BACHELOR RECAP: PIES, POLO AND PUPPIES

We begin with a preview of tonight's episode, in which Laurina will be extremely disappointed with the way her life has gone and not before time. We then move on to the now-traditional moment where Amber says she really really wants to go on a date. Osher enters and says there'll be no group date. Amber takes the opportunity to catch some flies with her mouth, and then moves on to bitching about the other women. How does Amber cope with not living in a house full of women, with nobody to constantly complain about?

The others think the new girls will be picked to go on dates. "I haven't been on a single date and all my friends think I won't, that's great," says Amber in a particularly nasty tone of voice; which is to say, her normal tone of voice. If only she knew that she's mistaken: she has no friends.

Off goes Same, who hasn't had any quality time with Blake lately - here we are working on the assumption that "quality time with Blake" is even a concept that has any meaning. Every time Sam is around Blake, she feels nervous, which is probably normal when you associate with sociopaths.

Sam doesn't know what Blake has planned, so it'll come as a surprise when she finds out he has nothing planned - all the planning was done by the show's producers. What THEY have planned is a ride in a helicopter, which I'm pretty sure has been done before but I guess when you have access to a helicopter you need to get as much use as possible out of it.

The helicopter lands at the Sydney Polo Club. "I'm definitely a country girl," says Sam, taking on the challenge of self-identification with gusto. Apparently being from the country means you're used to hanging around in clubs for incredibly rich city people.

Blake and Sam sit on the grass and eat strawberries and Sam talks about how vulnerable and scared she is, because that's her sole personality trait. Blake is so happy she felt ready to open up to him. "Our relationship is really progressing," he says enthusiastically, excited about another woman he gets to feel up before getting rid of her once he's bored.

Laurina thinks Sam may be too young for Blake "if he's looking for a woman". It's pretty amazing the way Laurina has identified fatal flaws in every woman in the house except herself. Her perceptiveness is stunning.

"I wanna know how far we can go," says Blake, hastily adding "in our relationship" when he remembers he's not supposed to admit he's just there to get laid. Apparently it's getting easier for Blake to imagine a future with Sam. She's, like, third or fourth now on his list of women he can imagine a future with. He's doing so much future-imagining he's like the Nostradamus of sleazy dickwits.

"It's an awesome feeling to know that he likes me," says Sam, her low self-esteem screaming with pleasure at all the attention. Blake wants Sam to know that she's definitely "in this"; as a smooth operator, Blake knows that what every woman most wants to hear is that she's got some kind of chance of being picked ahead of all the other women he likes.

Then they kiss and it's a magical moment and time seems to stand still a lot like when Blake kissed all those other chicks.

Back at the mansion the women are talking total nonsense in accordance with their contracts.

Now time for Blake's date with Lauren, the first "new girl" he's taken on a date. He just wants to know if there's chemistry between them, so he can decide whether all that crap he was saying to Sam earlier is worth going on with, or if he should say it to Lauren instead. Blake has taken Lauren out for Italian, which is a pretty original idea I reckon. They have spaghetti, as part of Blake's plan to humiliate Lauren.

Blake is weirded out by the fact Lauren has never been in a long-term relationship. People who've never been in long-term relationships sicken him. He, personally, has been in hundreds, most of them simultaneously. Meanwhile Lauren senses a real genuineness about Blake, which is fair enough: The Bachelor is one of the few places you can find a man who is totally honest about the fact he's cheating on you with multiple partners.

"Thank you for coming along on this Italian adventure," says Blake, vastly exaggerating the properties of a bowl of spaghetti, as he gives Lauren a rose, and she, brainwashed by an artificial romantic ideal, accepts it.

Time for Blake's date with Laurina. Sam doesn't really consider Laurina a major threat, because she's met Laurina.

Laurina doesn't know what Blake has planned, but has dressed up extremely fancy because a producer with a sense of humour told her to. Laurina thinks it would be pretty good if Blake had a private jet lined up, because she's mistaken being a Bachelor contestant with being Marilyn Monroe.

Blake wants to know if Laurina can "throw caution to the wind and enjoy a more simplistic date", or in other words, he hates Laurina and wants her to be unhappy. Which she is. "That's unacceptable," says Laurina, in reference to the fact that Blake has taken her bowling. "Hashtag clown shoes with a cocktail dress. Hashtag awkward," she fumes, having learnt to say "hashtag" out loud from her favourite book, Making Everyone On Earth Hate You For Dummies.

Laurina starts to enjoy the bowling, having realised that Blake doesn't put out for pouters. The pair strike a wager: if Laurina wins bowling, Blake will give her a romantic dinner; if Blake wins, he gets to throw her into a landfill. Laurina wins, which means she's about to be disappointed again.

Laurina says she's hoping the place Blake takes her will be cocktail attire-appropriate. Blake chuckles darkly, much like a homicidal maniac might. Because he is taking her to a pie shop. It's Harry's Cafe de Wheels, one of Sydney's most iconic locations. Blake claims he's been waiting to visit for years, which is a bit weird because it's a very easy place to go to if you actually want to.

Laurina is not happy she's been taken out for a pie, beginning to suspect that Blake is enjoying her suffering which to be fair he is. She is furious that other women have gotten yachts and planes and fancy dinners, while she gets "a dirty street pie". But it's a funny coincidence, because in high school Laurina was voted Most Likely To Eat And/Or Be Referred To As A Dirty Street Pie.

Blake feels his date has backfired, as he giggles on the inside. "Time to get this date back on track," he says, hopefully meaning he is about to tie Laurina to a railroad. Actually what he's going to do is give Laurina a puppy, as a metaphor for how he feels about her personality.

It's Laurina's own puppy, which means Blake has broken into her house and kidnapped her dog.

Back at the house, Amber is furious that Laurina's dog got a date, and she hasn't, because Amber doesn't really understand how this show works. It seems unlikely that it's the first time a man has chosen a dog over her though, so she can't be that shocked.

"I feel sorry for Amber," smiles Blake's favourite Jess, who always has sympathy for the underprivileged in society.

At the cocktail party, it's the birthday of one of the new girls but I don't know her name. It's the one who's a bit like the netball one I think. It's pretty hard to care, I think you'll agree. Oh her name is Rachel maybe?

It's not important: what's important is that Amber is having a sulk. This isn't news, of course, it's just the continuation of a trend that began in the early 90s. Blake comes in and asks Laurina to go for a walk with him, mainly because so Amber knows he doesn't want to go for a walk with her. Blake wants to clear up some issues regarding their date. Laurina admits she was a pain in the arse, but she's only referring to the date, not to the entire rest of her life. She feels pretty remorseful for judging Blake so harshly before she found out he was a dog-thief.

Blake returns and asks Jess to go for a walk. "Are you kidding me?" says Amber for the eightieth time this series. It becomes clear that Blake's family and Amber's family are participants in a centuries-old feud, and Blake has only entered the show in order to take his revenge.

Finally Blake asks Amber for a chat. He wants to tell Amber exactly how he feels, possibly with the aid of colourful graphs and a recording of hyenas laughing. He needs Amber to understand that although she's yet to have a single date with him, he considers her to be one of the most special crazy vicious skanks that he has ever been told by the executive producer to not send home too early.

Blake begins by talking to Amber for a very long time without saying anything, but eventually gets to the point. "I think you are an incredible woman," he lies, before telling her that there is no connection between them and he never wants to see her again. So weird how the incredible women are always the ones that Blake doesn't like. Blake doesn't want to put her through another rose ceremony: he thinks it wouldn't be fair to her, or to his own desire to not look at her goddamn face anymore.

Back at the mansion, Osher emerges once again from his basement lair. He tells the ladies that Blake has just kicked the rungs out of Amber's love ladder. The women's reactions run the gamut from not giving a shit, to not giving a shit but acting like they do.

The bonus for the remaining women, of course, is that since Blake just took Amber out to the garden and then put her in a car, all her possessions are still in the house to be divvied up. Meanwhile Amber herself is driven off a nearby cliff, and we are promised that tomorrow night Blake will continue preferring Jess to everyone else and Laurina will continue objecting to everything that happens.

Below: Blake and Laurina enjoy a tender moment together

The Bachelor Recap: Choppers, Campers, and Wing Defence

Previously on The Bachelor, Holly never had a man go to so much trouble for her, and by "man" she meant "television production crew". Also Laurina was the target of anger from everyone in the mansion/country.

Tonight, we look forward to the continuation of this year's theme: "women who Ben can't remember the names of".

The episode begins with Blake playing basketball and hoping that the woman he spends the rest of his life with will be amongst this group of ladies, because if he has to fund another series out of his own pocket it will put a major strain on his finances.

Meanwhile, nobody is playing basketball at the mansion, but Osher, who is still fighting his brave battle against the hairdo that threatens to eat his head, comes in with an envelope. Amber is hoping the envelope is to ask her on a date, because she hasn't been on a date yet, but actually it is Lisa who the envelope asks, "Do you feel the need for speed?" Yes, Blake is taking Lisa to do some amphetamines together.

"Oh my god it's Blake!" exclaims Lisa as Blake comes into view - she had no idea he'd be coming to their date. Blake is standing in front of a helicopter, which is terrifying for Lisa, who is afraid of heights. "I'm going to have to jump out of a plane!" she exclaims, never having learnt the difference between a plane and a helicopter.

Up in the air, they experience the kind of romance that you can only get through a static-riddled conversation over radio headphones. The helicopter lands in the Hunter Valley and Lisa gets on Blake's back as her legs stopped working or something.

Then they both get in planes - separate planes, as they are not yet married - and the planes fly around and do some tricks for a bit and they have more static-filled romantic conversations, which are if anything even more romantic for the fact they are not in the same cockpit.

Blake informs us that in a partner he looks for someone who is "up for anything", and so he now takes Lisa to watch the movie "Donkey Punch".

Sorry, misheard, it's actually LUNCH they're going to.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Sam wants to clear the air with Laurina, and some misguided producer has decided that there are viewers out there who care. Sam tries to explain where she was coming from, but Laurina wants to explain how Sam is wrong about everything, but Sam wants to explain how in fact Laurina can shove her opinion up her weaselhole, which causes Laurina to explain how she has a very tight, shiny face.

Back to the date, where Blake is now carrying Lisa in his arms. The two are clearly very very compatible - Lisa's love of not walking complements Blake's desire to carry human beings around perfectly.

"We've spent a lot of time together today, haven't we?" says Lisa, slowly gaining a dim comprehension of the mechanisms of dating.

Apparently they are dining at Blake's favourite restaurant, and indeed Blake's mannerisms and body language suggest that he has possibly been there at some point previously in his life. Maybe it was even as a customer.

Back at the mansion another envelope has arrived and Amber is still bitching. The missive says "Better out than in", meaning Blake is going to take the girls on a vomiting trip.

At this point we are made aware that there is a woman called "Stacey-Louise" on the show, which comes as quite a shock to us all. Also "Shana", apparently.

Amber still doesn't get to go on a date. She is very angry about this and complains in a pretty attractive way, so probably Blake will want to take her on a date soon so he can get to experience her whininess close up.

On the date, Lisa is explaining how her father is a loveably oppressive tyrant and Blake subtly tries to determine whether he is likely to be murdered if he pursues this relationship. Blake then asks Lisa whether she's been in love before. Lisa explains that she hasn't been in love, but she has had a lot of experience in saying nonsensical, confusing sentences.

Blake tells us that he can sense that Lisa has a lot of love in her and around her and sort of clinging to her clothes and dripping off her hair and running out of her nose.

We now go back to the house to see what the much-hyped devastating phone call to Holly from her mum is all about. It turns out that it's about Ten pretty much lying to us: her mum has called to tell her that she has been chosen to play in the Australian Netball League and this is a problem for some reason that is not specifically elaborated. I guess it's because we all know no man would ever want a long-term relationship with a netballer.

While Holly agonises about the choice between positional bibs and muscly enormous-toothed men, Blake and Lisa eat chocolate in a room full of far too many candles to constitute a fire-safe workplace. Then they kiss and Blake tells us that it was a really beautiful moment, possibly even as beautiful as the moments in the last few days when he kissed other women, and with luck, almost as beautiful a moment as the moments to come when he will kiss even more women. There is no doubt that the romance of systematically cycling through a series of women's lips is really hitting home.

Back at the mansion, someone is playing a guitar with amazing enthusiasm, and Lisa enters to shove her rose in everyone's face. Amber hates her with a passion. All the ladies show an amazing ability to smile despite their explosive rage. Lisa thinks her kiss with Blake was Blake's first kiss on the show, which is pretty funny.

Jess gloats about how actually Blake's first kiss was with her. She kept it a secret because it was so special, although surely every passing day makes it clear how untrue that is.

The next day Blake takes his selected group daters out into the woods. Osher, whose hair is now entirely computer-generated in post-production, explains that they are going on a camping trip, just like the movie "Deliverance". Blake and the ten ladies head into the wilderness, with only their backpacks and the camera crew and the producer.

Blake finds it interesting what order the women walk in, which tells you a lot about how interesting Blake is. Kara walked at the front, which she thinks is her leadership skills coming out, but then she's not a thinker.

Back at the mansion, Jess is wondering whether other girls' dates were as special as hers. I guess we'll never know.

At this stage it becomes very obvious that there are far too many women on this show. Nobody can keep track of all of them.

They arrive at the campsite, which Blake thinks is as good a place as any to set up camp especially given the producer just told him to stop and set up camp here. It is no doubt a beautiful unspoiled piece of native wilderness even though it actually looks a bit like someone's driveway.

"All I can think about is Blake, netball, Blake, netball, and it's really distracting me," Holly confides, and that's understandable: I'd be distracted by such a boring train of thought too. Holly has a big decision to make for reasons which remain unclear - netball or a man she doesn't really know? The eternal dilemma.

That night, Blake proposes a toast to the outdoors, which is a bit weird. Would you trust this man enough to go to sleep in a forest near him?

Blake takes Zoe off for a one-on-one chat. Zoe tells Blake she sense there are many layers to the Blake onion, inasmuch as he makes everyone cry and can be unpleasant to find in your hamburger. Blake, honoured to be compared to a bulb vegetable, offers Zoe a rose. And so, naturally, it is time for truth or dare, a game which is as uncomfortable and awkward as it is dull and tedious. Blake is asked whether he prefers blondes or brunettes, and fails to give the correct answer, ie: "Don't be such a dickhead".

Blake, asked why he decided to be on The Bachelor, finds the inner courage to confess that he believes that things happen for a reason. Presumably one of those things that happen for a reason is getting the chance to make out with a big stack of hot chicks. He then gives Alana a rose, despite her oversized beanie and a slightly aggressive attitude. Some other women are jealous and consider Alana a threat. I don't know which women they were, I assume they have names of some kind.

Holly is feeling very unwell because of the netball thing. She's been waiting her whole life to play professional netball, even though it says "pro netballer" on screen under her name, so whether she already is or isn't playing professional netball is a bit up in the air. But suffice to say she has received a netball opportunity, one of those netball opportunities that you just refer to as "a netball opportunity" without ever going into any detail about it at all. She tells Blake about her netball opportunity, this opportunity which would allow her to play netball, and the strict rule that Australian netball authorities have against their players competing in prime time dating shows. It is a very tense moment so Blake and Holly cut to an ad to assist with the suspense. Both of them are shocked to hear the news about Choices Flooring.

We cut back to the show, where the same thing that just happened happens again in case we've forgotten. Holly admits that she cannot walk away from netball, which technically is not what she was being asked to do, but anyway, she is leaving to chase that netball opportunity which will provide her with a great opportunity in the field of netball, one of the best netball opportunities in her entire career of having opportunities and playing netball.

Holly tells the other women of her decision, making it quite clear that it involves netball and an opportunity, and the women bravely pretend to be sorry to see her go. And so off Holly goes, leaving only one question to be answered: why was it her mother who rang to tell her about the netball opportunity? Is it usual for Netball Australia to communicate via mother?

Back at the mansion, it's cocktail party time, and it's time for Amber to hate Laurina's guts and to say "keep your friends close and your enemies closer", which is something people often say in order to let everyone know that you don't really know what it means. She is not, in fact, keeping Laurina close at all: Laurina hates her too. Laurina thinks Amber is a troublemaker, in that Amber took Blake outside to talk to him when Laurina wanted to go outside to talk to him. Amber is quite proud of her "sneakiness", a sneakiness which consists entirely of standing near the door and saying "LET'S GO OUTSIDE" as soon as he enters the room.

Blake comes back in to say he wants to talk to Laurina, which proves that this is a staged, unreal show: nobody wants to talk to Laurina. Blake and Laurina discuss sparkling wine. Laurina tells Blake she wants a "wild spirit and a tame heart", a phrase almost, but not quite, as meaningful as the mating call of the common hyena.

It's roses time, which means Osher arrives to tell everyone what they already know and valiantly fight off the savage advances of his hair. Two women must leave the mansion tonight, with not even the consolation of a netball opportunity to take with them.

A woman who I don't know the name of is very confident, and keeps saying so, so probably she'll have to leave. Anita isn't confident - she feels like she's still speaking to someone she's just met, though to be fair that's only because that is exactly what she's been doing. But win or lose, one thing is certain: before this contest is over, Anita will cut a bitch.

And so Blake hands out a bunch of roses and oh Anita gets one, so her inevitable murder spree will have to wait. Jessica gets one too, allowing her to continue her deluded fantasy that her date was special.

Blake gives Katrina a rose. Katrina asks him to show her more interest next week. Blake looks at her in the manner of a man who has just been asked to donate his penis to a museum. Katrina giggles in a way both endearing and severely deranged, and trots away, safe in the knowledge that Blake never wants to talk to her again for as long as he lives.

Oh the confident one was "Stacey-Louise" I think. She doesn't get a rose. She can go straight to hell as far as Blake is concerned. Also Charlotte, who was apparently on the show, is now not on the show. On the ride home Charlotte is devastated, but she hopes that one day she can find the strength to once again go on a game show. Meanwhile Stacey-Louise thinks something better is waiting for her around the corner, but that seems unlikely.

Next week on The Bachelor, Blake and Sam eat popcorn and Sam can't believe something or other, while Amber keeps bitching constantly.


Below: Blake and Lisa on their date

The Bachelor Recap: Snow, Bridesmaids, and Models

We begin, of course, with the traditional recap of last night's action, in which we are reminded that twenty-four women we had no connection with met one man we had no connection with, and then some of them went home.

We are then shown Blake on a boat. It's only just occurred to him that one of the contestants could be his future wife. Only just. It only just occurred to him that the premise of The Bachelor is indeed the premise of The Bachelor.

Meanwhile at the house, Chantal would like to get to know Blake more, whereas Anita would like to know more about Blake. For her part, Alana wants to see more of Blake. The variety of opinions is quite amazing. They all want to go on the first date with Blake, to which end Blake has sent Osher with a "first date card", the traditional way for a gentleman to court a lady on television.

It could be a group date or single date. Anita would definitely like it to be a single date, not a group date, because she feels she is one of those women who is more attractive to a man when by herself rather than with nineteen other women.

Unfortunately though, Jessica will be going on the date, which doesn't surprise Holly, because as a professional netballer she sees deeply into human nature.

Blake shows up at the mansion in a car, and explains that with Jess, "It was her smile, it was the look in her eye, it was a spark", so there's clearly a pretty profound connection here. Jessica can't believe Blake actually came to the house to pick her up - she's never known a man who could drive before.

Jessica always thought she would settle down and start a family, but at twenty-four she realises she's on the verge of drying up and shrivelling into a useless husk, so it's about time she went on TV and tried to pick up a stranger.

As Blake and Jessica drive off, the crucial question is raised: is this a date or a kidnapping? It's still unclear as Blake stops the car in a middle of a blizzard: he has apparently driven her to the Yukon. Jessica sees the snow and becomes convinced Blake is a wizard.

"I'm a romantic at heart, I wanted to do something special for our first date," Blake said, and what is more special than asking the production team at Channel Ten to come up with something?

Jessica is pretty smitten: ever since she was a girl she longed for a man to shower her with fake snow. Back at the mansion the other women file their nails and talk about how much their lives suck. But at the snowfields, Blake thinks the date is going better than he'd ever imagined, inasmuch as Jessica has yet to spray anything toxic in his eyes.

There's a chandelier hanging above the ice rink. What?

Jessica leaps into Blake's arms. They both fall over. Overcome with the romance of the moment, they take a moment to watch an ad for Wonderland, wondering why it is that Ten is pretending it's a new show.

By the way The Bachelor is proudly brought to you by Ford, so you know who to send your letterbombs to.

Back at the ice rink, Jessica jumps into Blake's arms again in case we'd already forgotten that happened. Luckily, nobody has suffered a severed artery. Blake informs us that the chemistry between Jessica and himself is fantastic; but like any young man in the first blush of romance, what he's really looking forward to is doing this with nineteen other women.

Blake has a present for Jessica, or more accurately, Channel Ten has a present for Jessica and has hired Blake to hand it to her. It's a dress. "It's like something out of the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe!" Jessica gasps as a talking beaver leaps out of it.

Back at the mansion, Sam is jealous, which is pretty novel. A new dating card has arrived, promising "a big day". Alana surmises that this means it is wedding-related. "What else do you call a big day except a wedding day?" she says, which is pretty stupid logic, but unfortunately she's going to turn out to be right.

On this date, a lot of women have been invited, including Anita, which is lucky because the look on her face as the names are read out made it pretty clear she was about to go on a killing spree if she didn't get to go on a date.

Back to the frozen tundra of Spitzbergen, and Jessica is now dressed as the White Queen, and sits down with Blake to dine on Turkish Delight.

Jessica can't quite believe the depth of feeling she already has for Blake. I hope this isn't going to continue for the rest of the series. The show desperately needs someone to call Blake a wanker to provide a bit of light and shade. Maybe they could get me on the show to do that.

Blake thinks this is the best first date he's ever had, possibly because it's the most heavily sponsored.

Jessica is impressed by the fact Blake is a perfect gentleman, meaning that he hasn't tried to grab some boob while the cameras are rolling.

And then suddenly, Blake speaks the words that every woman longs to hear after suffering severe head injuries: "Jessica, will you accept this rose?"

And then they kiss, a moment made all the more romantic by the knowledge of all the other women he'll shortly be kissing.

Jessica returns to the mansion, where Anita is insanely jealous of Jessica's dress: she wishes she could groom a dog like the one the dress was made from. All the women want to know if Jessica kissed Blake, but she doesn't want to tell them in case it "unleashes Pandora's box". We have yet to hear much from Pandora, but apparently her box is terrifying. Good luck when your date with Pandora comes around, Blake!

Later on Jessica is in tears because she lied about kissing Blake and because she is an idiot. But anyway.

Next day it's the group date, in which Blake will make it entirely clear to a group of women that he is in control of their lives, in true romantic style. The date will involve all the women being models for Woman's Day, because this show is all about romance and style and class and celebrity gossip and weight-loss tips.

The shoot will be bridal-themed, because these women clearly are not already obsessed enough with weddings. But only four women get to be brides, and the rest will be bridesmaids. Everyone is desperate to be a bride and not to be a bridesmaid because they don't really understand how reality works.

The brides are Alana, Diana, Stacy-Louise and Laurina. Nobody claps for Laurina, but she knows this is because they were just expecting it because she's done modelling before and so obviously she gets to be a bride because she has done modelling before and the lack of clapping is in no way connected to the fact that her personality was stolen from a vulture.

But to her credit, Laurina manages to keep her cool despite knowing that the other girls are intimidated by the fact she's a model. As the shoot begins, she feels pretty confident taking control and telling Blake what to do because although she's kept it pretty quiet, she's actually had some modelling experience.

The second photo involves Alana as the bride. She's not had modelling experience, so she looks like a piece of garbage really. To look good in a photo you really need modelling experience. It would've been good if there'd been a model among the women to give her some advice.

Blake, though, is grateful that Alana let him "guide her", making sure to say the words in a way that I want to make clear doesn't sound at all hideously creepy.

Next up is Stacy-Louise, who giggles a lot about Blake taking his shirt off, and is just generally unpleasant like that.

Diana has been dreaming about her big day ever since she saw it on Cinderella, which is a statement both alarming and weird. She also wants Mickey Mouse to be her wedding celebrant, so she saw a different version of Cinderella than I did. But I get the feeling Diana sees a different version of pretty much everything. Certainly she's seeing a different version of the photo shoot, as it seems fairly certain that when she leaves she firmly believes she's actually married.

Laurina thinks Blake is having more fun with Diana than he did with her, which Laurina can't really fathom, because Diana isn't even a professional model.

Following the photo shoot, Alana surprises the viewer by revealing she'd actually quite like to get to know Blake more. Which she does, as she sits down with Blake, and he asks to wait. I wonder what he'll do? Will he return with a bucket of water to throw on Alana's head, or a restraining order? No, it's a rose, so there you go.

Anita doesn't think Alana should get a rose unless there's been a real connection, and Anita hasn't seen that connection, so Anita thinks Blake has made a terrible mistake. Anita begins working on an Excel spreadsheet detailing what Blake's feelings really are, that she can email to Blake so he understands himself better and remembers to always ask Anita before making any major decisions.

Blake is looking forward to tonight's cocktail party. "There are so many amazing women I haven't even spoken to," he says. possibly referring to the women on this show. Laurina is pretty confident that her tactic of ignoring Blake completely is paying dividends, as she's not given him a reason to not keep her around, which, let's be honest, talking to him for thirty seconds definitely will.

The girls sit around and chat a bit. Laurina enters with a glass of wine to explain to the others how horrible she is. Sam doesn't think Laurina is here for love, which is a bit cruel, given Laurina is incapable of understanding any human emotions.

It's time for the rose ceremony. One of the women - I don't know which one, one of the dark-haired ones - says she thinks all of the women want a rose tonight. It's an interesting theory: do all the women, indeed, want to not be eliminated from the competition they have entered? Only time will tell, I guess.

As the roses are handed out, many of the women, and one hundred percent of the audience, is hoping Laurina does not get a rose, and if possible falls into a ditch or gets bitten by a pig or something on the way home. Laurina is fairly sure she will get a rose though, because when she was modelling she learned that men like women who are models, and as she has modelling experience she is fairly sure that Blake will enjoy her ability to model and therefore choose her. Laurina really wants a rose, as it would reinforce her reasons for being here. What those reasons are, we're still not sure: something to do with eating human flesh or opening some kind of portal to the netherworld I assume.

Luckily Anita gets a rose, obviating the need to assault anyone. So does Diana, thus extending the amount of time she's had to spend without professional mental health care.

It's time for the last rose. Three ladies left: only one can stay. Will it be Laurina? Bridgette-Rose? Tiarnar? Will arrogance and obnoxiousness win the day against being boring and people not really knowing which one you are? The suspense is...I dunno.

It turns it's Laurina, Blake being unable to resist the opportunity to learn more about the fascinating world of modelling. Bridgette-Rose and Tiarnar head home, knowing their one chance at happiness is gone forever and they will live many long years of loneliness and regret. Not that Bridgette-Rose has given up entirely. "I hope there's still someone out there for me, or at least I hope there is," she says, her grief having destroyed her ability to form cogent sentences.

Back at the mansion, Laurina is devastated that her best friend has left: her best friend being...I dunno, one of those ones who just left. It's suggested to her that she should be happy that she is still in the house. Laurina doesn't care. It means nothing to her. She has no interest in Blake. "I'm here for me," she says. At some point someone will explain to her the premise of the show she is on and she will be shocked. For now, she weeps, having been told by a producer that eliminated contestants are taken out the back and shot.

Tomorrow on The Bachelor, Blake will say insincere things in a really deep voice, and the women will act really bitchy towards each other. It's the twist that will change the game forever.

BELOW: Blake and Jessica get up close and steamy on their date.