'Hell yeah I would!' the up-and-coming Bush replied to the question of whether he would, given the chance, go back in time and kill Baby Hitler (by which the interviewer meant, Hitler when he was a baby, as opposed to an infant version of Hitler who ruled a nation of babies with an iron fist).
The reason this is an important question is simply that presidential elections are, as former president Michael Douglas said, entirely about character. And when you're trying to determine a man's character, it's vital to know just how committed he is to his convictions. It's all very easy to SAY that you're anti-Nazis, but are you willing to LIVE that principle? Do you have the integrity to follow through, to actually jump in that Delorean, head back to the late 1800s, and blow that infant's brains out? And if you don't, why the HELL should anyone vote for you?
But let's not pretend that killing baby Hitler is all you need from an aspiring commander-in-chief. There are plenty of other complex moral dilemmas that a president needs to be ready to tackle. Here are some other questions the American press might want to throw at the hopefuls.
1. Would you travel back in time and abort Foetus Hitler?
2. Would you travel back in time and trap Sperm Hitler in a condom?
3. Would you travel back in time and give Hitler's dad a vasectomy?
4. Would you travel back in time and make Hitler's mum fall in love with you instead of Hitler's dad, even knowing that it was possible your son would turn out to be Hitler anyway?
5. Would you travel back in time and kill baby Stalin?
6. Would you travel back in time and kill adult Stalin?
7. What if he had a gun?
8. Would you travel back in time and prevent the evolution of mammals, thus saving the world from every bad person ever?
9. Would you travel back in time and kill Martin Scorsese? Why/why not?
10. Would you travel back in time, if you knew that a side-effect of time travel was that you would become incapable of killing babies?
11. Would you shoot Saddam Hussein in the head, even though he's already dead?
12. Would you shoot Bashar Al-Assad in the head, if you knew the bullet would pass through his head and hit the Pope?
13. Would you go back in time to kill the baby Pope?
14. Would you go back in time to kill yourself to prevent yourself going back in time to kill the baby Pope?
15. Would you go back in time to kill Vincent van Gogh, if you suspected he was doing some pretty bad stuff when he wasn't busy painting?
16. Would you go back in time to kill Bill Cosby?
17. Would you go back in time to destroy the tapes of Bill Cosby's instrumental jazz-funk album, Badfoot Brown and the Bunions Bradford Funeral Marching Band?
18. Would you go back in time to kill baby Kyle Sandilands?
19. Don't you think Kyle Sandilands looks a bit like a giant baby anyway?
20. Would you feel bad if you went back in time and killed baby Kyle Sandilands and then found out you hadn't gone back in time at all and you'd just killed adult Kyle Sandilands because you thought he was a giant baby?
21. Would you go back in time and kill the giant baby from Honey I Blew Up The Kid?
22. Would you go back in time and kill the guy who invented hunger?
23. Would you go back in time and kill climate change?
24. Would you go back in time and kill Ronald McDonald?
25. Would you go back in time to kill all the other presidental candidates as babies? If not why not?
26. Would you go back in time to kill all the other presidential candidates as five-year-olds who are in the middle of singing the Alphabet?
27. Would you go back in time to kill five-year-old Hitler in the middle of singing the Alphabet, bearing in mind he'd be singing it in German?
28. Would you go back in time to kill baby Pol Pot?
29. Would you go back in time to kill baby Vlad the Impaler?
30. Would you go back in time to kill baby Ike Turner?
31. If there was a train speeding toward a fork in the track, and on one track there is your mother, and on the other track is a schoolbus full of children you've never met, and you can pull a lever to switch the train onto the other track, but if you don't pull the lever the train hits your mother, but your mother is currently pregnant with baby Hitler, but she is seriously considering an abortion, but she also has strong Catholic beliefs that still exert a pull on her so it's not certain, but on the other hand the schoolbus contains Baby Gandhi, but you just read a biography of Gandhi that paints him in a less flattering light, BUT also you have no arms, so to pull the lever you have to travel back in time and save yourself from the train accident that took your arms off, but doing that would cause the train to hit a pram containing baby Nelson Mandela, which member of your workplace would you eat first on a lifeboat?
1 comment:
The assumption of the existence of evolution in question 8 is going to be problematic. Otherwise, a fine list.
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