WHO SAID IT?

Our prime minister, Tony Abbott, sure is a piece of work. Sometimes the things he says are so outrageous it's hard to tell whether they're really quotes from the elected leader of our nation, or from a far-fetched fictional movie character.

That's how we came up with the idea for this quiz. How many of these quotes you can correctly attribute to their source: Prime Minister Tony Abbott, or feisty proto-feminist icon and heroine of Canadian literature Anne "Of Green Gables" Shirley? The results may surprise you!

WHO SAID IT: TONY ABBOTT OR ANNE SHIRLEY?

 

1. "Most of the people who are coming to Australia by boat have pass through several countries on the way, and if they simply wanted asylum they could have claimed that in any of the countries through which they'd passed."

2. "We just can't stop people being homeless if that's their choice."

3. "Would you please call me Cordelia?"

4. "Climate change is crap."

5. "You know something, Diana? We are rich. We have sixteen years to our credit, and we both have wonderful imaginations. We should be happy as queens."

6. "I think your Gilbert is awfully bold to wink at a strange girl."

7. "I would not want to see any relaxation of the law prohibiting human cloning."

8. "Once people come to Australia, they join the team."

9. "The smart way to improve broadband is not to junk the existing network but to make the most of it. It's to let a competitive market deliver the speeds that people need at an affordable price with government improving infrastructure in the areas where market competition won't deliver it."

10. "He called me Carrots!"

11. Faith is important to me. It's important to millions of Australians. It helps to shape who I am."

12. "Go away Marilla. I'm in the depths of despair."

13. "I think that marriage is, dare I say it, between a man and a woman, hopefully for life and there are all sorts of other relationships which should be acknowledged and recognised, but I don't know that they can be recognised as marriage."

14. "Mrs Hammond told me that God made my hair red on purpose and I've never cared for Him since."

15. "Whyalla will be wiped off the map by Julia Gillard's carbon tax."

16. "I don't see any need in being civil to someone who chooses to associate with the likes of Josie Pye."

17. "I also think that if you want to put a price on carbon, why not just do it with a simple tax?"

18. "Why isn't the fact that 100,000 women choose to end their pregnancies regarded as a national tragedy approaching the scale, say, of Aboriginal life expectancy being 20 years less than that of the general community?"

19. Well, again Kerry, I know politicians are gonna be judged on everything they say, but sometimes, in the heat of discussion, you go a little bit further than you would if it was an absolutely calm, considered, prepared, scripted remark, which is one of the reasons why the statements that need to be taken absolutely as gospel truth is those carefully prepared scripted remarks."

20. "Please, Matthew. You need help. We've got to get a doctor."

Haha! Almost unbelievable how similar they are, isn't it? How did YOU do sorting fact from fiction?

What's YOUR Political Personality?

Take this easy quiz to find out!

1. I vote:

a) Labor
b) Liberal
c) Green
d) With difficulty

2. A strong economy is:

a) The most important part of the government's job
b) Much less important that saving trees and greenie bullshit like that
c) A myth perpetuated by Big Pharma
d) A kind of fish

3. The perfect Prime Minister:

a) Has a high sperm count
b) Was elected by the members of parliament belonging to the majority party in the House of Representatives according to Westminster procedure
c) Is a roguish outlaw with a heart of gold
d) Cannot be killed

4. Carbon tax is:

a) Terrible
b) Awful
c) Dreadful
d) Abhorrent

5. Billionaire mining magnates should:

a) Pay their fair share
b) Pay someone else's fair share
c) Build enormous statues of cats out of solid gold
d) Take off all their clothes and dance for our amusement

6. A two-party system:

a) Impoverishes democracy
b) Makes everything easier
c) Killed my father
d) Causes AIDS

7. Refugees:

a) Deserve our sympathy and assistance
b) Are terrorists
c) Are terrorists who deserve our sympathy and assistance
d) Smell funny

8. Julia Gillard:

a) Has ruined this country
b) Gives me a raging case of the perpendicular trouser-dachsund
c) Killed my father
d) Once ate an entire bus

9. Tony Abbott

a) Probably masturbates over seven times a day on average
b) Is just what this country needs for some reason or other
c) Sometimes talks to trees
d) Can remove his bra without taking off his shirt

10. Superannuation reform:

a) Bores the tits off me
b) Is very very dull
c) Isn't even a thing
d) Should not be held near a naked flame

11. Same-sex marriage:

a) Would bring a massive boost to the economy via the powerful "pink dollar"
b) Causes earthquakes
c) Is fine, if the gays really want to make themselves miserable, ha ha ha
d) Brings with a very real danger that people might wish to marry more than one koala at once

12. The Gonski education reforms:

a) Will never happen
b) Will always happen
c) Are part of a conspiracy to turn all our children into blacks
d) Are none of your fucking business

13. Religion and politics should:

a) Be kept strictly separate
b) Just marry each other if they think they're so great
c) Be banned
d) Be compulsory

14. The Canberra Press Gallery needs to:

a) Hold our elected representatives to account more effectively
b) Stop putting its rubbish in next-door's bins
c) Write more stories about whether frontbenchers are cat people or dog people
d) Take off all its clothes and dance for our amusement

15. Politics is:

a) The art of the possible
b) A sick experiment devised by a diseased mind
c) Where hope goes to die
d) A good front for a drug-manufacturing operation


YOUR SCORES

Mostly As: You are a dangerous sociopath who should not even be allowed to vote. Your professed concern for the direction of the nation is a sham and your friends and family will one day regret letting their guard down.

Mostly Bs: You are a gibbering lunatic malcontent who will soon carry out a catastrophic assassination attempt on a leading member of government. The politician in question will escape with minor injuries but you will murder several dozen innocent bystanders.

Mostly Cs: Your smug self-righteousness makes me sick. You will not feel so cocky after the photos of you and you-know-who putting the thing in the you-know-where are released to the media.

Mostly Ds: You are a member of Peter Garrett's immediate family, and suffer from shingles.

MR BEN'S SEX QUIZ!!!!!

Hey there readers! Are you feeling loved up? Or are you wondering whether you're as spicy a fajita as you always thought you are?

Thank goodness there's an easily accessible Web 2.0 solution for anyone looking to ascertain whether they're an Enrique Iglesias or an Olive from On The Buses. And that solution is right below, in the form of my scientifically formulate SEX QUIZ for Lovers and Swingers. Just answer these simple multiple choice questions, and you'll quickly know whether you're HOT, or just sweaty.

1. On average, I have sex:
    a) Once a week
    b) Eight times a week
    c) Less than three times a decade
    d) Every few minutes

2. I believe the secret to great sex is:
    a) A strong emotional connection
    b) A powerful erotic odour emanating from the armpits
    c) A willingness to experiment with borderline racist roleplaying
    d) A stuffed marlin

3. I lost my virginity:
    a) Before I was 18
    b) After I was 40
    c) In a refrigerated truck
    d) To a Blakeney twin

4. The sexiest animal is:
    a) The tiger
    b) The wolf
    c) The mosquito
    d) The sea cucumber

5. Foreplay is:
    a) Absolutely crucial
    b) A complete waste of time
    c) A kind of fish
    d) An offence against God

6. How long should a penis be?
    a) More than fifteen metres
    b) Less than half an inch
    c) Two and a half hours
    d) It depends what kind of wood you're making it from

7. What is the most erotic dream you've ever had?
    a) The one about Graham Kennedy and the ride-on mower
    b) I'm being chased by angry ballerinas but their knees have faces
    c) Will.i.am hiding under my bed softly reading Dr Seuss while I'm trying to sleep
    d) The one where I find out my gynaecologist is an elk

8. How long does it usually take you to have an orgasm?
    a) Less than a second
    b) More than a second
    c) At least until my sixteenth birthday
    d) Between one and three Pirates of the Caribbean movies

9. What part should pornography play in a healthy relationship?
    a) It should be banned
    b) It can really bring people closer together and also you can have a wank
    c) It can be useful, but better as a supplementary source of income rather than a full-time job
    d) Ideally it should overwhelm every aspect of your life until you know nothing else

10. How many times have you had sex while doing this quiz?
     a) Four
     b) Five
     c) Twelve
     d) The sea cucumber


HOW TO INTERPRET YOUR RESULTS:

Mostly As: You are a sexually normal, healthy person, but you smell a bit and need to shower more.

Mostly Bs: You are probably gay, but refuse to admit it, even to yourself, but your wife suspects, because when you talk in your sleep you keep mentioning someone called "Declan", and it's tearing your marriage apart, but neither of you are willing to discuss it. It's pathetic.

Mostly Cs: You are a wanted fugitive. You mostly only have sex with wild grasses.

Mostly Ds: Your relationship is passionate and loving, but prone to outbursts of irrational rage and inexplicable itches at inconvenient times. You and your partner are both happy to experiment and be open about your fantasies and fetishes, but it will turn out shortly that your partner is imaginary. Sorry.