WEDNESDAY HOROSCOPES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CANCER: Music will play a big part in your life this week, as a terrible accident will render you deaf. As your will to live slowly drains away, the comfort you once gained from music will be utterly absent. Later you may win a small scratchie prize.

SCORPIO: For many years you have worried that your past sins will catch up to you and shatter your peaceful existence. This week it finally happens and is surprisingly uneventful.

AQUARIUS: The birth of your first child brings much joy to your life this week especially as you've yet to find out your actual child was swapped with the child of a demon.

ARIES: You'll fall off a horse a LOT. I'm not going to lie to you: you won't enjoy it.

SAGITTARIUS: Spiritual matters dominate for you, a major frustration given everyone around you is obsessed by marbles. Some days it seems as if things are never going to get any better, while other days it seems as if things are never going to get any better. It's that kind of repetition that makes your life unbearable. Early on Monday morning you will think you've seen Jesus, but actually it's a chicken. Life is full of disappointments. Ask your mum.

TAURUS: Nobody likes you, which you've learnt to come to terms with, but it really seems like you're cursed this week, when a sheep falls off a truck and crushes your spine.

CAPRICORN: Everything tastes sort of crunchy this week. You don't realise until pretty late that it's that one of your teeth has fallen out and has been rolling loose in your mouth for days. I knew you were dumb but this is something else.

GEMINI: A serious boating accident leaves you questioning everything you thought you knew. You find solace in the arms of another Gemini who also suffered a serious boating accident. Later your dog dies but you won't find its body until next year in particularly gruesome circumstances.

LIBRA: Why not settle in with a good book? There is nothing for you out there anymore. Trust me.

VIRGO: A biography of Oliver Cromwell assumes peculiar significance this week, thanks to a chance encounter with a woman who claims to be the grandmother of former AFL umpire Peter Carey. A nasty rash brings new career opportunities, which you squander due to your alcoholism. Later in the week you finally admit to yourself that you are an alcoholic. This is why you imagined all the stuff in this paragraph.

PISCES: A headbutt from a Senator makes your wedding anniversary special, but not in the way you'd hoped. Your impotence continues.

LEO: A lot of people say they don't care what other people think, but you genuinely mean it. Hence your lonely death, unmourned by even your immediate family. A terrible waste of a life. Yet all self-inflicted. It's sad, but also disgusting. Also you'll have a bit of luck at bingo.

MONDAY HOROSCOPES!

Find out what YOUR week has in store, based on something to do with stars or planets or stuff!



ARIES: Wednesday holds many mysteries - wear something waterproof. A chance encounter with an old friend will leave your hand sticky and you not knowing why. At some point during this week you will collide with a cow. Don't overreact.


TAURUS: Your hair is too long and you must get it cut. You look like a damn scarecrow. Around lunchtime on Friday your mother will probably either die or kill someone. Don't try to stop her, she is a grown woman with the right to her own choices.


GEMINI: Just as your sign is the Twins, you will give birth to twins sometime tomorrow. This may come as a shock if you didn't know you were pregnant or if you were a man. But this isn't about you. Think of the children. On the weekend you will abandon them at a fire station. This may haunt you in later life, though I won't know for sure till next week's horoscope.


CANCER: You have eaten too much and will regret it. Your job is unsatisfying, but a ray of light emerges this week when your boss is impaled on a fence.


LEO: A trip to the movies may provide more than just entertainment when you are attacked by a tiger quoll. The facial reconstructive surgery goes badly and you live out a bitter, hate-filled existence in the shadows of your decrepit home. Be frugal with money; your lucky colour is green.


VIRGO: Your new job as editor of the motoring section of a major Sunday newspaper hits a snag when you lose the use of both your arms. On the upside, a strange man agrees to marry your father.


LIBRA: Your poor dress sense will get you in trouble, as will your friend Marvin. Stay away from cats and asbestos removal technicians. Money problems may rear their ugly head, as will your friend Marvin.


SCORPIO: You get some good news from home, which is immediately retracted. You deserve some pampering - why not visit a spa? There is a very good reason in fact why you shouldn't visit a spa, but it's a secret. Remember to thank the trustworthy people in your life for being trustworthy and to spit on the others. You may be accosted by a beggar mid-week. Bear in mind that nobody will even care if he is murdered.


SAGITTARIUS: Just as the shark must keep on swimming, or else he'll die, you must keep swimming, or that shark behind you will eat you. Stop reading this and swim.


CAPRICORN: If you are truly honest with yourself, you will admit that you are extremely racist. There is nothing to be ashamed of, but you should probably go away for a while.


AQUARIUS: Try not to walk under low-hanging branches, as the moon is in Venus and this indicates that monkey attacks will be a real problem. For those on the cusp there are many topical creams which can address the issue. Be kind to your parents this week, as they do not know the terrible news their doctor is hiding from them. Don't be kind to your grandparents though, as they are fervent supporters of fracking.


PISCES: Large, expensive dinners will catch up with you when you are arrested for stealing food, a common trait amongst Pisces. Avoid oily fish and books about the cultures of central Asia. If a woman you've never seen before offers you a tube of liquid cement, my advice is to take it.