Friday, January 30, 2009

Bad Ben! Bad!

My latest at newmatilda, in which I am very offensive as I make a number of outrageous statements that are in no way ironic jokes but are in fact meant to be taken seriously on face value, and express very sincere sexist and criminal views.

Just for the record:

I don't drink beer.

And I did not actually drag the subject up. It was on the front page of Australia's most widely-read newspaper.

Some, of course, might think that Hamza is just a silly little man with a silly beard talking crap to a small group of inadequate losers who have substituted Islam for an ability to talk to women.

Fortunately, there are those in our society willing to disabuse of this notion by informing us that he is in fact A MENACE TO ALL WE HOLD DEAR. So thanks to News Ltd for keeping up the vigilance.

I'm sorry to those who didn't find it funny; I hope you laugh more at next week's.

Now I am off to revel in my unapologetic blokey ockeristic fundamentalist Islamicism.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


Backstage at the gig last night:

American Burlesque Artist Wearing Basically Stockings and Tassels: I know we just met, and you're a poet, and you're having twins and everything, but can I ask you a favour?

Me, Attempting To Look At Everything Else In The Room: ....uh, yeah.

ABA: Can you look...I got this big pimple on my ass, can you see it?

Me: Um...I think so...

ABA: Well, you think so, or you see it?

Me: Um, I see it...I think...right there?

ABA: Is it really bad, or could it be covered with makeup?

Me:'s...not...that bad?

ABA: Great, thanks.

Later on she talked about amputees.

I am in showbusiness.

A Sober and Considered View of Australian Identity

Or you could just read this.

Also, I've updated the article list at the side for those of you who'd like to catch up on what I've written in the last couple of months.

A break with tradition

I am not normally wont to engage in such things, but I have been tagged by My Growing Passion, and in deference to this fine lady, I shall play this once. Apparently here is what we do:

Here are the rules:

1. Link to the person or persons who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random and/or revealing things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know when your post entry is up on your site.

Hmmmm, six random and/or revealing things about myself:

1. I cannot ride a bicycle. This is only one of many, many things I cannot do, but it's the one that people find most strange. That and not being able to whistle. How can a person not know how to ride a bike? Shrug. I never had one.

2. I am pigeon-toed. When I was younger I needed special shoes to stop my feet pointing in at each other. I never need surgery, though. I was a bit disappointed by that. You feel more special when your disability requires surgery.

3. I am jealous of my sister the famous author. But not in a nasty way. I think it acts as a spur to further action on my part. And of course I'm terribly proud and happy for her. But it's true her great success tends to make me think, "Gee, I better get myself moving..."

4. I am extremely attracted to Tanya Bulmer. Feel free to pass this on.

5. I once spent the night in Sarah Blasko's bedroom. I was only five at the time, but still, score, right?

6. I played representative rugby as a teenager. I was considered rather good, and occasionally I regret not trying to see how much potential I actually had. Regrets...

I am supposed to tag people now, but I haven't made up my mind whether to try that on. I'll think about it.

Friday, January 23, 2009

From the Sunday Tasmanian

"A BURNIE teenager has convinced one of Tasmania ’s major milk producers to help Australians learn their national anthem.

For the past year 17-year-old student Jacqui Fishwick has been campaigning to have the lyrics of Advance Australia Fair printed on the side of milk cartons.

Her work has paid off with Betta Milk agreeing to use special cartons featuring the first verse of the anthem during January in preparation for Australia Day."

Next time someone says young people aren't contributing to society, you can shove THIS in their face!

Jacqui Fishwick! Standing up for all that is good and noble! Thanks to her, people everywhere (in Tasmania) can sing the correct lyrics to the national anthem while pouring their milk.

Finally, en end to the unedifying trend of Tasmanians standing by their cornflakes, stumbling haphazardly over the words to the song.

"Australians always use your voice, for we live in a tree...with da da da and um dum dum, our home is pert and free". No more of that nonsense. NOW, when Tasmanians want a breakfast singalong with a patriotic flavour, they can have it, and have it CORRECTLY.

"Ms Fishwick said she had been concerned for years about the problem."

Well done, Jacqui, I can hardly think of a better way to while away your teenage years. What a wild ride it's been for you!

But let's leave that all aside for a minute, and examine the caption that accompanies the photo to this story. It goes thusly:

"IN TUNE: Special Cream Unit ’s Frank and Nikki lend their support."

That's right, readers: There is a SPECIAL CREAM UNIT.

I want you to take a while to digest the impossibly wonderful implications of this...

What does it mean to be Australian

In case you ever wonder, you can refer to this at New Matilda. Happy Australia Day, all!

But I should warn you, according to one erudite commenter, "this sort of piece is not new as satire, and anyway it didn’t connect as such with this experienced reader (and sometimes writer) of satire. There was no bite and the comedy wasn’t comedic."

And who am I to argue with an experienced reader (and sometimes writer) of satire? Just quietly, I suspect this commenter is actually Kerry Cue.

Anyway, I am quite hurt that this experienced reader, once they had been informed that it was a joke, didn't like it. They apparently "crave originality and Swiftian wit", so I will put my best foot forward to provide it. Look out next week for my scathing attack on the Whig Party.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Melbourne film industry booming!

From The Sunday Age:

"The cast and crew on Morell Bridge are filming Centre Place, a $1.5 million locally financed romantic comedy taking its name from Melbourne ’s busy arcade.

Pre-production has also started on a gangster flick, Animal Kingdom, starring Guy Pearce, while Pete Helliar ’s rom-com, I Love You Too starts shooting soon, as does Suite for Fleur, another rom-com, starring Angry Anderson, Tottie Goldsmith and Cameron Daddo."

Let me repeat that: starring Angry Anderson, Tottie Goldsmith and Cameron Daddo.

NEVER let anyone ever say again that there is no surefire formula for success in movies!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

We Forgive You

The Herald Sun, demonstrating its usual penchant for both hard news and unfailing honesty, today reports that Andrew O'Keefe has "apologised" for his drunken night out in December*.

The funny thing is that in the story which begins "TV host Andrew O'Keefe has apologised for his boozy Chapel St bender late last year", at no point is there any apology quoted. He says he is "in no way proud" of his behaviour, but the "apology" which the Herald Sun assures us he offered is not in evidence. Weird. Some sub-editor must have cropped it out, because the Herald Sun is not the kind of newspaper that prints dishonest teasers.

Even funnier is that the article lists a long stream of jokes and wacky banter that O'Keefe indulged in on his TV show, which seem to show that he vacillates between finding the incident "highly unedifying" and "high-larious". In fact, if we're keeping a scorecard of his public comments on the bender, it looks something like this:

Heartfelt expressions of contrition: 1

Madcap japes: 7

But the real "story behind the story" here is the mysterious question on everyone's lips: presuming O'Keefe DID offer an apology, who exactly did he apologise to? The Chapel Street pavement for crawling too heavily on it? Internet video-surfers for the poor quality of the footage? Just who is the wounded party here from whom O'Keefe is begging forgiveness?

Perhaps the Herald Sun will offer an answer after the results come in from their Voteline, which asks readers to call in and respond to the question, Do you accept Andrew O'Keefe's apology for his drunken binge?

And you can just tell Andrew O'Keefe is on tenterhooks waiting for the results of that poll. It would crush him if he were to find out that a solid majority of random strangers who were not in any involved with or harmed by his conduct of his private life were holding a grudge against him for it.

Lucky the Herald Sun is there to keep us apprised of developments in stories like these. Imagine how uninformed we would be if, instead of the Herald Sun, we had some pathetic excuse for a newspaper that constantly filled entire pages with retarded stories about nothing?


*I do not consider it a coincidence that Andrew O'Keefe's life ran off the rails a mere two and a half years after he kissed my hand on national television.

A New Year

and a New Matilda!

And just when you were asking yourselves, "how do I negotiate the tricky waters of gender relations in the modern world?"