Monday, March 30, 2009

New Stuff

Well, hello there. I think it's time to plug meself; what else are blogs for?

Apart from my latest article, previously mentioned, on the simple joys of hot president-on-prime minster action, I also have NEW STUFF!

At Babble, a new and rather spiffing parenting website, you will find this piece by me, about the recent additions to my family. Hope you like it.

In other, more distant news, mark down May 23 and 24 in your diaries; these are the days I will be appearing at the Sydney Writers' Festival. I'll write more on this as we further approach the festival, but I'd love to see you there.

A Momentous Day...

As for the first time in my life, I start cheering for Bec Hewitt.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Monarchy: moving with the times

So Robyn Riley - fearless campaigner for truth, justice and the duty of the mainstream media to publish unsubstantiated nude photos of prominent public figures performing legal and consensual acts in a private place thirty years ago in order that the public know the sort of person that the person they are voting for looks a bit like - this week tackles the monarchy.

Apparently there is a bill under consideration in Britain that would remove the gender bias from royal succession rights.

And as Robyn says, "about time too. It is ridiculous that gender is still relevant".

Yes, indeed, what a ludicrous way of organising one's monarchy. Maybe now, finally, we can bring our undemocratic medieval system of hereditary privilege into the 21st century. It seems absurd that in this day of age, the selection of our head of state should be dependent on their sex. It's about time we took that giant leap forward and selected them based purely and simply on who gets born first to the descendant of whatever family managed to wrest power from another several centuries ago.

After all, it would be terrible if the monarchy were to seem in any way outdated. It must move with the times, lest it be seen as obsolete and pointless and wasteful and generally stupid.

Hate for that to happen.

Brokebarack Mountain

World leaders: how graphic should descriptions of their homosexual liaisons really be?

You decide, after reading my latest piece for newmatilda.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Empire Grows...

I'm on Wikipedia! Now it can truly be said, I actually exist.

It looks a little threadbare, though. Maybe you should go spice it up.

Edits that make me appear more interesting than I actually am will be much appreciated.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


The headline read, "Brand promises laughs, not orgasms".

I did not click on the link, preferring to retain the belief that the story is about KR Darling Downs.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Have you heard of the environment?

Apparently it's quite important. This shocking realisation galvanised me to write my latest newmatilda piece, a rousing wake-up call to those whose criminal apathy has caused them to read an insufficient number of satirical online articles lately.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Where did THAT come from?

Andrew Bolt is angry about sharks. So are his commenters. So angry about sharks are they that they express it in the time-honoured way - by calling me a mental retard. It's tight down the bottom of the first page, which is convenient.

I suppose it's kind of a privilege that out of all the leftist scum he could have name-checked, he chose ME!

Absence makes...

Sorry for a little inactivity recently. There have been several deaths in my and my wife's family of late, the last of which was extremely sudden and shocking, and I've had not much time or inclination for blogging.

Normal service will be resumed shortly.


Miranda Devine's most ironic headline ever.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Just when you thought it was safe to read the Herald...

The Sydney Morning Herald continues its outreach programme for developmentally delayed opinion writers as Miranda Devine, bless her, puts forth her firm and well-researched views on sharks.

Miranda is furious at the attitude taken by so many hippie green homosexualists these days, that sharks have more right to be in the water than humans, and that people, perhaps, know the risk they're taking if they enter the ocean, which is where sharks traditionally live.

Now, personally, I have always found the threat of shark attack to be one of the more easily avoidable in our world. Unlike nuclear war, sharks are relatively limited in their scope, and unlike serial killers, they almost never break into private homes in order to attack. "Stay out of the water" is pretty much the golden, and only, rule, re: avoiding sharks, I thought. Miranda puts us straight.

She begins by waxing lyrical about a "tall, blond, 15-year-old Adonis" of her acquaintance, but let's not delve too deeply into Ms Devine's reverse-Lolita fantasies, and move on to the crux. Apparently the debate has "taken a surreal turn", as people stand up for the rights of those damn sharks.

"'Dirty, stinking humans … scum of the planet and hopefully sharks will be here for millions more years after we're extinct" was typical of one misanthropic comment on a surf website this week.'" she writes. Well, yes, it would be typical. If you're restricting yourself to describing one comment, then quoting that comment will, in general, tend to be quite representative. In a similar way, "I have a dream" was typical of Martin Luther King's "I have a dream" speech. Well done, Miranda, you have certainly nailed the rampant anti-human feeling spreading like wildfire through that single person.

Miranda then says that Primary Industries Minister Ian Macdonald's warning for swimmers to avoid going in the water at times when sharks are most active is "blaming the victim." Indeed. It's a lot like when people say that if a woman goes nightclubbing in a short skirt or low-cut top, it's her own fault if a shark eats her. When will we stop blaming the victim and start blaming the SHARKS? Why don't the sharks take some responsibility for their actions? No means no, sharks! If we say we don't want to be eaten, back off!

"We have been designed to swim and are at home in the water," says Miranda in her defence of humans' rights to swim in shark-infested waters. I'm not quite sure she's on such solid ground here, actually. I mean, a lot of humans LIKE it in the water, but to say we've "been designed" for it may be a stretch, mayn't it? We don't seem to be quite as well-designed to swim as, say, every water-dwelling animal on earth. We're not even as well-designed to swim as dogs. And we're probably more at home on land, really. Where our homes are. Especially when compared to sharks, who are "at home in the water" to quite a drastic extent, relatively speaking. I don't think we're really at the top of the league table in terms of at-home-in-the-waterness.

Still, it's a worthwhile point to make. These sharks have gotten away with the unthinking following of their primal instincts for far too long. It's time to get tough on these vicious bastards. As Miranda says, "if it comes to a choice between a shark life and a human life there just should be no contest".

And if it comes to a choice between a shark life and a human finding somewhere else to swim...ah, but that's greenie thinkin'.

Can You Get Enough Of Me?

Of course you can't! And that's why you need to get your grasping mitts on The Death Mook, published by Vignette Press. It features a piece by me, as well as myriad other works of art and intellect by a dazzling array of other talented notables. It looks, I must say, freaking awesome, and that's only 70-80% because I'm in it.

I am proud to be part of the Mook movement, which I see as the irresistible wave of the future. Get into it now!