
People Who Deserve To Be Robbed, Part 1
From the Hobart Mercury:
"A missing sheep has St Marys residents baffled.
The fibreglass animal was in the front yard of its owner ’s home on Good Friday when it went missing.
"Whoever took it must have been watching me," said Diana Foster. "I was gardening. I went inside for lunch and they grabbed it." The sheep was wearing pink rabbit ears and a pink skirt at the time.
"A missing sheep has St Marys residents baffled.
The fibreglass animal was in the front yard of its owner ’s home on Good Friday when it went missing.
"Whoever took it must have been watching me," said Diana Foster. "I was gardening. I went inside for lunch and they grabbed it." The sheep was wearing pink rabbit ears and a pink skirt at the time.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
With Eggs!
Sometimes, Easter can be a confusing time for those not steeped in solemn religious tradition. So for those of you who count among that number, here is a quick explanation of the Easter story, couched in modern terms for easy understanding.
THE STORY OF EASTER FOR THE MODERN "KIDS"
Imagine that you are driving, and in front of you is a big fancy car. Suddenly it slams on the brakes. You do likewise, but cannot stop in time. You slam into the back of the car.
The driver gets out of the car and confronts you.
DRIVER: You hit my car!
YOU: I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened.
DRIVER: It's not surprising really. I cut your brakes.
YOU: What?
DRIVER: Yes. Last night I came to your house and cut your brakes. Then I deliberately braked hard so you would hit me. I set it up so this would happen. I planned it all along.
YOU: So it's your fault?
DRIVER: Oh no, even though I planned it, it's still your fault. So now I have to punish you (takes out a gun).
YOU: You're going to shoot me.
DRIVER: Yes. In the head.
YOU: Isn't that a bit extreme?
DRIVER: Hey, YOU crashed into MY car! You need to be punished.
YOU: But...
DRIVER: OK, look, I am a kind and loving guy. I forgive you. I won't shoot you.
YOU: Oh good.
DRIVER: But I will have to shoot someone. Hey Junior, come out here! (his son gets out of the car, he shoots him in the head)
YOU: Dear God. Why did you do that?
DRIVER: Well, I wanted to forgive you, so I had to kill someone. Say thank you.
YOU: What?
DRIVER: I just saved you from being shot to death. Thank me!
YOU:...Thank you?
DRIVER: OK. Now here's my phone number. Ring me up every day for the rest of your life to say thank you again, and I won't shoot you in the head.
YOU: I thought you didn't have to shoot me, because you shot your son.
DRIVER: Oh yeah, but if you're going to be ungrateful, I'll have to shoot you anyway.
YOU: I'm very confused.
DRIVER: Here, have a chocolate bunny.
And that's Easter.
For a more inspirational take on the holiest holiday, see newmatilda.
THE STORY OF EASTER FOR THE MODERN "KIDS"
Imagine that you are driving, and in front of you is a big fancy car. Suddenly it slams on the brakes. You do likewise, but cannot stop in time. You slam into the back of the car.
The driver gets out of the car and confronts you.
DRIVER: You hit my car!
YOU: I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened.
DRIVER: It's not surprising really. I cut your brakes.
YOU: What?
DRIVER: Yes. Last night I came to your house and cut your brakes. Then I deliberately braked hard so you would hit me. I set it up so this would happen. I planned it all along.
YOU: So it's your fault?
DRIVER: Oh no, even though I planned it, it's still your fault. So now I have to punish you (takes out a gun).
YOU: You're going to shoot me.
DRIVER: Yes. In the head.
YOU: Isn't that a bit extreme?
DRIVER: Hey, YOU crashed into MY car! You need to be punished.
YOU: But...
DRIVER: OK, look, I am a kind and loving guy. I forgive you. I won't shoot you.
YOU: Oh good.
DRIVER: But I will have to shoot someone. Hey Junior, come out here! (his son gets out of the car, he shoots him in the head)
YOU: Dear God. Why did you do that?
DRIVER: Well, I wanted to forgive you, so I had to kill someone. Say thank you.
YOU: What?
DRIVER: I just saved you from being shot to death. Thank me!
YOU:...Thank you?
DRIVER: OK. Now here's my phone number. Ring me up every day for the rest of your life to say thank you again, and I won't shoot you in the head.
YOU: I thought you didn't have to shoot me, because you shot your son.
DRIVER: Oh yeah, but if you're going to be ungrateful, I'll have to shoot you anyway.
YOU: I'm very confused.
DRIVER: Here, have a chocolate bunny.
And that's Easter.
For a more inspirational take on the holiest holiday, see newmatilda.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Are You Looking For A Way To Look Less Slovenly?
Look no more! For here to save you from your own cripplingly ugly appearance is newmatilda's Brand-New Range Of T-shirts And Assorted Other Things!
Click on that link to enter the world of current affairs-analysis-themed merchandise.
In particular, check out the range of t-shirts, many of which feature hilarious and nether-moistening quotes by the man whose blog you are even now unable to tear your eyes away from.
...which is me. You can actually wear quotes by ME, on a T-SHIRT. This is AWESOME. Now you won't even have to talk to people to let them know how much you love me. That's got to save all sorts of time in your day-to-day routine. Go order some now!
Isn't that SEXY????
Click on that link to enter the world of current affairs-analysis-themed merchandise.
In particular, check out the range of t-shirts, many of which feature hilarious and nether-moistening quotes by the man whose blog you are even now unable to tear your eyes away from.
...which is me. You can actually wear quotes by ME, on a T-SHIRT. This is AWESOME. Now you won't even have to talk to people to let them know how much you love me. That's got to save all sorts of time in your day-to-day routine. Go order some now!
Isn't that SEXY????
Update
You may have noticed a new segment on the side of this blog, under the heading Live!
This is to let you know where I'll be performing or making appearances in the near future. So if you were sitting at home saying, "I really really want to go see Ben in all his fleshy, ill-fitting-jacketed glory, but I have NO IDEA where to go!" you could simply log on, check the blog, and be informed of my every movement.
Seriously. Apart from those gigs, I don't move at all.
This is to let you know where I'll be performing or making appearances in the near future. So if you were sitting at home saying, "I really really want to go see Ben in all his fleshy, ill-fitting-jacketed glory, but I have NO IDEA where to go!" you could simply log on, check the blog, and be informed of my every movement.
Seriously. Apart from those gigs, I don't move at all.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
And while we're on the subject...
OK, so Kevin Rudd is on a flight. He asks for a meal. They tell him he can't have it. He gets annoyed. And then the flight attendant breaks down in tears.
Sorry? This is a member of the RAAF! A member of our armed forces CRYING because someone was mean to her!
What the hell kind of hiring practices does the air force have?
Is this the kind of defence we're putting up against our enemies? In the event of an invasion, our men and women in uniform will put their shoulders to the wheel and strain every sinew in the defence of our way of life...unless the invaders get a little snappy, in which case our men and women in uniform will run to the toilet and have a bit of a cry.
Hey, unnamed RAAF attendant...HARDEN THE FUCK UP!
Sally Morrell of the Herald Sun, of course, provides an alternative view, but given this is a woman who willingly engages in sexual intercourse with Andrew Bolt, I think we can disregard her judgment in any matter. I think her opinion is borne mostly of the fact that whenever SHE says "Don't you know who I am?" she just gets furrowed brows and an uncertain, "Kathy Bates?"
Great point, Sally - Rudd probably wouldn't tell the Queen off if he got the wrong meal at Buckingham Palace - and if you're not willing to hurl obscenities at the Queen, what right has anyone to get pissed off at anyone ever for any reason?
Laurie Oakes's article here actually reveals that RAAF personnel have enormous difficulty doing the job they're paid to do - in fact, flying on an air force plane is apparently akin to a sort of crash diet.
Not that we can blame the defence force for letting catering slip its mind - its preoccupied with weightier matters, like spying on the Defence Minister and fighting for the right to employ butlers.
Sorry? This is a member of the RAAF! A member of our armed forces CRYING because someone was mean to her!
What the hell kind of hiring practices does the air force have?
Is this the kind of defence we're putting up against our enemies? In the event of an invasion, our men and women in uniform will put their shoulders to the wheel and strain every sinew in the defence of our way of life...unless the invaders get a little snappy, in which case our men and women in uniform will run to the toilet and have a bit of a cry.
Hey, unnamed RAAF attendant...HARDEN THE FUCK UP!
Sally Morrell of the Herald Sun, of course, provides an alternative view, but given this is a woman who willingly engages in sexual intercourse with Andrew Bolt, I think we can disregard her judgment in any matter. I think her opinion is borne mostly of the fact that whenever SHE says "Don't you know who I am?" she just gets furrowed brows and an uncertain, "Kathy Bates?"
Great point, Sally - Rudd probably wouldn't tell the Queen off if he got the wrong meal at Buckingham Palace - and if you're not willing to hurl obscenities at the Queen, what right has anyone to get pissed off at anyone ever for any reason?
Laurie Oakes's article here actually reveals that RAAF personnel have enormous difficulty doing the job they're paid to do - in fact, flying on an air force plane is apparently akin to a sort of crash diet.
Not that we can blame the defence force for letting catering slip its mind - its preoccupied with weightier matters, like spying on the Defence Minister and fighting for the right to employ butlers.
National Security In Jeopardy: Lodge Infiltrated By Authorised Tradesmen
Let us take a hard, unflinching look at the latest scandal to come out of Canberra, as reported by the Herald Sun.
The sequence of events:
1. A group of men came to the Lodge, claiming to be maintenance workers.
2. They showed documentation indicating they had been cleared by the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet.
3. Police checked their documentation and found it to be in order.
4. They spent some time in the Lodge.
5. They went home.
But there is more to the story: the men looked like bikies. Is something afoot, newsies? You bet your bloodstained bollards it is!
Given that these men, who suspiciously showed up with correct documentation and spent mostly unsupervised time in the Prime Minister's residence, were dressed in leather and had tattoos, it can be seen that what has actually occurred is an ATTACK ON THE LODGE BY BIKIE GANGS!
What they were doing in there, who knows? But certainly their tattoos represent a serious threat to security? What if they took showers? What if they washed their underpants in the Lodge's sink? What if a visiting foreign dignitary should stay at the Lodge and discover a copy of Live To Ride under the bed?
Terrifying thoughts, indeed. It's a disturbing thought that bikies might be able to gain access to the Lodge in order to...walk around. And do stuff. Like, maybe they were laying bikie eggs, using the PM's house as an incubator for the coming bikie army. Maybe they were there to sell amphetamines to Kevin Rudd. Maybe the reason Rudd was so cranky on that flight was because he had insufficient amphetamines. That can really stress a man out, I hear.
In any case, it's unacceptable. We need to get to the bottom of this. A Royal Commission into people with tattoos entering the Lodge must be announced immediately, for the sake of all our freedom.
The sequence of events:
1. A group of men came to the Lodge, claiming to be maintenance workers.
2. They showed documentation indicating they had been cleared by the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet.
3. Police checked their documentation and found it to be in order.
4. They spent some time in the Lodge.
5. They went home.
But there is more to the story: the men looked like bikies. Is something afoot, newsies? You bet your bloodstained bollards it is!
Given that these men, who suspiciously showed up with correct documentation and spent mostly unsupervised time in the Prime Minister's residence, were dressed in leather and had tattoos, it can be seen that what has actually occurred is an ATTACK ON THE LODGE BY BIKIE GANGS!
What they were doing in there, who knows? But certainly their tattoos represent a serious threat to security? What if they took showers? What if they washed their underpants in the Lodge's sink? What if a visiting foreign dignitary should stay at the Lodge and discover a copy of Live To Ride under the bed?
Terrifying thoughts, indeed. It's a disturbing thought that bikies might be able to gain access to the Lodge in order to...walk around. And do stuff. Like, maybe they were laying bikie eggs, using the PM's house as an incubator for the coming bikie army. Maybe they were there to sell amphetamines to Kevin Rudd. Maybe the reason Rudd was so cranky on that flight was because he had insufficient amphetamines. That can really stress a man out, I hear.
In any case, it's unacceptable. We need to get to the bottom of this. A Royal Commission into people with tattoos entering the Lodge must be announced immediately, for the sake of all our freedom.
Monday, March 30, 2009
New Stuff
Well, hello there. I think it's time to plug meself; what else are blogs for?
Apart from my latest article, previously mentioned, on the simple joys of hot president-on-prime minster action, I also have NEW STUFF!
At Babble, a new and rather spiffing parenting website, you will find this piece by me, about the recent additions to my family. Hope you like it.
In other, more distant news, mark down May 23 and 24 in your diaries; these are the days I will be appearing at the Sydney Writers' Festival. I'll write more on this as we further approach the festival, but I'd love to see you there.
Apart from my latest article, previously mentioned, on the simple joys of hot president-on-prime minster action, I also have NEW STUFF!
At Babble, a new and rather spiffing parenting website, you will find this piece by me, about the recent additions to my family. Hope you like it.
In other, more distant news, mark down May 23 and 24 in your diaries; these are the days I will be appearing at the Sydney Writers' Festival. I'll write more on this as we further approach the festival, but I'd love to see you there.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
The Monarchy: moving with the times
So Robyn Riley - fearless campaigner for truth, justice and the duty of the mainstream media to publish unsubstantiated nude photos of prominent public figures performing legal and consensual acts in a private place thirty years ago in order that the public know the sort of person that the person they are voting for looks a bit like - this week tackles the monarchy.
Apparently there is a bill under consideration in Britain that would remove the gender bias from royal succession rights.
And as Robyn says, "about time too. It is ridiculous that gender is still relevant".
Yes, indeed, what a ludicrous way of organising one's monarchy. Maybe now, finally, we can bring our undemocratic medieval system of hereditary privilege into the 21st century. It seems absurd that in this day of age, the selection of our head of state should be dependent on their sex. It's about time we took that giant leap forward and selected them based purely and simply on who gets born first to the descendant of whatever family managed to wrest power from another several centuries ago.
After all, it would be terrible if the monarchy were to seem in any way outdated. It must move with the times, lest it be seen as obsolete and pointless and wasteful and generally stupid.
Hate for that to happen.
Apparently there is a bill under consideration in Britain that would remove the gender bias from royal succession rights.
And as Robyn says, "about time too. It is ridiculous that gender is still relevant".
Yes, indeed, what a ludicrous way of organising one's monarchy. Maybe now, finally, we can bring our undemocratic medieval system of hereditary privilege into the 21st century. It seems absurd that in this day of age, the selection of our head of state should be dependent on their sex. It's about time we took that giant leap forward and selected them based purely and simply on who gets born first to the descendant of whatever family managed to wrest power from another several centuries ago.
After all, it would be terrible if the monarchy were to seem in any way outdated. It must move with the times, lest it be seen as obsolete and pointless and wasteful and generally stupid.
Hate for that to happen.
Brokebarack Mountain
World leaders: how graphic should descriptions of their homosexual liaisons really be?
You decide, after reading my latest piece for newmatilda.
You decide, after reading my latest piece for newmatilda.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
The Empire Grows...
I'm on Wikipedia! Now it can truly be said, I actually exist.
It looks a little threadbare, though. Maybe you should go spice it up.
Edits that make me appear more interesting than I actually am will be much appreciated.
It looks a little threadbare, though. Maybe you should go spice it up.
Edits that make me appear more interesting than I actually am will be much appreciated.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
On ninemsn.com...
The headline read, "Brand promises laughs, not orgasms".
I did not click on the link, preferring to retain the belief that the story is about KR Darling Downs.
I did not click on the link, preferring to retain the belief that the story is about KR Darling Downs.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Have you heard of the environment?
Apparently it's quite important. This shocking realisation galvanised me to write my latest newmatilda piece, a rousing wake-up call to those whose criminal apathy has caused them to read an insufficient number of satirical online articles lately.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Where did THAT come from?
Andrew Bolt is angry about sharks. So are his commenters. So angry about sharks are they that they express it in the time-honoured way - by calling me a mental retard. It's tight down the bottom of the first page, which is convenient.
I suppose it's kind of a privilege that out of all the leftist scum he could have name-checked, he chose ME!
I suppose it's kind of a privilege that out of all the leftist scum he could have name-checked, he chose ME!
Absence makes...
Sorry for a little inactivity recently. There have been several deaths in my and my wife's family of late, the last of which was extremely sudden and shocking, and I've had not much time or inclination for blogging.
Normal service will be resumed shortly.
Normal service will be resumed shortly.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Just when you thought it was safe to read the Herald...
The Sydney Morning Herald continues its outreach programme for developmentally delayed opinion writers as Miranda Devine, bless her, puts forth her firm and well-researched views on sharks.
Miranda is furious at the attitude taken by so many hippie green homosexualists these days, that sharks have more right to be in the water than humans, and that people, perhaps, know the risk they're taking if they enter the ocean, which is where sharks traditionally live.
Now, personally, I have always found the threat of shark attack to be one of the more easily avoidable in our world. Unlike nuclear war, sharks are relatively limited in their scope, and unlike serial killers, they almost never break into private homes in order to attack. "Stay out of the water" is pretty much the golden, and only, rule, re: avoiding sharks, I thought. Miranda puts us straight.
She begins by waxing lyrical about a "tall, blond, 15-year-old Adonis" of her acquaintance, but let's not delve too deeply into Ms Devine's reverse-Lolita fantasies, and move on to the crux. Apparently the debate has "taken a surreal turn", as people stand up for the rights of those damn sharks.
"'Dirty, stinking humans … scum of the planet and hopefully sharks will be here for millions more years after we're extinct" was typical of one misanthropic comment on a surf website this week.'" she writes. Well, yes, it would be typical. If you're restricting yourself to describing one comment, then quoting that comment will, in general, tend to be quite representative. In a similar way, "I have a dream" was typical of Martin Luther King's "I have a dream" speech. Well done, Miranda, you have certainly nailed the rampant anti-human feeling spreading like wildfire through that single person.
Miranda then says that Primary Industries Minister Ian Macdonald's warning for swimmers to avoid going in the water at times when sharks are most active is "blaming the victim." Indeed. It's a lot like when people say that if a woman goes nightclubbing in a short skirt or low-cut top, it's her own fault if a shark eats her. When will we stop blaming the victim and start blaming the SHARKS? Why don't the sharks take some responsibility for their actions? No means no, sharks! If we say we don't want to be eaten, back off!
"We have been designed to swim and are at home in the water," says Miranda in her defence of humans' rights to swim in shark-infested waters. I'm not quite sure she's on such solid ground here, actually. I mean, a lot of humans LIKE it in the water, but to say we've "been designed" for it may be a stretch, mayn't it? We don't seem to be quite as well-designed to swim as, say, every water-dwelling animal on earth. We're not even as well-designed to swim as dogs. And we're probably more at home on land, really. Where our homes are. Especially when compared to sharks, who are "at home in the water" to quite a drastic extent, relatively speaking. I don't think we're really at the top of the league table in terms of at-home-in-the-waterness.
Still, it's a worthwhile point to make. These sharks have gotten away with the unthinking following of their primal instincts for far too long. It's time to get tough on these vicious bastards. As Miranda says, "if it comes to a choice between a shark life and a human life there just should be no contest".
And if it comes to a choice between a shark life and a human finding somewhere else to swim...ah, but that's greenie thinkin'.
Miranda is furious at the attitude taken by so many hippie green homosexualists these days, that sharks have more right to be in the water than humans, and that people, perhaps, know the risk they're taking if they enter the ocean, which is where sharks traditionally live.
Now, personally, I have always found the threat of shark attack to be one of the more easily avoidable in our world. Unlike nuclear war, sharks are relatively limited in their scope, and unlike serial killers, they almost never break into private homes in order to attack. "Stay out of the water" is pretty much the golden, and only, rule, re: avoiding sharks, I thought. Miranda puts us straight.
She begins by waxing lyrical about a "tall, blond, 15-year-old Adonis" of her acquaintance, but let's not delve too deeply into Ms Devine's reverse-Lolita fantasies, and move on to the crux. Apparently the debate has "taken a surreal turn", as people stand up for the rights of those damn sharks.
"'Dirty, stinking humans … scum of the planet and hopefully sharks will be here for millions more years after we're extinct" was typical of one misanthropic comment on a surf website this week.'" she writes. Well, yes, it would be typical. If you're restricting yourself to describing one comment, then quoting that comment will, in general, tend to be quite representative. In a similar way, "I have a dream" was typical of Martin Luther King's "I have a dream" speech. Well done, Miranda, you have certainly nailed the rampant anti-human feeling spreading like wildfire through that single person.
Miranda then says that Primary Industries Minister Ian Macdonald's warning for swimmers to avoid going in the water at times when sharks are most active is "blaming the victim." Indeed. It's a lot like when people say that if a woman goes nightclubbing in a short skirt or low-cut top, it's her own fault if a shark eats her. When will we stop blaming the victim and start blaming the SHARKS? Why don't the sharks take some responsibility for their actions? No means no, sharks! If we say we don't want to be eaten, back off!
"We have been designed to swim and are at home in the water," says Miranda in her defence of humans' rights to swim in shark-infested waters. I'm not quite sure she's on such solid ground here, actually. I mean, a lot of humans LIKE it in the water, but to say we've "been designed" for it may be a stretch, mayn't it? We don't seem to be quite as well-designed to swim as, say, every water-dwelling animal on earth. We're not even as well-designed to swim as dogs. And we're probably more at home on land, really. Where our homes are. Especially when compared to sharks, who are "at home in the water" to quite a drastic extent, relatively speaking. I don't think we're really at the top of the league table in terms of at-home-in-the-waterness.
Still, it's a worthwhile point to make. These sharks have gotten away with the unthinking following of their primal instincts for far too long. It's time to get tough on these vicious bastards. As Miranda says, "if it comes to a choice between a shark life and a human life there just should be no contest".
And if it comes to a choice between a shark life and a human finding somewhere else to swim...ah, but that's greenie thinkin'.
Can You Get Enough Of Me?
Of course you can't! And that's why you need to get your grasping mitts on The Death Mook, published by Vignette Press. It features a piece by me, as well as myriad other works of art and intellect by a dazzling array of other talented notables. It looks, I must say, freaking awesome, and that's only 70-80% because I'm in it.
I am proud to be part of the Mook movement, which I see as the irresistible wave of the future. Get into it now!
I am proud to be part of the Mook movement, which I see as the irresistible wave of the future. Get into it now!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Sort-of news?
I have finally caved, and joined Twitter. So...er, for things briefer, less important and more ephemeral than this blog...um, do whatever people do on Twitter, to me. I guess? This is me.
I honestly do not know what Twitter is...but far be it from me to act like an individual.
I honestly do not know what Twitter is...but far be it from me to act like an individual.
Is This What Passes For Satire These Days?
Recently Rupert Murdoch apologised for one of his newspapers drawing attention to Barack Obama's resemblance to a chimpanzee.
Here is my bigoted right-wing take on it, with bonus baffling comments!
Here is my bigoted right-wing take on it, with bonus baffling comments!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Q&A
Hey, why hasn't Ben been blogging lately?
Why, it's because he's just become the father of twins and has little else to talk about!
Oh. Will he be back soon?
Sure as sure can be, good buddy!
Oh.
Why, it's because he's just become the father of twins and has little else to talk about!
Oh. Will he be back soon?
Sure as sure can be, good buddy!
Oh.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Joe Hockey: man or myth?
A gritty, brutally honest look at the state of play in the Liberal Party XI, in my latest at New Matilda. Enjoy it before the seas rise.
In other news, I have apparently made it on to the radar of the bestest people in the whole wide world: American pro-lifers! Gratifying to know my reach has extended so far, and I am now hated on at least two continents!
In other news, I have apparently made it on to the radar of the bestest people in the whole wide world: American pro-lifers! Gratifying to know my reach has extended so far, and I am now hated on at least two continents!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
The Magical Universe of Bolt
Andrew Bolt provides us all with his take on the political issues surrounding the Victorian bushfires, viz:
1. It is disgusting and despicable for Greens to be crowing over the fires in order to push their political agenda.
2. The fires prove how I was right and the Greens were wrong.
Ta-da!
1. It is disgusting and despicable for Greens to be crowing over the fires in order to push their political agenda.
2. The fires prove how I was right and the Greens were wrong.
Ta-da!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Danny Nalliah: World's Sexiest Man?
I catch the fire and sound a warning to my fellow Victorians about the dangers of womb-liberation and god-defying - with thanks to modern-day prophet and public-minded ubermensch Pastor Danny Nalliah, and his Catch The Fire Ministries, AKA Australia's Conscience - in my latest New Matilda article.
However, it is true that that article was the second I wrote on the subject. The first didn't make it to publication, but I am going to reproduce it here, just in case anyone might be interested in reading it for purposes of comparison and enlightenment and saying, "Yeah, I can see why".
So this is another piece on Nalliah, EXCLUSIVELY FOR BLOG READERS, below:
Dear God,
I know I haven’t been in touch for a while, and I do apologise for taking up your valuable time; I know you must be terribly busy. But frankly God – and I hope you don’t mind my using your first name, I like to stay informal – some of us have recently become a little worried about some of the company you’ve been keeping. We’re afraid you’ve fallen in with a bad crowd. And we’d hate to see you go off the rails because of your friends’ bad influence.
Take Pastor Danny Nalliah. Please (That was a joke, God – you may not be au fait with the modern edgy comedy). I don’t know if you’ve heard, but he’s been going around spreading this rumour that you were responsible for the Victorian bushfires of the past week. According to the good pastor, you set the state alight to punish Victorians for legalising abortion last year. He knows this, because in October last year he had a dream, in which, according to his press release, “I saw fire everywhere with flames burning very high and uncontrollably”. He interpreted this as meaning that you had removed your protection “from the nation of Australia, in particular Victoria, for approving the slaughter of innocent children in the womb”.
Now, I confess that last weekend when I looked out my front door and saw the smoke rising, I did for a fleeting moment think, “Oops, I hope this isn’t because of that womb that I approved the slaughter of innocent children in”. It’s a good thing I read the papers and found out about the extreme heat and high winds and abundance of fuel, or I would have been beating myself up all week over it.
But what I’m getting at, God, is that this “pastor” seems to be trash-talking you. Are you really happy with being labelled an arsonist?
I realise that there have been incidents in the past. I realise that you do have, shall we say, a certain amount of “form” in this area. But hey, we all did stupid things in our youth. We all have our crazy stories to tell, about drunken parties and childish vandalism and killing firstborn sons. But past is past. Bygones, etc. You wouldn’t want to be judged on the Old Testament any more than, to take a random example, Peter Costello would want to be judged on any hypothetical past messages he might have theoretically sent to certain non-specific religious maniacs, back before he became a respected journalist. Youthful indiscretions etc.
I doubt you’d appreciate Danny Nalliah coming along and besmirching your reputation, after all the work you’ve put in on the public relations front. I don’t mind telling you, God, we’re all kind of annoyed down here. To be honest, the fires have been a bit of a bugger for us. I know you’d hate to think anyone thought you might be responsible. And I know you’d hate people to think you were wasting your time setting uterus-induced fires when you could be using your time more constructively.
And that’s why I’m writing to you, God, because I don’t think you should be associating with people like this. If nothing else, the name “Catch The Fire Ministries” is a bad look. Can you imagine being a member? Walking around saying, “Hey, have you caught the fire?” An awkward situation for any thinking person – so I suppose it’s not really a problem for them.
But there’s more. Danny Nalliah is saying you’re a firebug, but he’s also saying you’re an incompetent firebug. According to him, abortion was legalised on October 10, 2008, but you didn’t get around to doing anything about it until February 7, 2009. So according to Pastor Danny Nalliah, so-called Christian clergyman, either you are so slow on the uptake that it takes you four months to catch up with the latest news, or you’re incapable of starting a fire until the hottest day of the year. He’s dissing your omnipotence, man! Are you going to stand there and take that?
If you need more convincing, consider this: Nalliah’s church has apparently been assisting in bushfire relief, sending out trucks to distribute clothes and food and such. That’s right, God: he thinks the bushfires are your divine will, and he’s trying to thwart you. Outrageous? Yes. Sacrilegious? Yes. Downright rude? Damn straight.
So, let’s go through the litany. The man spreads vicious rumours about you. He calls you an arsonist. He calls you incompetent. He defies your will. I’m sorry God, it’s time to cut him loose. I know he’s a Pastor, I know he’s one of your flock, but there is an old saying I remember from my Baptist youth group: “Anyone who would call your omnipotence and benevolence into question in libellous press releases isn’t really your friend”.
Time to bear that in mind. You have to sever all ties. Don’t go to Nalliah’s services, don’t mix with him socially, stop replying to his emails. It might be painful, but a clean break is the only way when you get mixed up with such disreputable types.
Please do it, and do it now. You missed your chance with Steve Fielding, don’t miss your chance with Danny Nalliah. Because it’s a slippery slope. Today it’s Nalliah, tomorrow you could be getting mixed up with Miranda Devine, Australia’s classiest right-wing simpleton. Imagine that. If you think it’s bad getting blamed for setting fires, imagine how it’ll be when you’re getting blamed for hanging Bob Brown from a lamp post. Embarrassing, yeah? But that’s how it goes: once you start hanging with dodgy characters, you’re on a downward spiral, and if you don’t nip it in the bud, it’ll be but a short step to the lunatic fringe and Andrew Bolt quoting scripture to prove that Antarctica is getting colder.
I’m only saying this for your own good, God. I’ve seen so much potential ruined when good folks make bad choices. I’d hate to see that happen to you. And to be blunt, you’re not a kid anymore. You’re old enough to know better – you’re almost as old as the humorous device of the fake open letter. So it’s time to take some responsibility. Send out your own press release. Let the headlines tomorrow say that Danny Nalliah’s been slapped down by the boss. Send an unequivocal message.
Or failing that, a well-directed lightning bolt should do the trick.
Yours in Christ,
Ben Pobjie
However, it is true that that article was the second I wrote on the subject. The first didn't make it to publication, but I am going to reproduce it here, just in case anyone might be interested in reading it for purposes of comparison and enlightenment and saying, "Yeah, I can see why".
So this is another piece on Nalliah, EXCLUSIVELY FOR BLOG READERS, below:
Dear God,
I know I haven’t been in touch for a while, and I do apologise for taking up your valuable time; I know you must be terribly busy. But frankly God – and I hope you don’t mind my using your first name, I like to stay informal – some of us have recently become a little worried about some of the company you’ve been keeping. We’re afraid you’ve fallen in with a bad crowd. And we’d hate to see you go off the rails because of your friends’ bad influence.
Take Pastor Danny Nalliah. Please (That was a joke, God – you may not be au fait with the modern edgy comedy). I don’t know if you’ve heard, but he’s been going around spreading this rumour that you were responsible for the Victorian bushfires of the past week. According to the good pastor, you set the state alight to punish Victorians for legalising abortion last year. He knows this, because in October last year he had a dream, in which, according to his press release, “I saw fire everywhere with flames burning very high and uncontrollably”. He interpreted this as meaning that you had removed your protection “from the nation of Australia, in particular Victoria, for approving the slaughter of innocent children in the womb”.
Now, I confess that last weekend when I looked out my front door and saw the smoke rising, I did for a fleeting moment think, “Oops, I hope this isn’t because of that womb that I approved the slaughter of innocent children in”. It’s a good thing I read the papers and found out about the extreme heat and high winds and abundance of fuel, or I would have been beating myself up all week over it.
But what I’m getting at, God, is that this “pastor” seems to be trash-talking you. Are you really happy with being labelled an arsonist?
I realise that there have been incidents in the past. I realise that you do have, shall we say, a certain amount of “form” in this area. But hey, we all did stupid things in our youth. We all have our crazy stories to tell, about drunken parties and childish vandalism and killing firstborn sons. But past is past. Bygones, etc. You wouldn’t want to be judged on the Old Testament any more than, to take a random example, Peter Costello would want to be judged on any hypothetical past messages he might have theoretically sent to certain non-specific religious maniacs, back before he became a respected journalist. Youthful indiscretions etc.
I doubt you’d appreciate Danny Nalliah coming along and besmirching your reputation, after all the work you’ve put in on the public relations front. I don’t mind telling you, God, we’re all kind of annoyed down here. To be honest, the fires have been a bit of a bugger for us. I know you’d hate to think anyone thought you might be responsible. And I know you’d hate people to think you were wasting your time setting uterus-induced fires when you could be using your time more constructively.
And that’s why I’m writing to you, God, because I don’t think you should be associating with people like this. If nothing else, the name “Catch The Fire Ministries” is a bad look. Can you imagine being a member? Walking around saying, “Hey, have you caught the fire?” An awkward situation for any thinking person – so I suppose it’s not really a problem for them.
But there’s more. Danny Nalliah is saying you’re a firebug, but he’s also saying you’re an incompetent firebug. According to him, abortion was legalised on October 10, 2008, but you didn’t get around to doing anything about it until February 7, 2009. So according to Pastor Danny Nalliah, so-called Christian clergyman, either you are so slow on the uptake that it takes you four months to catch up with the latest news, or you’re incapable of starting a fire until the hottest day of the year. He’s dissing your omnipotence, man! Are you going to stand there and take that?
If you need more convincing, consider this: Nalliah’s church has apparently been assisting in bushfire relief, sending out trucks to distribute clothes and food and such. That’s right, God: he thinks the bushfires are your divine will, and he’s trying to thwart you. Outrageous? Yes. Sacrilegious? Yes. Downright rude? Damn straight.
So, let’s go through the litany. The man spreads vicious rumours about you. He calls you an arsonist. He calls you incompetent. He defies your will. I’m sorry God, it’s time to cut him loose. I know he’s a Pastor, I know he’s one of your flock, but there is an old saying I remember from my Baptist youth group: “Anyone who would call your omnipotence and benevolence into question in libellous press releases isn’t really your friend”.
Time to bear that in mind. You have to sever all ties. Don’t go to Nalliah’s services, don’t mix with him socially, stop replying to his emails. It might be painful, but a clean break is the only way when you get mixed up with such disreputable types.
Please do it, and do it now. You missed your chance with Steve Fielding, don’t miss your chance with Danny Nalliah. Because it’s a slippery slope. Today it’s Nalliah, tomorrow you could be getting mixed up with Miranda Devine, Australia’s classiest right-wing simpleton. Imagine that. If you think it’s bad getting blamed for setting fires, imagine how it’ll be when you’re getting blamed for hanging Bob Brown from a lamp post. Embarrassing, yeah? But that’s how it goes: once you start hanging with dodgy characters, you’re on a downward spiral, and if you don’t nip it in the bud, it’ll be but a short step to the lunatic fringe and Andrew Bolt quoting scripture to prove that Antarctica is getting colder.
I’m only saying this for your own good, God. I’ve seen so much potential ruined when good folks make bad choices. I’d hate to see that happen to you. And to be blunt, you’re not a kid anymore. You’re old enough to know better – you’re almost as old as the humorous device of the fake open letter. So it’s time to take some responsibility. Send out your own press release. Let the headlines tomorrow say that Danny Nalliah’s been slapped down by the boss. Send an unequivocal message.
Or failing that, a well-directed lightning bolt should do the trick.
Yours in Christ,
Ben Pobjie
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Lucky
Good thing we've got that amazing Aussie spirit here, like everyone says.
Because in other countries, people just let each other burn without lifting a finger.
Because in other countries, people just let each other burn without lifting a finger.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
EVERYthing?
Well-known moose-botherer and grandmother of two Sarah Palin rails against mean people.
Besides letting us know that bloggers are nasty, she also reveals that she named her daughter Bristol because she was too scared to move to a different city.
Palin also wishes she had more input into strategy during the election campaign. Stupid advisers knocked back her idea to replace the vice-presidential debate with a cross-country caribou-back race.
Besides letting us know that bloggers are nasty, she also reveals that she named her daughter Bristol because she was too scared to move to a different city.
Palin also wishes she had more input into strategy during the election campaign. Stupid advisers knocked back her idea to replace the vice-presidential debate with a cross-country caribou-back race.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
From the Northwest Express
Local Lascelles farmer Ross Schack is organising a group of interested people to scale the summit of Mt Kosciusko, the highest mountain in Australia in February 2009.
Ross said he was inspired to reach the summit of Mt Koscziuszko after reading his distant cousin Sir Edmund Hillary ’s book about his challenges in conquering Mt Everest.
One imagines his thought process upon reading the book ran something like, "Wow...I wish I could do something much less impressive than that."
And by golly, he WILL!
Ross said he was inspired to reach the summit of Mt Koscziuszko after reading his distant cousin Sir Edmund Hillary ’s book about his challenges in conquering Mt Everest.
One imagines his thought process upon reading the book ran something like, "Wow...I wish I could do something much less impressive than that."
And by golly, he WILL!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Bad Ben! Bad!
My latest at newmatilda, in which I am very offensive as I make a number of outrageous statements that are in no way ironic jokes but are in fact meant to be taken seriously on face value, and express very sincere sexist and criminal views.
Enjoy!
Just for the record:
I don't drink beer.
And I did not actually drag the subject up. It was on the front page of Australia's most widely-read newspaper.
Some, of course, might think that Hamza is just a silly little man with a silly beard talking crap to a small group of inadequate losers who have substituted Islam for an ability to talk to women.
Fortunately, there are those in our society willing to disabuse of this notion by informing us that he is in fact A MENACE TO ALL WE HOLD DEAR. So thanks to News Ltd for keeping up the vigilance.
I'm sorry to those who didn't find it funny; I hope you laugh more at next week's.
Now I am off to revel in my unapologetic blokey ockeristic fundamentalist Islamicism.
Enjoy!
Just for the record:
I don't drink beer.
And I did not actually drag the subject up. It was on the front page of Australia's most widely-read newspaper.
Some, of course, might think that Hamza is just a silly little man with a silly beard talking crap to a small group of inadequate losers who have substituted Islam for an ability to talk to women.
Fortunately, there are those in our society willing to disabuse of this notion by informing us that he is in fact A MENACE TO ALL WE HOLD DEAR. So thanks to News Ltd for keeping up the vigilance.
I'm sorry to those who didn't find it funny; I hope you laugh more at next week's.
Now I am off to revel in my unapologetic blokey ockeristic fundamentalist Islamicism.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Showbusiness
Backstage at the gig last night:
American Burlesque Artist Wearing Basically Stockings and Tassels: I know we just met, and you're a poet, and you're having twins and everything, but can I ask you a favour?
Me, Attempting To Look At Everything Else In The Room: ....uh, yeah.
ABA: Can you look...I got this big pimple on my ass, can you see it?
Me: Um...I think so...
ABA: Well, you think so, or you see it?
Me: Um, I see it...I think...right there?
ABA: Is it really bad, or could it be covered with makeup?
Me: ...it's...not...that bad?
ABA: Great, thanks.
Later on she talked about amputees.
I am in showbusiness.
American Burlesque Artist Wearing Basically Stockings and Tassels: I know we just met, and you're a poet, and you're having twins and everything, but can I ask you a favour?
Me, Attempting To Look At Everything Else In The Room: ....uh, yeah.
ABA: Can you look...I got this big pimple on my ass, can you see it?
Me: Um...I think so...
ABA: Well, you think so, or you see it?
Me: Um, I see it...I think...right there?
ABA: Is it really bad, or could it be covered with makeup?
Me: ...it's...not...that bad?
ABA: Great, thanks.
Later on she talked about amputees.
I am in showbusiness.
A Sober and Considered View of Australian Identity
Or you could just read this.
Also, I've updated the article list at the side for those of you who'd like to catch up on what I've written in the last couple of months.
Also, I've updated the article list at the side for those of you who'd like to catch up on what I've written in the last couple of months.
A break with tradition
I am not normally wont to engage in such things, but I have been tagged by My Growing Passion, and in deference to this fine lady, I shall play this once. Apparently here is what we do:
Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person or persons who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random and/or revealing things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know when your post entry is up on your site.
Hmmmm, six random and/or revealing things about myself:
1. I cannot ride a bicycle. This is only one of many, many things I cannot do, but it's the one that people find most strange. That and not being able to whistle. How can a person not know how to ride a bike? Shrug. I never had one.
2. I am pigeon-toed. When I was younger I needed special shoes to stop my feet pointing in at each other. I never need surgery, though. I was a bit disappointed by that. You feel more special when your disability requires surgery.
3. I am jealous of my sister the famous author. But not in a nasty way. I think it acts as a spur to further action on my part. And of course I'm terribly proud and happy for her. But it's true her great success tends to make me think, "Gee, I better get myself moving..."
4. I am extremely attracted to Tanya Bulmer. Feel free to pass this on.
5. I once spent the night in Sarah Blasko's bedroom. I was only five at the time, but still, score, right?
6. I played representative rugby as a teenager. I was considered rather good, and occasionally I regret not trying to see how much potential I actually had. Regrets...
I am supposed to tag people now, but I haven't made up my mind whether to try that on. I'll think about it.
Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person or persons who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random and/or revealing things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know when your post entry is up on your site.
Hmmmm, six random and/or revealing things about myself:
1. I cannot ride a bicycle. This is only one of many, many things I cannot do, but it's the one that people find most strange. That and not being able to whistle. How can a person not know how to ride a bike? Shrug. I never had one.
2. I am pigeon-toed. When I was younger I needed special shoes to stop my feet pointing in at each other. I never need surgery, though. I was a bit disappointed by that. You feel more special when your disability requires surgery.
3. I am jealous of my sister the famous author. But not in a nasty way. I think it acts as a spur to further action on my part. And of course I'm terribly proud and happy for her. But it's true her great success tends to make me think, "Gee, I better get myself moving..."
4. I am extremely attracted to Tanya Bulmer. Feel free to pass this on.
5. I once spent the night in Sarah Blasko's bedroom. I was only five at the time, but still, score, right?
6. I played representative rugby as a teenager. I was considered rather good, and occasionally I regret not trying to see how much potential I actually had. Regrets...
I am supposed to tag people now, but I haven't made up my mind whether to try that on. I'll think about it.
Friday, January 23, 2009
From the Sunday Tasmanian
"A BURNIE teenager has convinced one of Tasmania ’s major milk producers to help Australians learn their national anthem.
For the past year 17-year-old student Jacqui Fishwick has been campaigning to have the lyrics of Advance Australia Fair printed on the side of milk cartons.
Her work has paid off with Betta Milk agreeing to use special cartons featuring the first verse of the anthem during January in preparation for Australia Day."
Next time someone says young people aren't contributing to society, you can shove THIS in their face!
Jacqui Fishwick! Standing up for all that is good and noble! Thanks to her, people everywhere (in Tasmania) can sing the correct lyrics to the national anthem while pouring their milk.
Finally, en end to the unedifying trend of Tasmanians standing by their cornflakes, stumbling haphazardly over the words to the song.
"Australians always use your voice, for we live in a tree...with da da da and um dum dum, our home is pert and free". No more of that nonsense. NOW, when Tasmanians want a breakfast singalong with a patriotic flavour, they can have it, and have it CORRECTLY.
"Ms Fishwick said she had been concerned for years about the problem."
Well done, Jacqui, I can hardly think of a better way to while away your teenage years. What a wild ride it's been for you!
But let's leave that all aside for a minute, and examine the caption that accompanies the photo to this story. It goes thusly:
"IN TUNE: Special Cream Unit ’s Frank and Nikki lend their support."
That's right, readers: There is a SPECIAL CREAM UNIT.
I want you to take a while to digest the impossibly wonderful implications of this...
For the past year 17-year-old student Jacqui Fishwick has been campaigning to have the lyrics of Advance Australia Fair printed on the side of milk cartons.
Her work has paid off with Betta Milk agreeing to use special cartons featuring the first verse of the anthem during January in preparation for Australia Day."
Next time someone says young people aren't contributing to society, you can shove THIS in their face!
Jacqui Fishwick! Standing up for all that is good and noble! Thanks to her, people everywhere (in Tasmania) can sing the correct lyrics to the national anthem while pouring their milk.
Finally, en end to the unedifying trend of Tasmanians standing by their cornflakes, stumbling haphazardly over the words to the song.
"Australians always use your voice, for we live in a tree...with da da da and um dum dum, our home is pert and free". No more of that nonsense. NOW, when Tasmanians want a breakfast singalong with a patriotic flavour, they can have it, and have it CORRECTLY.
"Ms Fishwick said she had been concerned for years about the problem."
Well done, Jacqui, I can hardly think of a better way to while away your teenage years. What a wild ride it's been for you!
But let's leave that all aside for a minute, and examine the caption that accompanies the photo to this story. It goes thusly:
"IN TUNE: Special Cream Unit ’s Frank and Nikki lend their support."
That's right, readers: There is a SPECIAL CREAM UNIT.
I want you to take a while to digest the impossibly wonderful implications of this...
What does it mean to be Australian
In case you ever wonder, you can refer to this at New Matilda. Happy Australia Day, all!
But I should warn you, according to one erudite commenter, "this sort of piece is not new as satire, and anyway it didn’t connect as such with this experienced reader (and sometimes writer) of satire. There was no bite and the comedy wasn’t comedic."
And who am I to argue with an experienced reader (and sometimes writer) of satire? Just quietly, I suspect this commenter is actually Kerry Cue.
Anyway, I am quite hurt that this experienced reader, once they had been informed that it was a joke, didn't like it. They apparently "crave originality and Swiftian wit", so I will put my best foot forward to provide it. Look out next week for my scathing attack on the Whig Party.
But I should warn you, according to one erudite commenter, "this sort of piece is not new as satire, and anyway it didn’t connect as such with this experienced reader (and sometimes writer) of satire. There was no bite and the comedy wasn’t comedic."
And who am I to argue with an experienced reader (and sometimes writer) of satire? Just quietly, I suspect this commenter is actually Kerry Cue.
Anyway, I am quite hurt that this experienced reader, once they had been informed that it was a joke, didn't like it. They apparently "crave originality and Swiftian wit", so I will put my best foot forward to provide it. Look out next week for my scathing attack on the Whig Party.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Melbourne film industry booming!
From The Sunday Age:
"The cast and crew on Morell Bridge are filming Centre Place, a $1.5 million locally financed romantic comedy taking its name from Melbourne ’s busy arcade.
Pre-production has also started on a gangster flick, Animal Kingdom, starring Guy Pearce, while Pete Helliar ’s rom-com, I Love You Too starts shooting soon, as does Suite for Fleur, another rom-com, starring Angry Anderson, Tottie Goldsmith and Cameron Daddo."
Let me repeat that: starring Angry Anderson, Tottie Goldsmith and Cameron Daddo.
NEVER let anyone ever say again that there is no surefire formula for success in movies!
"The cast and crew on Morell Bridge are filming Centre Place, a $1.5 million locally financed romantic comedy taking its name from Melbourne ’s busy arcade.
Pre-production has also started on a gangster flick, Animal Kingdom, starring Guy Pearce, while Pete Helliar ’s rom-com, I Love You Too starts shooting soon, as does Suite for Fleur, another rom-com, starring Angry Anderson, Tottie Goldsmith and Cameron Daddo."
Let me repeat that: starring Angry Anderson, Tottie Goldsmith and Cameron Daddo.
NEVER let anyone ever say again that there is no surefire formula for success in movies!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
We Forgive You
The Herald Sun, demonstrating its usual penchant for both hard news and unfailing honesty, today reports that Andrew O'Keefe has "apologised" for his drunken night out in December*.
The funny thing is that in the story which begins "TV host Andrew O'Keefe has apologised for his boozy Chapel St bender late last year", at no point is there any apology quoted. He says he is "in no way proud" of his behaviour, but the "apology" which the Herald Sun assures us he offered is not in evidence. Weird. Some sub-editor must have cropped it out, because the Herald Sun is not the kind of newspaper that prints dishonest teasers.
Even funnier is that the article lists a long stream of jokes and wacky banter that O'Keefe indulged in on his TV show, which seem to show that he vacillates between finding the incident "highly unedifying" and "high-larious". In fact, if we're keeping a scorecard of his public comments on the bender, it looks something like this:
Heartfelt expressions of contrition: 1
Madcap japes: 7
But the real "story behind the story" here is the mysterious question on everyone's lips: presuming O'Keefe DID offer an apology, who exactly did he apologise to? The Chapel Street pavement for crawling too heavily on it? Internet video-surfers for the poor quality of the footage? Just who is the wounded party here from whom O'Keefe is begging forgiveness?
Perhaps the Herald Sun will offer an answer after the results come in from their Voteline, which asks readers to call in and respond to the question, Do you accept Andrew O'Keefe's apology for his drunken binge?
And you can just tell Andrew O'Keefe is on tenterhooks waiting for the results of that poll. It would crush him if he were to find out that a solid majority of random strangers who were not in any involved with or harmed by his conduct of his private life were holding a grudge against him for it.
Lucky the Herald Sun is there to keep us apprised of developments in stories like these. Imagine how uninformed we would be if, instead of the Herald Sun, we had some pathetic excuse for a newspaper that constantly filled entire pages with retarded stories about nothing?
Phew!
*I do not consider it a coincidence that Andrew O'Keefe's life ran off the rails a mere two and a half years after he kissed my hand on national television.
The funny thing is that in the story which begins "TV host Andrew O'Keefe has apologised for his boozy Chapel St bender late last year", at no point is there any apology quoted. He says he is "in no way proud" of his behaviour, but the "apology" which the Herald Sun assures us he offered is not in evidence. Weird. Some sub-editor must have cropped it out, because the Herald Sun is not the kind of newspaper that prints dishonest teasers.
Even funnier is that the article lists a long stream of jokes and wacky banter that O'Keefe indulged in on his TV show, which seem to show that he vacillates between finding the incident "highly unedifying" and "high-larious". In fact, if we're keeping a scorecard of his public comments on the bender, it looks something like this:
Heartfelt expressions of contrition: 1
Madcap japes: 7
But the real "story behind the story" here is the mysterious question on everyone's lips: presuming O'Keefe DID offer an apology, who exactly did he apologise to? The Chapel Street pavement for crawling too heavily on it? Internet video-surfers for the poor quality of the footage? Just who is the wounded party here from whom O'Keefe is begging forgiveness?
Perhaps the Herald Sun will offer an answer after the results come in from their Voteline, which asks readers to call in and respond to the question, Do you accept Andrew O'Keefe's apology for his drunken binge?
And you can just tell Andrew O'Keefe is on tenterhooks waiting for the results of that poll. It would crush him if he were to find out that a solid majority of random strangers who were not in any involved with or harmed by his conduct of his private life were holding a grudge against him for it.
Lucky the Herald Sun is there to keep us apprised of developments in stories like these. Imagine how uninformed we would be if, instead of the Herald Sun, we had some pathetic excuse for a newspaper that constantly filled entire pages with retarded stories about nothing?
Phew!
*I do not consider it a coincidence that Andrew O'Keefe's life ran off the rails a mere two and a half years after he kissed my hand on national television.
A New Year
and a New Matilda!
And just when you were asking yourselves, "how do I negotiate the tricky waters of gender relations in the modern world?"
And just when you were asking yourselves, "how do I negotiate the tricky waters of gender relations in the modern world?"
Sunday, December 21, 2008
BREAKING NEWS
I curse the fates that I did not hear about this sooner, but I think even now, it is my public duty to keep you informed of the situation.
From the Sea Lake and Wycheproof Times Ensign 11/12/08, momentous times at the Wycheproof Bowls Club, as it prepares for its "Christmas on the Rinks" event, with untold delights promised:
Barry Sterk will sing "A Wild Turkey in a Pear Tree", followed by "Cheeky" Coatsworth ’s paranoid plea "Do You Hear What I Hear?" By request, Steve Curry will reprise his last year ’s favourite, "Dick the Horse with Bags of Lollies".
YES! That was not a misprint, you read correctly!
DICK THE THE HORSE WITH BAGS OF LOLLIES!!!!!!
Why are you sitting there reading this? Get yourself to Wycheproof NOW!
From the Sea Lake and Wycheproof Times Ensign 11/12/08, momentous times at the Wycheproof Bowls Club, as it prepares for its "Christmas on the Rinks" event, with untold delights promised:
Barry Sterk will sing "A Wild Turkey in a Pear Tree", followed by "Cheeky" Coatsworth ’s paranoid plea "Do You Hear What I Hear?" By request, Steve Curry will reprise his last year ’s favourite, "Dick the Horse with Bags of Lollies".
YES! That was not a misprint, you read correctly!
DICK THE THE HORSE WITH BAGS OF LOLLIES!!!!!!
Why are you sitting there reading this? Get yourself to Wycheproof NOW!
Two Articles To Read Before You Die
If you were wondering what happened in the last year, you can catch up on it at my YEAR IN REVIEW at newmatilda.
Also of passing interest may be my take on Christmas in The Age. It's my first time in The Age, so I'm quite happy with that.
Also of passing interest may be my take on Christmas in The Age. It's my first time in The Age, so I'm quite happy with that.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Creepy Christians...
Just got a little bit creepier.
"SHE is only 16, but her parents believe a court carried out God's will when it said she could marry her 26-year-old boyfriend."
"The pair began courting when Lucinda was 14."
"They met seven years ago through her father, Greg Law, an elder of a 25- member band of vegetarian "independent Christians" who call themselves Manifold Ministries."
"Their love blossomed when Lucinda's father and Mr Ramsay began working together on an outreach program preaching against the "new-world order"."
"Mr Law said he noticed how attached his daughter had become to Mr Ramsay and decided to play matchmaker."
Healthy? I should say so!
"SHE is only 16, but her parents believe a court carried out God's will when it said she could marry her 26-year-old boyfriend."
"The pair began courting when Lucinda was 14."
"They met seven years ago through her father, Greg Law, an elder of a 25- member band of vegetarian "independent Christians" who call themselves Manifold Ministries."
"Their love blossomed when Lucinda's father and Mr Ramsay began working together on an outreach program preaching against the "new-world order"."
"Mr Law said he noticed how attached his daughter had become to Mr Ramsay and decided to play matchmaker."
Healthy? I should say so!
Friday, December 12, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
The Saddest Day
I have written about the horrifically compromised state of modern feminism.
When will the madness END?
When will the madness END?
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
HS Frolics 2
Interesting story in today's Herald Sun, in which the newspaper mounts a push to rob a single parent of his livelihood as he struggles to care for his terminally ill son.
They've put a slightly different spin on it, mind.
They've put a slightly different spin on it, mind.
Monday, November 24, 2008
HS frolics
The best part of the below story about Carl Williams's predilection for Celine Dion is the Herald Sun's clear implication that Williams is a plagiarist for using those lyrics in his death notice.
Today in the Herald Sun: Carl Williams - he kills, he sells drugs, but NOW, his latest outrage; HE STEALS LYRICS FROM POP SUPERSTARS!!!!!!
How low can you go, Carl? How low can you go?
Today in the Herald Sun: Carl Williams - he kills, he sells drugs, but NOW, his latest outrage; HE STEALS LYRICS FROM POP SUPERSTARS!!!!!!
How low can you go, Carl? How low can you go?
Sunday, November 23, 2008
The sensitive side of fat halfwit murderers
On the occasion of his mother's death, well-known gangland identity and incarcerated dugong Carl Williams has placed a touching death notice in Melbourne's Herald Sun, in which he quotes from Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me".
I think this probably shows our common humanity. Just because somebody is a mass murderer and druglord, doesn't mean he can't appreciate heartwarming balladry or powerful female vocal stylings.
We saw a similar case in Robert Trimbole's love of Gloria Estefan.
"You were my voice when I couldn't speak and strength when I was weak," Carl wrote. Presumably he is, indeed, as Dion sang, everything he is, because she loved him. Which is probably why she killed herself.
It's a sort of tragic footnote to the gangland war; we thought we had seen the last of violent bogans killing each other. Who knew they'd start killing themselves?
I think this probably shows our common humanity. Just because somebody is a mass murderer and druglord, doesn't mean he can't appreciate heartwarming balladry or powerful female vocal stylings.
We saw a similar case in Robert Trimbole's love of Gloria Estefan.
"You were my voice when I couldn't speak and strength when I was weak," Carl wrote. Presumably he is, indeed, as Dion sang, everything he is, because she loved him. Which is probably why she killed herself.
It's a sort of tragic footnote to the gangland war; we thought we had seen the last of violent bogans killing each other. Who knew they'd start killing themselves?
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Movies
You probably haven't heard about this, but Australian director Baz "Baz" Luhrmann has recently quietly sneaked a new movie into cinemas, with his usual humility and lack of fanfare. This movie is called "Australia", which is an odd title, given that the plot revolves around the power struggle between Frankish nobles of the 9th century.
Anyway, I've written about it my usual snide and abusive manner. Enjoy, my pets.
Anyway, I've written about it my usual snide and abusive manner. Enjoy, my pets.
Do you want to know a secret?
Ever wanted to know all about inner workings of the mysterious and erotic world of performance poetry?
BEHOLD! All is revealed in the most searingly revelatory blog since this one.
Add it to your list, you won't want to miss a minute.
BEHOLD! All is revealed in the most searingly revelatory blog since this one.
Add it to your list, you won't want to miss a minute.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
In recent news...
Christians have decided to see whether God has changed His policy on idols.
Yes, in order to persuade God to intercede in the world financial crisis, a group of Christians have prayed for economic relief before a statue of a golden bull.
Seriously, Christians?
SERIOUSLY?
Yes, in order to persuade God to intercede in the world financial crisis, a group of Christians have prayed for economic relief before a statue of a golden bull.
Seriously, Christians?
SERIOUSLY?
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Why Do You Hate Freedom?
I trash all that's good and decent.
But it's not all doom and gloom: the Prime Minister predicts a "tough, ugly and hard" future , as he looks ahead to his next midnight rendezvous with Michelle Grattan.
Ooh, BURN!
Meanwhile, the Australiian film industry in crisis - which may or may not be the same crisis it's been in the last thirty years - with the revelation that the combined box-office take of this year's AFI Best Picture nominees is less than that of Will Ferrell's Step Brothers.
Some see this as a sign that we need to get Australians "engaged back in Australian stories", in the words of Dee McLachlan, director of The Jammed.
Nobody ever sees this kind of story as a sign that Australians should make entertaining movies, but I guess that'd be a bit crass.
Speaking of being more entertaining than four Australian movies put together, LOOK:
I KNOW that guy!
But it's not all doom and gloom: the Prime Minister predicts a "tough, ugly and hard" future , as he looks ahead to his next midnight rendezvous with Michelle Grattan.
Ooh, BURN!
Meanwhile, the Australiian film industry in crisis - which may or may not be the same crisis it's been in the last thirty years - with the revelation that the combined box-office take of this year's AFI Best Picture nominees is less than that of Will Ferrell's Step Brothers.
Some see this as a sign that we need to get Australians "engaged back in Australian stories", in the words of Dee McLachlan, director of The Jammed.
Nobody ever sees this kind of story as a sign that Australians should make entertaining movies, but I guess that'd be a bit crass.
Speaking of being more entertaining than four Australian movies put together, LOOK:
I KNOW that guy!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Parents! Want the very best for YOUR kids?
Why not send them to exclusive Xavier College?
At Xavier, they'll not only develop the sense of superiority and privilege you're looking for, but they'll explore exciting new worlds of bullying, physical assault, heavy drinking, and property damage that will see them ready to enter the adult world as well-rounded, confident, boisterous Christian citizens.
Call NOW to find out how YOU can spend $16,000 a year to turn your son into a violent criminal.
Doesn't your child deserve the very best?
At Xavier, they'll not only develop the sense of superiority and privilege you're looking for, but they'll explore exciting new worlds of bullying, physical assault, heavy drinking, and property damage that will see them ready to enter the adult world as well-rounded, confident, boisterous Christian citizens.
Call NOW to find out how YOU can spend $16,000 a year to turn your son into a violent criminal.
Doesn't your child deserve the very best?
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
America? The Beautiful?
Want the facts about our mighty friend and ally?
Or would you rather read an ill-conceived piece of misinformed "humour" by me?
YOU DECIDE.
Or would you rather read an ill-conceived piece of misinformed "humour" by me?
YOU DECIDE.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
If there's one thing we need more of...
It's world leaders who can also teach you martial arts.
I want you think, just for a moment, about how futile it is for us to keep trying to maintain the supremacy of the West, in the face of Vladimir Putin, a man who is not only ruthless and ambitious, but who is a black belt in judo.
It should come in especial handy next time he rears his head over Alaska. I can see him, as he parachutes from his biplane into an Alaskan forest, beng confronted by Sarah Palin toting a 12-gauge and leading a crack battalion of Bear-Mounted Mooseketeers. "Surrender!" she'll screech, and Putin, with a wry smile, will flick the cigarette from his lips, crack his knuckles, and...
HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAAAAAHHH!
Take THAT, biatch!
I want you think, just for a moment, about how futile it is for us to keep trying to maintain the supremacy of the West, in the face of Vladimir Putin, a man who is not only ruthless and ambitious, but who is a black belt in judo.
It should come in especial handy next time he rears his head over Alaska. I can see him, as he parachutes from his biplane into an Alaskan forest, beng confronted by Sarah Palin toting a 12-gauge and leading a crack battalion of Bear-Mounted Mooseketeers. "Surrender!" she'll screech, and Putin, with a wry smile, will flick the cigarette from his lips, crack his knuckles, and...
HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAAAAAHHH!
Take THAT, biatch!
Monday, October 6, 2008
Dark Times
Why do people like sport? By people, I mean me. Some people hate sport. How lucky they are. Those people didn't want to kill themselves last night when the Storm lost the grand final by a record margin to the hairy miscreants of Manly, who provided the perfect send-off for club legend Steve "Beaver" Menzies, so-called because of his resemblance to a giant vagina.
Now that the football season has ended in crushing depression for my teams in three different codes, I shall turn my attention to cricket, which will undoubtedly see me even more suicidal.
Sport is STUPID.
Please leave your comments on the subject of why I should stop watching sport and take up scrapbooking below.
Now that the football season has ended in crushing depression for my teams in three different codes, I shall turn my attention to cricket, which will undoubtedly see me even more suicidal.
Sport is STUPID.
Please leave your comments on the subject of why I should stop watching sport and take up scrapbooking below.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Shocking
In today's Age, drooling pervert Peter Craven claims that a man might want to look at children even if he has no intention of raping them.
Such a display of immorality and illogic bodes ill for our arts community, who even now are plotting to sneak onto the set of Bindi The Jungle Girl and give her a good seeing-to.
Such a display of immorality and illogic bodes ill for our arts community, who even now are plotting to sneak onto the set of Bindi The Jungle Girl and give her a good seeing-to.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Cookies!
Cookies are great. But what's better is attacks on our way of life at New Matilda. Go read!
Also, remember my YouTube exploits? A comment has been placed there that I think actually sums me up pretty well, and it's pretty generous of him to offer to pinch my nipples. That's the kind of perks international stardom brings I suppose. "Anal warts", classic. So thank YOU, Cuttingedgecomiccrit, your support is appreciated.
In other news, my friend Helen Razer has unfortunately been sacked. I shouldn't comment too much, but really, Steven Berkoff is kind of a pretentious twat, isn't he?
Also, remember my YouTube exploits? A comment has been placed there that I think actually sums me up pretty well, and it's pretty generous of him to offer to pinch my nipples. That's the kind of perks international stardom brings I suppose. "Anal warts", classic. So thank YOU, Cuttingedgecomiccrit, your support is appreciated.
In other news, my friend Helen Razer has unfortunately been sacked. I shouldn't comment too much, but really, Steven Berkoff is kind of a pretentious twat, isn't he?
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Stay up to date with BPWWOO
Well, first of all, you can see how I sneer at those who have achieved success through hard work and ability here.
Secondly, if you go here, register with newmatilda and vote for your favourite cartoon in the New Matilda cartooning competition, you could win a FREE copy of my book, Handy Latin Phrases.
Thirdly, I've begun a weekly radio spot on Sydney community radio station 2SER. Every Wednesday I buzz in around 4:45 to chat with Ellice Mol. The callsign is 107.3 FM for Sydneyite, for everyone else you can listen to the station's live stream through the website.
And fourthly, Eoin Colfer is going to write a sixth instalment of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. As someone for whom HHGTTG is a major milestone in my life and development as a human being, and remains my favourite book/s, I am interested in your feedback.
In 50 words or less, tell me why YOU think Eoin Colfer should go burn his stupid face off with acid.
Secondly, if you go here, register with newmatilda and vote for your favourite cartoon in the New Matilda cartooning competition, you could win a FREE copy of my book, Handy Latin Phrases.
Thirdly, I've begun a weekly radio spot on Sydney community radio station 2SER. Every Wednesday I buzz in around 4:45 to chat with Ellice Mol. The callsign is 107.3 FM for Sydneyite, for everyone else you can listen to the station's live stream through the website.
And fourthly, Eoin Colfer is going to write a sixth instalment of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. As someone for whom HHGTTG is a major milestone in my life and development as a human being, and remains my favourite book/s, I am interested in your feedback.
In 50 words or less, tell me why YOU think Eoin Colfer should go burn his stupid face off with acid.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Dirty Bald Plagiarist
Ex-minister Michael Costa calls for the abolition of state governments.
Oh really, Michael? And just where did you get that idea?
Come clean Costa!
Oh really, Michael? And just where did you get that idea?
Come clean Costa!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Aren't you ashamed to be reading this crap?
Bob Durnan writes:
'If Ben Pobjie is a "satirist", then the noble art of satire has reached its nadir.
More likely that Ben is a wannabe satirist, with a tendency to indulge in extravagant sarcasm marked by the sterility of its wit, & NM either can’t tell the difference or can’t find anybody else to perk up its bulletins, so it ignores Ben’s serious lack of satirical talent and just prints his pieces for the sake of providing these tediously hamfisted attempts at humour.
That satirical subject matter as potentially rich as the behaviour of the NSW ALP can give rise to such predictable and unfunny lampoonery proves my point.
For more evidence of his perpetual inanity, just have a look at Ben’s blog.'
Hey, Bob Durnan, good for you. You've finally said what we're all thinking.
Bob Durnan, you're the REAL star!
'If Ben Pobjie is a "satirist", then the noble art of satire has reached its nadir.
More likely that Ben is a wannabe satirist, with a tendency to indulge in extravagant sarcasm marked by the sterility of its wit, & NM either can’t tell the difference or can’t find anybody else to perk up its bulletins, so it ignores Ben’s serious lack of satirical talent and just prints his pieces for the sake of providing these tediously hamfisted attempts at humour.
That satirical subject matter as potentially rich as the behaviour of the NSW ALP can give rise to such predictable and unfunny lampoonery proves my point.
For more evidence of his perpetual inanity, just have a look at Ben’s blog.'
Hey, Bob Durnan, good for you. You've finally said what we're all thinking.
Bob Durnan, you're the REAL star!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Get on board!
In today's Sydney Morning Herald letters, Ian Nicolson of Banora Point writes:
"England has had a poet laureate since Gulielmus Peregrinus, appointed by Richard Coeur de Lion in about 1189. There are official poets laureate in Scotland, Wales, Canada, the US, South Africa, plus a number of smaller countries, states and even US cities. Australia has no-one. Does this mean we are bereft of candidates for such an honour or, as a people, without appreciation of what is the noblest of all forms of art and culture?"
I agree! We NEED a poet laureate if we are to shrug off our entrenched philistinism.
And that's why I'm putting my hand up!
Spread the word! Agitate, write to your MP and your local paper, shout it from the rooftops, send me money and saucy photos! Every little helps!
Together, we can make ME poet laureate, and usher in Australia's New Golden Age!!!!
"England has had a poet laureate since Gulielmus Peregrinus, appointed by Richard Coeur de Lion in about 1189. There are official poets laureate in Scotland, Wales, Canada, the US, South Africa, plus a number of smaller countries, states and even US cities. Australia has no-one. Does this mean we are bereft of candidates for such an honour or, as a people, without appreciation of what is the noblest of all forms of art and culture?"
I agree! We NEED a poet laureate if we are to shrug off our entrenched philistinism.
And that's why I'm putting my hand up!
Spread the word! Agitate, write to your MP and your local paper, shout it from the rooftops, send me money and saucy photos! Every little helps!
Together, we can make ME poet laureate, and usher in Australia's New Golden Age!!!!
Dark Signs
Seen on a sign at San Churro Chocolateria:
"Hey, Dads love chocolate. Why not pick him up something special from San Churro? And while you're here, get a treat for yourself (he'll never know)."
Now, let's leave aside for a moment the implication that the ability to produce viable sperm is inextricably linked to a hunger for the derivations of the cacao bean ("My genes are transmitted. Now for a Mars Bar").
What I am interested in here is the suggestion that, if you are to go to San Churro to get a Father's Day confection for your dear old dad, and if while there you choose to indulge in a bit of the sweet stuff yourself, you are best advised to keep it to yourself.
What exactly are the consequences of your father finding out that you got something for yourself? Is San Churro saying that while Dad will be delighted to get chocolate as a gift, if he discovers that you had some chocolate of your own, there'll be hell to pay? Will Dad get violent? Will the situation be something like this:
Upon receiving chocolate:
Upon finding out that his child has also had chocolate:
I'm just really worried about all these unstable fathers going around ready to snap at the slightest suggestion their children have been eating chocolate.
"Hey, Dads love chocolate. Why not pick him up something special from San Churro? And while you're here, get a treat for yourself (he'll never know)."
Now, let's leave aside for a moment the implication that the ability to produce viable sperm is inextricably linked to a hunger for the derivations of the cacao bean ("My genes are transmitted. Now for a Mars Bar").
What I am interested in here is the suggestion that, if you are to go to San Churro to get a Father's Day confection for your dear old dad, and if while there you choose to indulge in a bit of the sweet stuff yourself, you are best advised to keep it to yourself.
What exactly are the consequences of your father finding out that you got something for yourself? Is San Churro saying that while Dad will be delighted to get chocolate as a gift, if he discovers that you had some chocolate of your own, there'll be hell to pay? Will Dad get violent? Will the situation be something like this:
Upon receiving chocolate:
Upon finding out that his child has also had chocolate:
I'm just really worried about all these unstable fathers going around ready to snap at the slightest suggestion their children have been eating chocolate.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
A Cause For Celebration
It's sometimes hard to process all of the different issues swirling about us in the world today. Trying to make sense of religion, and politics, and economics, entertainment, art, celebrity, the nature of good and evil. Such a bewildering array of information sources assail us today, giving contradictory views. It can induce intellectual and moral paralysis to make any attempt to discern the right way to think and to act.
With that in mind, it is a sweet and refreshing change when a development comes along that relieves us of the ambivalence and doubt plaguing our every step, and crystallises everything elegantly and beautifully.
So thank God, say I, for the news that on Wednesday some scientists are going to turn on a machine that will destroy the world.
The Large Hadron Collider is set to make all our worries and cares wonderfully irrelevant. So let's all sit back and relax.
First They Came For Carlton
New Matilda up now - and I've updated the links at the side to include more recent articles for your browsing pleasure. How dare you say I do nothing for you.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Blow, Girls, Blow!
Probably-respected Aboriginal academic Mark Rose has slammed the publishers of the Australian version of The Daring Book For Girls, because it shows girls how to play the didgeridoo.
Is this out of a negative assessment for the female lung capacity? No.
Is it a Jerry Lewis-style assertion that not only are women not funny, they're not gifted with woodwinds either? No.
Is it just brainless sexism wrapped up as cultural mystique? No.
The truth is far more terrible. Mark Rose is stricken with fear for poor girls who may attempt to carry out the Daring Book's instructions, because...
Playing the didgeridoo causes women to become infertile.
Yes! A barren fate awaits those girls who feel like quick tootle, says Dr Rose, demonstrating the calm reason and scientific thinking that marks him as a giant of academe.
The issue's got him in an absolute panic, so concerned is he for the fairer sex. Teaching a girl to play the didgeridoo is like encouraging her to play with razor blades, he says, although I must take issue with him here. If my daughter is to become infertile, better she do it with a didgeridoo than with razor blades. The didgeridoo, after all, won't cause flesh wounds, and at least she'll be able to amuse herself with music as she lives out her childless life and dies alone.
Rose says the publishers committed an "extreme cultural indiscretion". But I say it is YOU, doctor, who have committed the extreme indiscretion: you have caused Andrew Bolt to sound reasonable.
And that's unforgivable*.
*although I still can't quite see why Andrew thinks talking to whales is "oppressive"...
Is this out of a negative assessment for the female lung capacity? No.
Is it a Jerry Lewis-style assertion that not only are women not funny, they're not gifted with woodwinds either? No.
Is it just brainless sexism wrapped up as cultural mystique? No.
The truth is far more terrible. Mark Rose is stricken with fear for poor girls who may attempt to carry out the Daring Book's instructions, because...
Playing the didgeridoo causes women to become infertile.
Yes! A barren fate awaits those girls who feel like quick tootle, says Dr Rose, demonstrating the calm reason and scientific thinking that marks him as a giant of academe.
The issue's got him in an absolute panic, so concerned is he for the fairer sex. Teaching a girl to play the didgeridoo is like encouraging her to play with razor blades, he says, although I must take issue with him here. If my daughter is to become infertile, better she do it with a didgeridoo than with razor blades. The didgeridoo, after all, won't cause flesh wounds, and at least she'll be able to amuse herself with music as she lives out her childless life and dies alone.
Rose says the publishers committed an "extreme cultural indiscretion". But I say it is YOU, doctor, who have committed the extreme indiscretion: you have caused Andrew Bolt to sound reasonable.
And that's unforgivable*.
*although I still can't quite see why Andrew thinks talking to whales is "oppressive"...
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Don't Waste Men
I have written for newmatilda on the man drought. Please, be careful with your man-use. Try to save men at every opportunity. Don't let your unwanted men wash down the drain.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
In the Bendigo Advertiser, Mary-Anne Pool of Strathfieldsaye writes:
"Hands up all you Victorians out there who think the practice of child sacrifice to foreign gods is abhorrent.
Yep, that ’s what I thought. No one in this great state of ours would condone the slaughter of children as a sacrifice to the gods.
And yet, is not abortion the sacrifice of an unborn child to the gods of convenience and selfishness?"
....
Uh...
No, Mary-Anne, no it's not. Sorry, you...
FAIL
However, it may be true that letters to the editor of the Bendigo Advertiser are sort of like sacrifices to the gods of idiots.
"Hands up all you Victorians out there who think the practice of child sacrifice to foreign gods is abhorrent.
Yep, that ’s what I thought. No one in this great state of ours would condone the slaughter of children as a sacrifice to the gods.
And yet, is not abortion the sacrifice of an unborn child to the gods of convenience and selfishness?"
....
Uh...
No, Mary-Anne, no it's not. Sorry, you...
FAIL
However, it may be true that letters to the editor of the Bendigo Advertiser are sort of like sacrifices to the gods of idiots.
Issues - Think About It
Rounding up some opinions today:
Sticking it to private schools - good for the soul.
Also, you probably won't die from terrorism, but the government is screwing you.
And if you're in the mood for a laugh, see how an article about Australians' inability to take any criticism in the sphere of culture and the arts, inspired by the comments of a British music journalist, turns, in the comments, into a vicious and abusive bitchfight about Israel.
Sticking it to private schools - good for the soul.
Also, you probably won't die from terrorism, but the government is screwing you.
And if you're in the mood for a laugh, see how an article about Australians' inability to take any criticism in the sphere of culture and the arts, inspired by the comments of a British music journalist, turns, in the comments, into a vicious and abusive bitchfight about Israel.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Gather Up Your Bombs
So the Victorian government will probably legalise abortion sometime soon. The Bill has been put forward, it's being debated, and the odds look to be - just - with the pro-choice side.
Of course I mean "legalise" in the sense of "remove from the Crimes Act", rather than the sense of "allow to happen with no repercussions for those involved", since that's what happens already and has done for years.
This is, naturally, controversial, with the usual noises about baby-killing from the usual people, like Bill Muehlenberg, who is himself an excellent counter-argument to the "what if Beethoven had been aborted?" argument. And of course Mirko Bagaric has weighed in, saying abortion should be completely criminalised and nevr allowed under any circumstances; given his previous forays into public life, most likely he is worried that if we abort too many people, there won't be enough left to torture. Or maybe he is thinking, what if Tony Mokbel had been aborted? Then Mirko would have nobody to pay him large amounts of money to try to avoid the justice system. Oh, Mirko, how terrible that would be, and what a moral giant you truly are.
Pro-lifers are wheeling out the usual schtick: zygotes are people too, if something looks a bit like a baby it is one, culture of death, God God God etc.
The funny one is the argument that more people will have abortions now. Imagine all those girls, desperate for the fun and excitement of an abortion, who are prevented from having one now by the fact there is a never-enforced law against it. The minute it's no longer a crime they will rush out and fulfil their perverted abortionary lusts. Why wouldn't they? Abortion is something these kids do for kicks! So we mustn't make it legal. Let's keep things as they are, with abortion being available pretty much anytime anyone wants it, rather than changing things to make abortion available pretty much anytime anyone wants it. Otherwise the abortion rate will surely skyrocket!
It's sometimes hard, when I write, to decide whether to make jokes about a situation or simply put down the stream of bellowed obscenities running through my head when I listen to pro-lifers like Bill "Feel the Love" Muehlenberg.
This is the curious thing: here are people who believe the government is sanctioning murder. They think the aborted foetuses are in fact fully-fledged people. They think thousands upon thousands of children are being slaughtered every year. Wow, that's pretty awful. It's like Rwanda or something. Right here in our country. Better do something about it, right?
"Let's write a letter to the Herald Sun! That is LITERALLY how angry the issue makes me!"
Seriously? You think this is mass infanticide and you're writing letters? You're asking for Medicare funding to be withdrawn? Some of you, like Mirko, would even allow exceptions for victims of rape or incest and so forth.
Doesn't seem very moral of you, Mirko. You're willing to let children be killed because their mother was raped? That's terrible!
Imagine if people were taking their children to the doctors to have them killed. One-year-old, five-year-old, ten-year-old children. Imagine if this was approved by the government. Imagine if this happened thousands of times a year.
Horrible, yes?
This is what pro-lifers think is happening now. According to them, anyway. They say that's what it's all about: killing children who have as much right to life as any of us. Killing people. It's not, they say, about wanting to control women, or about wanting to punish those nasty sluts who get themselves pregnant because they can't keep their legs together. According to them, they believe that government-sanctioned homicide is occurring daily.
And they write letters and opinion pieces and have civilised debates about it, and argue over government funding, and how to "reduce the rate", and talk about the psychological effect on the woman, and say maybe it's OK to murder kids if mum got pregnant in an unpleasant way.
Seriously? If you think this is a slaughter of the innocents, you should be taking to the streets, screaming it long and loud, getting violent, doing everything you physically can to prevent the little kiddies being killed.
How can you sleep at night, pro-lifers, when you think of all the children being murdered and all you did to stop it was a fifty-word email? How do you sleep? Hey, you know it's happening; it's not going on a thousand miles away in the Third World. It's right here in your town. You can go down to the clinic, you can block the doorways, you can grab those potential pregnant murderers, take them away at gunpoint and hold them till they deliver. You can have a go at taking out the politicians who allow this with a sniper rifle. Sure, you could get hurt, you could get arrested, but don't you have to try?
In short, pro-lifers, blow up a clinic, or shut the fuck up.
Of course I mean "legalise" in the sense of "remove from the Crimes Act", rather than the sense of "allow to happen with no repercussions for those involved", since that's what happens already and has done for years.
This is, naturally, controversial, with the usual noises about baby-killing from the usual people, like Bill Muehlenberg, who is himself an excellent counter-argument to the "what if Beethoven had been aborted?" argument. And of course Mirko Bagaric has weighed in, saying abortion should be completely criminalised and nevr allowed under any circumstances; given his previous forays into public life, most likely he is worried that if we abort too many people, there won't be enough left to torture. Or maybe he is thinking, what if Tony Mokbel had been aborted? Then Mirko would have nobody to pay him large amounts of money to try to avoid the justice system. Oh, Mirko, how terrible that would be, and what a moral giant you truly are.
Pro-lifers are wheeling out the usual schtick: zygotes are people too, if something looks a bit like a baby it is one, culture of death, God God God etc.
The funny one is the argument that more people will have abortions now. Imagine all those girls, desperate for the fun and excitement of an abortion, who are prevented from having one now by the fact there is a never-enforced law against it. The minute it's no longer a crime they will rush out and fulfil their perverted abortionary lusts. Why wouldn't they? Abortion is something these kids do for kicks! So we mustn't make it legal. Let's keep things as they are, with abortion being available pretty much anytime anyone wants it, rather than changing things to make abortion available pretty much anytime anyone wants it. Otherwise the abortion rate will surely skyrocket!
It's sometimes hard, when I write, to decide whether to make jokes about a situation or simply put down the stream of bellowed obscenities running through my head when I listen to pro-lifers like Bill "Feel the Love" Muehlenberg.
This is the curious thing: here are people who believe the government is sanctioning murder. They think the aborted foetuses are in fact fully-fledged people. They think thousands upon thousands of children are being slaughtered every year. Wow, that's pretty awful. It's like Rwanda or something. Right here in our country. Better do something about it, right?
"Let's write a letter to the Herald Sun! That is LITERALLY how angry the issue makes me!"
Seriously? You think this is mass infanticide and you're writing letters? You're asking for Medicare funding to be withdrawn? Some of you, like Mirko, would even allow exceptions for victims of rape or incest and so forth.
Doesn't seem very moral of you, Mirko. You're willing to let children be killed because their mother was raped? That's terrible!
Imagine if people were taking their children to the doctors to have them killed. One-year-old, five-year-old, ten-year-old children. Imagine if this was approved by the government. Imagine if this happened thousands of times a year.
Horrible, yes?
This is what pro-lifers think is happening now. According to them, anyway. They say that's what it's all about: killing children who have as much right to life as any of us. Killing people. It's not, they say, about wanting to control women, or about wanting to punish those nasty sluts who get themselves pregnant because they can't keep their legs together. According to them, they believe that government-sanctioned homicide is occurring daily.
And they write letters and opinion pieces and have civilised debates about it, and argue over government funding, and how to "reduce the rate", and talk about the psychological effect on the woman, and say maybe it's OK to murder kids if mum got pregnant in an unpleasant way.
Seriously? If you think this is a slaughter of the innocents, you should be taking to the streets, screaming it long and loud, getting violent, doing everything you physically can to prevent the little kiddies being killed.
How can you sleep at night, pro-lifers, when you think of all the children being murdered and all you did to stop it was a fifty-word email? How do you sleep? Hey, you know it's happening; it's not going on a thousand miles away in the Third World. It's right here in your town. You can go down to the clinic, you can block the doorways, you can grab those potential pregnant murderers, take them away at gunpoint and hold them till they deliver. You can have a go at taking out the politicians who allow this with a sniper rifle. Sure, you could get hurt, you could get arrested, but don't you have to try?
In short, pro-lifers, blow up a clinic, or shut the fuck up.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Ah, student rebellion, you've come so far.
Remember when uni students were always getting crazy and standing up to the man and mocking the institutions of our society?
Macquarie University's student services organisation, U@MQ, has driven the editors of the uni's student newspaper to resignation by interfering with editorial decisions, sanitising stories and objecting to satire.
Hey, U@MQ, why you gotta be such dicks?
"Deirdre Anderson, the chief executive of U@MQ, said students were never forbidden to publish anything, but they were asked on several occasions to reconsider articles that some students might not appreciate."
Oh dear yes, Deirdre. Please continue on your ceaseless quest to prevent anyone not appreciating things.
I shall be starting a new charity, Humour Guides For Humanity.
HGFH's quest will be to provide all humourless folk across the land with their own Humour Guide, who will accompany them in public and point out to them when humour is being deployed, so that they do not suffer the embarrassment of looking like a complete Deirdre when they fail to recognise that something is a joke or satire. The Guides will also run group classes, where the afflicted can learn about humour and why it is a good thing to try to "get".
Give generously. It's not too late to save Macquarie Uni.
Macquarie University's student services organisation, U@MQ, has driven the editors of the uni's student newspaper to resignation by interfering with editorial decisions, sanitising stories and objecting to satire.
Hey, U@MQ, why you gotta be such dicks?
"Deirdre Anderson, the chief executive of U@MQ, said students were never forbidden to publish anything, but they were asked on several occasions to reconsider articles that some students might not appreciate."
Oh dear yes, Deirdre. Please continue on your ceaseless quest to prevent anyone not appreciating things.
I shall be starting a new charity, Humour Guides For Humanity.
HGFH's quest will be to provide all humourless folk across the land with their own Humour Guide, who will accompany them in public and point out to them when humour is being deployed, so that they do not suffer the embarrassment of looking like a complete Deirdre when they fail to recognise that something is a joke or satire. The Guides will also run group classes, where the afflicted can learn about humour and why it is a good thing to try to "get".
Give generously. It's not too late to save Macquarie Uni.
Deep Thoughts
Just a quick plug for a clever fellow. One should check him out if one is interested in thinking deeply about theology and philosophy and such.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Thangs
Incidentally, for those of you of a Victorian persuasion, I'll be performing at Thangs Cafe, 502 Lygon Street, East Brunswick, from 8pm on Thursday August 21. Also an open mic section for aspiring poets.
Australia: loves watersports
And so, what can we learn from the Olympics thus far? Australia currently sits on 11 gold medals, one behind Great Britain, but most of their medals don't actually count because they were won in silly meaningless sports like cycling and "49ers", which is a special kind of sailing where everybody gets in boats and travels back in time to the California goldrush. On the other hand, Australia has been winning medals in muscular, robust sports like "two person dinghy", where two people row a small wooden boat around and around in circles in a duck pond for several hours; and triathlon, a sport where small sinewy women put on big sunglasses and throw water on themselves.
The funny thing is, Australia has so far won all its gold medals in sports involving water, although Tamsyn Lewis has failed to make the 800m final despite looking a lot like a fish.
Most importantly, we have learnt from the media a valuable lesson in how to deal with a complete failure of conscious thought processes. When your neurons misfire and you literally cannot think of anything useful to say, the default "out" for the enterprising idiot is to simply blurt out any sentence beginning with the words "if Michael Phelps was a country".
"If Michael Phelps was a country he'd be fifth on the medals table"
"If Michael Phelps was a country he'd be well ahead of Australia, Canada and New Zealand"
"If Michael Phelps was a country he'd have lush green fields and a thriving agrarian economy"
"If Michael Phelps was a country he would strike quickly to secure the town of Gori"
Interestingly enough, if Tamsyn Lewis was a country she'd be dead last on the medal table and crippled by fire blight. And most of her citizens would be unemployed and clinically depressed.
Perhaps the most interesting element of the media coverage has been watching the press gradually come to the realisation that there are not as many good puns on Stephanie Rice's name as it seemed at first.
"Steaming Rice"..."Rice crackers"...er...."hot Rice?"
Seriously, "hot Rice?" That's not even a pun; ANYTHING can be hot! If "hot Rice" can be legitimately used as a pun, where will it end? Hot Diamond? Hot Callus? Hot Tomkins? That's just pathetic.
Thank God for Usain Bolt, who has allowed the sub-editors to move on from stupid rice puns and take up stupid bolt puns. "Nuts about Bolt"; "Bolt from the blue"; "Hot Bolt" etc.
Just wait till the Kookaburras hockey team takes gold. See how often "laughing kookaburras" are mentioned.
So let's all cheer for Sally McLellan in the hurdles, because I really want to see what sort of puns can be made on "McLellan".
The funny thing is, Australia has so far won all its gold medals in sports involving water, although Tamsyn Lewis has failed to make the 800m final despite looking a lot like a fish.
Most importantly, we have learnt from the media a valuable lesson in how to deal with a complete failure of conscious thought processes. When your neurons misfire and you literally cannot think of anything useful to say, the default "out" for the enterprising idiot is to simply blurt out any sentence beginning with the words "if Michael Phelps was a country".
"If Michael Phelps was a country he'd be fifth on the medals table"
"If Michael Phelps was a country he'd be well ahead of Australia, Canada and New Zealand"
"If Michael Phelps was a country he'd have lush green fields and a thriving agrarian economy"
"If Michael Phelps was a country he would strike quickly to secure the town of Gori"
Interestingly enough, if Tamsyn Lewis was a country she'd be dead last on the medal table and crippled by fire blight. And most of her citizens would be unemployed and clinically depressed.
Perhaps the most interesting element of the media coverage has been watching the press gradually come to the realisation that there are not as many good puns on Stephanie Rice's name as it seemed at first.
"Steaming Rice"..."Rice crackers"...er...."hot Rice?"
Seriously, "hot Rice?" That's not even a pun; ANYTHING can be hot! If "hot Rice" can be legitimately used as a pun, where will it end? Hot Diamond? Hot Callus? Hot Tomkins? That's just pathetic.
Thank God for Usain Bolt, who has allowed the sub-editors to move on from stupid rice puns and take up stupid bolt puns. "Nuts about Bolt"; "Bolt from the blue"; "Hot Bolt" etc.
Just wait till the Kookaburras hockey team takes gold. See how often "laughing kookaburras" are mentioned.
So let's all cheer for Sally McLellan in the hurdles, because I really want to see what sort of puns can be made on "McLellan".
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Wet Hot Beijing Summer
And so the Olympic Games are finally upon us. Some highlights so far:
- Australian Michael Rogers bravely coming sixth in the men's road race behind some rather insipid and dishonest foreigners.
- Australian Michael Diamond bravely coming fourth in the men's trap shoot behind some unhinged and dangerous overseas types.
- Polish volleyballer Anna Podolec's shorts.
These highlights had varying aftermaths. Rogers took his agonising and frankly unfair defeat with good grace and humour, whereas Diamond climbed the Great Wall and began picking off tourists, killing eighteen before turning his gun on himself. Podolec's shorts, on the other hand, are unlikely to end well.
The BIGGEST news, of course, is Aussie "golden girl" Stephanie Rice, who overcame the handicap of having to fit a swimming cap over sixty kilograms of hair to break a world record and claim gold in the women's 400m individual medley. Touchingly, Rice says that her family and friends are "among the most important things for her". Which is nice.
Not THE most important thing of course. Just among them. Somewhere above underwear commercials, but a little below wearing sexy policewoman costumes, on the importance scale.
But in any case, she did marvellously well, as did Aussie "golden girl" Libby Trickett", nee Lenton, who managed to win the 100m butterfly without once hiding from photographers inside a tent. For her efforts, Trickett will receive an Order of Australia Medal and a fine wedge of Swiss cheese to gnaw on. She celebrated her victory by hitting the bars of Beijing, where she spent the night lifting cars above her head and tearing bouncers apart with her bare hands.
Other observations from the Olympics' first few days:
- It only takes about seven minutes for judo to go from "why am I watching these two idiots make feeble attempts to grab each other's sleeves?" to "oh no, quick, grab her sleeve she's going to trip you now throw her OH NO SHE GOT YOU DOWN WE LOST!"
- A volleyball team's libero makes not much sense even after you've looked it up on Wikipedia.
- The designers of the cycling road race route, in what seems an eminently sensible approach, are intent on killing as many cyclists as possible.
All this and still so much more to go. Will Michael Phelps achieve his goal of forty gold medals by winning every swimming event, the synchronised diving and the heptathlon? Can Aussie "golden girl" Liesel Jones achieve the gold medal that has eluded her for so many years, sparing the world another four years' sulking? Are the coxless pairs as amusing as they sound? I for one cannot look away.
- Australian Michael Rogers bravely coming sixth in the men's road race behind some rather insipid and dishonest foreigners.
- Australian Michael Diamond bravely coming fourth in the men's trap shoot behind some unhinged and dangerous overseas types.
- Polish volleyballer Anna Podolec's shorts.
These highlights had varying aftermaths. Rogers took his agonising and frankly unfair defeat with good grace and humour, whereas Diamond climbed the Great Wall and began picking off tourists, killing eighteen before turning his gun on himself. Podolec's shorts, on the other hand, are unlikely to end well.
The BIGGEST news, of course, is Aussie "golden girl" Stephanie Rice, who overcame the handicap of having to fit a swimming cap over sixty kilograms of hair to break a world record and claim gold in the women's 400m individual medley. Touchingly, Rice says that her family and friends are "among the most important things for her". Which is nice.
Not THE most important thing of course. Just among them. Somewhere above underwear commercials, but a little below wearing sexy policewoman costumes, on the importance scale.
But in any case, she did marvellously well, as did Aussie "golden girl" Libby Trickett", nee Lenton, who managed to win the 100m butterfly without once hiding from photographers inside a tent. For her efforts, Trickett will receive an Order of Australia Medal and a fine wedge of Swiss cheese to gnaw on. She celebrated her victory by hitting the bars of Beijing, where she spent the night lifting cars above her head and tearing bouncers apart with her bare hands.
Other observations from the Olympics' first few days:
- It only takes about seven minutes for judo to go from "why am I watching these two idiots make feeble attempts to grab each other's sleeves?" to "oh no, quick, grab her sleeve she's going to trip you now throw her OH NO SHE GOT YOU DOWN WE LOST!"
- A volleyball team's libero makes not much sense even after you've looked it up on Wikipedia.
- The designers of the cycling road race route, in what seems an eminently sensible approach, are intent on killing as many cyclists as possible.
All this and still so much more to go. Will Michael Phelps achieve his goal of forty gold medals by winning every swimming event, the synchronised diving and the heptathlon? Can Aussie "golden girl" Liesel Jones achieve the gold medal that has eluded her for so many years, sparing the world another four years' sulking? Are the coxless pairs as amusing as they sound? I for one cannot look away.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
The Burdens Of Office
I think possibly the most amusing thing about the current Collingwood footballers drink-driving saga - and there is plenty there to choose from - is that Eddie McGuire, when berating the playing group, told them that being president of Collingwood had cost him "four or five Gold Logies".
I suppose at this time we should take the opportunity to express our gratitude to the Collingwood Football Club for sparing us this.
He also apparently told Ben Johnson he was fat, which seems to me a little off-topic, like he became incoherent with rage and simply started spouting off random insults.
"You embarrassed me and you embarrassed the club and you're stupid and you've got to grow up and I just...I just...you're fat...you're fat and you're stupid and shut up and and and you smell and I HATE YOU!"
I suppose at this time we should take the opportunity to express our gratitude to the Collingwood Football Club for sparing us this.
He also apparently told Ben Johnson he was fat, which seems to me a little off-topic, like he became incoherent with rage and simply started spouting off random insults.
"You embarrassed me and you embarrassed the club and you're stupid and you've got to grow up and I just...I just...you're fat...you're fat and you're stupid and shut up and and and you smell and I HATE YOU!"
Saturday, August 2, 2008
The Measure of a Man
Here's a question: What do Adolf Hitler, Mao Tse Tung, Ernest Hemingway and Sarah Bernhard have in common?
Answer: they all have their own Wikipedia page.
Another answer: they are all more famous than me.
These things, I can't help thinking, are connected.
Of course, I can't make my own Wikipedia page for two reasons:
1) it would make me look slightly more desperate than this blog post does, and
2) I don't really know much about myself.
With any luck somebody will write my Wikipedia page soon, including the unsubstantiated rumour about my sordid rendezvous with Holly Robinson. Who, incidentally, has her own Wikipedia page. Feel free to edit it to mention my sordid rendezvous with her.
With any luck, once this little matter is sorted out, I will quickly become as famous as Hitler, or at least as famous as this guy. My activities are not as dramatic as his, but they do often seem to have just as little justification.
Incidentally, those of a Melbourne persuasion might want to come to the Bat Slam at Bar Open, 317 Brunswick Street Fitzroy this Wednesday night. A poetry slam with a Batman theme, I shall be there getting a shamelessly low score from ignorant judges, and the marvellous Geoff Lemon will be the feature performer. Fun times.
Answer: they all have their own Wikipedia page.
Another answer: they are all more famous than me.
These things, I can't help thinking, are connected.
Of course, I can't make my own Wikipedia page for two reasons:
1) it would make me look slightly more desperate than this blog post does, and
2) I don't really know much about myself.
With any luck somebody will write my Wikipedia page soon, including the unsubstantiated rumour about my sordid rendezvous with Holly Robinson. Who, incidentally, has her own Wikipedia page. Feel free to edit it to mention my sordid rendezvous with her.
With any luck, once this little matter is sorted out, I will quickly become as famous as Hitler, or at least as famous as this guy. My activities are not as dramatic as his, but they do often seem to have just as little justification.
Incidentally, those of a Melbourne persuasion might want to come to the Bat Slam at Bar Open, 317 Brunswick Street Fitzroy this Wednesday night. A poetry slam with a Batman theme, I shall be there getting a shamelessly low score from ignorant judges, and the marvellous Geoff Lemon will be the feature performer. Fun times.
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